I used to dream.
I don’t mean in the way of career or life – although that too…sigh.
I used to dream.
For a while I had the most random dreams and when I’d look them up, or the pieces I’d remembered, things made sense. Things. . . had meaning, sort of. My dreams helped me understand my waking life and now – my sleep, is dreamless. I guess the good part is that I’m finally sleeping again. Heartbreak is hard. I don’t know how people do it. I hadn’t felt such an ache of suffering since I was 18, and that was to be expected since he was my first everything. But this – why can’t I get over this. Why can’t I just…stop counting how many days it’s been since he ended it? Why can’t I just fall asleep without crying first. Why can’t I wake up and feel rested even after realizing I slept for 8-10 hours. I feel tired still, exhausted even. And I have nothing to look forward to (right now). I get up, I go to work; shlepping beverages for the caffeine deficient at a store that actually isn’t very busy, so I clean instead and chat with my co-worker, if there is one. It’s not very busy again, so there’s just me and the shift supervisor and if they are off doing shift supervisory things I’m there alone. To ring people up, get their pastries and make their drinks and clean. It’s not difficult at all, it’s actually quite easy. I do worry about making ends meet. I will always be able to make rent, as that is a priority and I will set money aside for it. Then there’s my phone, and utilities, and my train card, and food – I have to remember and be able to buy and eat food.
And then I have to try to sleep. If I had to budget money for that, I’m afraid I’d give it up since it’s not really happening for me anyway.
School starts in September, providing I get approved for a student loan for the rest of my tuition, so once it begins I’ll have that to “look forward to” when I get up in the morning. I already have my schedule and I should be able to work around it too. And maybe I’ll be able to wear myself out enough from work, school, and homework to …earn…I guess sleep and perhaps after I have slept, I’ll also dream…