I’m afraid.

I was told that tapping your inner wrists together and saying your fears out loud allows your brain and your body to hear the fear and release it. Release it to be processed out. Release it so I can move on. So I can sleep. So I can eat. So I can see. So I can think. So I can plan. Plan it all out. Schedule for it, earn the money for it, pay for it, talk about it, complain about it, resent it, hate it and trap it again. Inside, where you can’t see it.

tap tap tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap tap.

If I sit here long enough tapping my inner wrists together it all comes out. Every truth and every secret. Every time I didn’t care and did whatever I wanted to. Every time I drowned it in Jameson, or Pinot Noir, or wrote about it, or sang about it. Every time I resented someone or regretted a choice. Every time I ate something I “shouldn’t” have and gained weight. The weight of it all would start to show up physically. Hanging off a body I either betrayed, or thought betrayed me.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

I’m afraid to fall asleep and I’m afraid to wake up. Wake up and use all the swear words before 8am Afraid I’ll say something they’ll hear that will change them forever. Afraid if I don’t follow through that’s all I will be remembered by. That I would say one thing, and do something else. Afraid there will come a day where an apology won’t be accepted and a hug won’t be given. They prove me wrong though. Over and over, they prove me wrong by showing me I’m teaching care and love. That checking in on someone you care for is the right thing to do. That apologizing is something you should do when you mess up.

tap tap tap tap

I’m afraid I’ll be found to be a modern day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Or a fraud of sort by not practicing what I preach. By only being kind to strangers instead of my family and myself. Myself. Well that is someone that I try to honor and often forget, or worse can’t stand. A pedicure here. Some hair color there. Cleanse my face, exfoliate, hydrate. Facial reflexology. Cupping. Gua Sha.

I can’t eat.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

I can’t swallow my food consistently. It gets stuck in my chest. I can’t swallow water consistently it gets stuck. .

Stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

The camera showed nothing. That’s good news…and bad news. Nothing? yes, nothing. There is nothing that can be seen that is showing a reason why you can’t swallow your food comfortably and consistently. So….

so something else is stopping you.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

what can’t you swallow down in your life? what are you afraid of? what are you choking on?

tap tap tap tap tap

blink. silence. a breath. blink.

I’m afraid to…I’m afraid to be…I’m afraid to …that I’ll never…that I’ll always. They they will…That she will, that she will hate me when I love her so. That the words I choose and the tone I use will hurt somehow, and not teach her, and she’ll hate me and she’ll resent me the way I resent. I’m afraid that he will feel not good enough because we have to remind him to focus. He IS good and he is good enough. For so much and for so many things and I don’t get to be there. I have to work. I chose rehearsal. I chose…to scroll, to read, to look at something other than the cartoon, or the game. But yes…yes I’ll try checkers, I can’t play chess; well not the board game chess. I’m afraid he won’t need me the way I need him. The way he looks at me and remembers things. The way he checks on me when I…can’t keep food down. And I’m afraid

tap tap tap

I’m afraid this one will one day not look at me like he does right now. That he won’t want to wrap his limbs around my arm like he’s a monkey on a tree branch. That he won’t want to be next to me. I”m afraid of time. Time ticking. Time wasting. Time management. Time lost. Time I’ll never get back.

tick tock tick tap tap tap tap

tear.

I’m afraid of eating because I’m afraid of it coming up. I”m afraid of not eating because I will start to dissipate. who will? *I* will. My colored hair will thin and fall out. I’ll lose more weight but not be strong. When my eyes are opened they’ll be heavy and tired. When I speak it will be weak. I’m afraid to disappoint you, and my dad. I’m afraid the facade will fade and they’ll see how sad and disappointed I am about my choices. About where I am or how I responded. How I decided. How choose and deliver. I’m afraid. I’m afraid i’ll be right.

tap. tap. night.