Free Reign

I said I have no feelings on anything. That I was so neutral, the good thing was I could go anywhere, the bad thing was I was going no where. I said something along the lines of:::

I’m on a path, my journey and if let arguments of this or that get it my way I am not moving forward. So, if someone wants to ask me a question, sure I’ll stop my walk, I may even sit on the park bench on the side of my road. But it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped moving forward.

Someone asked me what makes me angry in a split second, and I couldn’t think of anything.

Apparently, although I thought I had passion for certain things, in the art of statements – I am passion-less.

Passion, I suppose, in something that leads to being vulnerable. Vulnerability gets me no where. It’s based in emotion and I’m trying to be logical. Vulnerability is excellent for acting, it’s excellent for trusting people, and reaching out to them. I just don’t see it helping me right now.

Candybars, balance, energy, public schools, private schools, media, fat-girl syndrome based in what media decides, superheroes, school food, home food, restaurant food, diets, stupid people, smart people – all of it I could have one sentence to say and leave it at that. That does not an argument, or case, make. Because those topics lack a magnetic pull of passion for me? Because I’m unable to be vulnerable to the needs of children? humans? Am I just a machine needing to cold boot?

The freedom to choose is terrifying. It’s terrifying because with in free reign lies hidden expectations, and expectations lead to failure. Boundaries are good, but the keep you inside a shell sometimes. Boundaries are a safer bet then you can just say “hey crossing the line their, pal” and gesture for them to step back. Expectations are like what you fantasize when you think of someone, and when they don’t follow through, not only is your fantasy shot by reality, but the labels and titles that fall with in the confines of “expectations” also drop dramatically, and change. Now instead of just “lowering” the expectation line, it sky rockets and tests the next person, or it falls to the ground and everyone trips on it. Also, with expectations being met, there is never true contentment. There is only acknowledgment and a new expectation placed, only now the line is higher, which inevitably means if it’s higher, and there is failure, the fall is farther. Who the hell wants to climb a ladder leading to just another ladder? Don’t we climb to get to a place of solidarity? Is there something about climbing that has been decided that it’s best? And once at a solidified area there is even bigger risk. The fall will, as I already said, be farther. Will you knock down anyone climbing the ladder you just finished? SHould you even LEAVE your ladder THERE? What if someone climbs it and pushes you off the ledge? So we climb up, and set boundaries and essentially “hope”…? Hope that I don’t fall. Hope I dont’ get pushed or surpassed. I mean I climbed the ladder pretty far, but Woman B is climbing fast, and she’s younger with better legs, and she’ll get to my level and pass me – and then what? Hope she doesn’t dump her garbage over her new ledge just so it lands on mine? I mean, levels can suck right?

No, no we WANT to be told what to do, where to go, how to do it, what to do with it once we have it. We need the advice and recognition and someone older, and wiser or better at it than we are to TELL us when to start, how far to go, when to stop and it goes on and on and on. We need the pat on the back once we’ve accomplished something. Then we need to be able to complain about it too. Otherwise, there’s no problem with it – and there is ALWAYS a problem, am I right? There’s always SOMETHING to be done, to be upgraded. Someone to be educated and disciplined. There’s always a better method in which to do it and we have to come up with the method in order to keep our place on the ledge, by the ladder while looking up to the next level, not shoving anyone off yours, helping the person coming up but hoping they’re not better than you, but of course complaining if they can’t do it like you. If we come up with the next best method, then we have earned the ride on the escalator or elevator and we forget what it took to get up the first ladder to begin with. We stop honoring the push, the drive, the encouragement. We take for granted what we have because the value lowered when we left it on the lower level after getting to the next floor. We stop having expectations of ourselves and others because we get comfortable. Well – what’s wrong with comfort???

I mean, if we essentially “drop” the expectations after clearly stating that they only lead to failure, where else can we go? What will drive us to do more or better? What will make us WANT the next level? How many FREAKING LEVELS ARE THERE??? Comfort is cushy. It’s soft, and after all that climbing if we just sit, the lower levels will send us anything we need because they want to please you, so they’ll be invited up and given the access code for the private balcony.

What if you’re afraid of heights? Literal and not, but lets go with not literal. The higher you are, again – the farther you potentially can fall. The more people you can potentially take down with you or injure on your great fall. Can you just …pay for someone to catch you? Can you have someone send over the big cushy net to catch you? Do you fall then grab at anything to hold on to? Do you sacrifice others so you can stay put? The higher up, the more cushy, the more cushy the more expensive, the more expensive the bigger the tabloid. So, does money give comfort? Does earning the special code for the private balcony mean anything more than “i had to work hard to get here?”

Who decides to stay put? Someone has to teach the others to climb once they’ve gotten to the next level? Someone has to encourage the continuous reach for something more, right? Well, are the people teaching holding any expectations of themselves or others? Do they stop trying, because they are afraid to fail? or afraid to succeed? Either way the fear is very present because their society wants them to CHOOSE. Choose to DO…SOMETHING….AAAANNYYYTHING. But….but…it’s TERRIFYING!!!! What if I choose wrong?! what if I choose right by the standards of my parents, or friends, but I am passionless about my choice – can we choose, not to choose? How do you even TRY to not choose??? Do you stay stagnant and watch the world build quite literally around you and the very ground you stand on. If you dont’ move with them, they could run you down, push you over, drop something ON you, either way – you could get crushed if you don’t choose to move up or over or out of the way, either way you HAVE to choose apparently.

With so much freedom, comes so much MORE responsibility to make good, sound, and reasonable choices that reflect on you as a person, a human. And with those good, sound, and reasonable choices comes debt, and time lost and money lost, and opportunities lost and friendships lost, but you supposedly also GAIN but will it EVER BE ENOUGH?? Do the opportunities you lost mean anything if you never had them to begin with? Because you lose touch with your best friend of fifteen years because you are pursuing the fifth level, do you lose a piece of who you are and how you got this far – to begin with? How do you pay homage and ditch out? How can you EXPECT to succeed without making sacrifices??

you can’t, and so – you fail…at something…always. You stop looking at the dollar earned and start going “it could’ve been two…” then you blame someone, or yourself and set new expectations and somehow realize you haven’t …even..be climbing the right building.

F. Word.

You were so passionate about excelling and pursuing before. You had such freedom with no expectations and no boundaries, then you look up and go – oh…wrong place..hmm…how do you get back? I mean…sure you have the freedom to get back, but now you’ve been in it, and at it for twenty five years and have other shit to worry about and take care of, you have someone else’s freedom to fight for and encourage. If you lose yourself, can you retrace your steps to see where you went wrong? Is there a time limit on backtracking? Will it be frowned upon if I back track? I mean…everyone was so supportive before, then I made it – but I didn’t like it…will they support me if I try something different? Or…did I have my chance, and did I blow it?

Chance at WHAT???

Everything.

Yep, and that’s what passionless, terrifying freedom can get you too. Everything. Freedom can get you anywhere. It’s making the choices, within the confines and boundaries – yes boundaries – that will get you there. Because freedom has no restraints, and neither do boundaries, once you choose you leave the boundary in pursuit of whatever you’ve decided – keeping in mind the life you want to have, the money you want to make, the company you want to keep, the food you want to eat, the bills you’ll have to pay. Freedom is just another kind of line we cross or path we use, or ladder we climb to get somewhere else Hopefully though, you won’t lose yourself, you’ll learn from the sacrifices that had to be made, and you’ll honor the people who encouraged you to climb, as much as the people you walked over to get there.

Freedom is something you have to do something with, in order to get anything out of it. It is the consequences of every choice made that requires any real movement that can be absolutely paralyzing.

I have the freedom to move. Should I?

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on November 12, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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