Most seats are for 2
Last night instead of going to bed ontime the Smurf and I went to see BATMAN BEGINS, my first two words were “Hell Yah.” I’d love to write my review, I’d love to tell you what I thought. Two things hold me back. I have to STGA at 7am and its 10pm now, and I have a certain someone on my mind.. . . And no, his name is not Riley Jones (Stephen Riley Holbrook). I’d love to tell you the story, but I’m not sure I know it myself. I know I can tell you the beginning, and I can tell you the beginning of the middle, but I have no idea how it ends – and I can’t say I’d be all that thrilled if it did end.
So instead, I’ll say today I went to the gym. Good for me. I also called Bear, crying a little to say I couldn’t meet up with him for a while. Once Kaza and David get here, we’re moving in together and I’ll need to fork over rent and bill money. I guess it’s all for the best. He told me to keep calling him to tell him what I’m doing, and tell him what I’m eating and he’ll keep motivating me as much as he can. I said the best I can do is call him again (as my trainer vs. my friend. . . )once I start at PCPA in August. Then I’ll know what kind of money situation I’ll be in.
Quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m going to go to PCPA. I go back and forth about it. ALOT. I wish the “right” choice would make it self known and not keep me guessing. I’m not good at guessing games, unless it’s movie trivia or “what did kaza say?”
For a while there I felt very focused and content, lately I feel unbalanced and even anxious. I used to get ugly anxiety attacks (kaza was a saving grace during those times, so was my mommie) Lately I feel something else tugging at my heart and I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sad, I’m not upset – anymore. It’s something else. Like …….something’s missing. (good John Mayer song btw.)
I think I know what it is, but it’s dumb – at least *I* think it is. I know my friends love me and know my friends spouses and significant others are great. But I think my feeling lately is, I’m the last one. I know that’s not necessarily a true statement. But of my close friends, those I speak with almost daily – ish……….It’s difficult sometimes being the extra wheel, but at the same time sometimes it’s a great freedom.
so I guess I feel Stuck. Not necessarily at a fork in the road, and in no way do I have to make any big decisions right now, but (small sigh)………that’s it.