bits of concrete

Its just, not that exciting right now I guess?

By around day 25 of my healing from a broken heart-ness, I stopped crying.  Now, some people thought the next step for me would be anger, or something that pushed me forward to the next step which is something like “action planning” or “making changes” in whatever.

They were right.

Sort of.

New York has a way of making me feel like if I stay down for too long, I’ll miss something.  At home, home that I miss – I do, you can fall into a rut, and stay there.  Sometimes for months, sometimes for years, or so “studies have shown” or “rumor has it” would go.  New York is hot, and humid.  The heat wave was apparently the third this year and we’re expected to have a few more.  I’m thankful for the air conditioning my wife and husband-in-law had in their garage, and I’m thankful for everyone who helped pitch in some money to ship it to me, because I have finally slept comfortably for a little over a week now.

Sleep.

I had lost so much of it during my crying.  I had lost some of myself as well.  Pieces I don’t think I want back, I gave a part of me to him for a reason, and somehow I know it would be tainted, or moving backwards if I asked for them back.  And here in NY, they make you move forward.  The train won’t hold for you just because you didn’t wake up on time.  If you’re standing by the train door and someone needs out, they will move you, and not politely.  There is a carelessness of human feelings and personality that I have seen.  Maybe its the heat, maybe it’s because we all really DO have somewhere we’re going and the tourists really DO get in the way by stopping in the middle of the oversized sidewalk or crosswalk to take their next great NY photo.

I found myself watching the ground the other day.  I used to look people right in the eye if they passed me, or I kept my eye on my target; where I was heading, but I always had my head up.  I put myself in check and asked myself why I was looking down. Was it the sun was too bright and reflecting off every window and light colored building and sidewalk?  Was it because I was ashamed?  Was it because I wanted to make sure I didn’t step into dog shit?

I decided it was the dog shit.  Everyone around where I live has a pitbull on a a spike collar.  They walk their dogs, their dogs crap, they keep walking.  I haven’t stepped in anything yet, but I guess I’ve had my share of shit happening for now.

I made it to the east side a couple weeks ago.  My friend Tara was in town.  Tara was in High School with me, and found me on facebook and we’ve played a couple times in the past few months.  It’s great to have friends that have been away and come back and you’ve both grown but you both talk the same language still.  I wish she lived here, and that may sound selfish but she wants to live here too – so really I’m just supporting her wants!  At any rate she was in town and staying with a friend that lived on the east side.  After work I walked 4…LONG ASS blocks to find the 6 train.  The 4, 5, and 6 trains only run on the east side and there was no other way to head over there.  I was thankful it wasn’t raining, I was not thankful of the humidity.  I found where she was safely, the neighborhood was cute and we had decided on going out for pizza after feeling poisoned by what seemed to be a gas leak…

Totonnos pizza.  Good, thin crust, little pricey and they had a bar.  She had a beer, I had a 7&7, her son had juice I think.  We sat “outside” which was more like sitting inside, without walls.  It was still the same kind of indoor flooring and it looked like they could pull down heavy weather curtains in the event of a storm.  the pizza was yum, the company was fun and I found a bus to take home.  It just so happened that the bus I took, is the same bus that will take me to and from school when that starts.

Ro and I saw Eclipse together.  IMAX.  Now, I don’t know how many people have or haven’t seen movies in IMAX but it can be overwhelming at first.  The gentleman behind us immediately asked if we were Team Jacob and I said well….he’s a little young and reminds me of relatives so I think I’m default Team Edward, Ro said Team Jacob.  Moments later the same gentleman leaned over and asked if we would like popcorn, I laughed and said I don’t have cash, he just repeated his question so I just said “sure, with butter in the middle and on the top” and he left.  Not a few seconds later his (assumed) boyfriend leaned over and said “do you want something to drink?” Ro and I laughed and I said “sure, sure I’ll take a sprite.”  I honestly thought he was kidding. And then there was popcorn and a sprite being presented to me.  We laughed more, said thank you and I said “go team Jacob” and after I saw The Taylor Lautner again, I applauded – with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.  How can you be 17 and look like that???  I digress.

Adam-from-the-band-i-brought home was in NYC for his summer tour with Jazz Mafia.  But he deserves his own post, with pics and everything.  =) So come back for that…

The NY postal service sucks.  But, …a lot.

The five flights of stairs up to my apartment somehow seem to be getting steeper and I think there is more of them too.

I can get anything I want to eat delivered right to my door, by placing an order online even!

I’ve been reading more, and this is very good.  This is a very good part of becoming who I am.  I am in transition and although I am not “eager” to change, it is happening, and I can’t/won’t fight it.

I am tired of the stares from the hispanic/mexican/spanish/domincan men that live, walk, and sit..around here.  I’m also tired of the black guys staring at me when I walk by, it’s obvious, and uncomfortable.  Not in an “uh-oh” feeling way, just…annoying. And if they’d bother to clean up their language, not shout, and pull their pants up over their ass I might bother to let them watch me walk by. shrug. rolls eyes.

I can get my hair cut from approximately 20 different “salons” within a 10 block radius.  Nay, just going 10 blocks in one direction I’d find 10+.  The odd part is they are “unisex” I put quotes because it’s in their name “Fe’s Salon & Unisex” “Sandy’s Unisex salon”  My guess is HERE if you don’t specify you’ll cut the hair of both male and female clients you won’t have any.  And, I’d like to know where all these people go.  Are they ALL cosmetologists??? I don’t know.  The gents, there are SO many gentlemen barbers, all with braids or bandanas, team shirts, low pants and tattoos with colors you can’t actually see.  I don’t know if they are only allowed to cut with a certain pair of scissors or only the clippers but it seems there are many of them – everywhere.  This may require pictures to prove it.  I’m on it.

I try to do something in NY once a week.  This last week I went to have gelato with my cousin, who was in town visiting, and we walked around and sat at columbus square and just chatted.  We related on how TV shows with people in NY are very misleading.  Will & Grace, Friends, Sex and the City – that’s not New York for 90% of the population, I’d say.  And some people say it’s too hard to raise kids here without help, but I see it everyday.  I see the moms and siblings and strangers helping the moms and siblings carry those strollers up and down those flights of stairs to the train.  I see it everyday.  Yes it would be hard, but if they can do it – I think anyone could.  Preference?  I’d prefer a building with an elevator and a designated driver for all my places to go and people to see, baby in tow.

But lets move OFF of the baby talk.

My thoughts are not as, certain – lately.  They are shallow and I’ve lost some compassion while here.  At least I’ve noticed, which means I can “fix” it.  Do I care? not right now, no.

I stay in my room, where it’s always 76-78 degrees and I go online, or I mostly just read. I fear my upcoming schedule of work and school it’s closing in on me.

I joined Planet Fitness with Ro, Antoan also goes there.  There are no classes, but TONS of cardio machines and weights.  I have to take the C Train to 168 and change to the A train to get there, and it’s only $10 a month.  Pretty sweet deal.  shrug.

I fear sporting the green apron will not provide enough money for me and I will need to seek something else out.  I am going to apply for a Temporary Esthetician License, which will  take 6-8 weeks to be approved once I’ve actually printed out the paperwork and filled it out and sent it in.  Then I have to prove I’ve signed up for a state board exam, which will cost money, and then I have to find a place to work.  Then school starts in september and i have to be prepared for homework, and rehearsals.

I hope I can do it.

I’m reading a book called “growing hope” in addition to my 2 other books I’m currently reading “Wicked 2:  legacy & spellbound” and “The Five Love Languages: Singles edition”

I’m single.

Which brings me back to having not cried over him for at least a couple weeks by now.  It’s improvement, its movement, its forward.  I’m in a very different place mentally, emotionally, and physically then I ever have before.  But I’ll leave that to another post, as well.

It’s midnight, I’m going to read for a bit and sleep. And tomorrow The Park (Central Park) with Ro and our $35 massages at the massage school I found online in New Jersey.  Then perhaps the movie Inception.  Looks like tomorrow will be a Yay Day.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on July 18, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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