without knowing; we run willingly, not blindly
I want to run. Often throughout the day I want to run. I wish it was not 20 degrees outside and slippery and snowy and sloshy, because I would like to run. It is only as of late this want has been surfacing. It is only since I laid down my cards, my shield, my torch–whatever you want to call it– that I have this need to move faster. I don’t know why I need to run, I only know that I must honor the need to run. I cannot run great distances. I cannot run very fast for very long, but the serge of energy or the power within me that is stirring is increasing and pushing me to obey ..the need…to run. So I do. I warm up, and then I run. I run for five minutes, then I walk up hill for 10, then I run again, then I walk again, then I run again…until I am drenched in sweat and realize my body’s demand for air. My body is also not asking for air, like it normally does, it is taking it. The anxiety that has been fluxing within me for some time, over a few things, has repressed my ability to breathe. I find myself holding my breath or taking very small and shallow breaths. Which only causes more anxiety. When I run, I do not have time for anxiety, I have only one thing to do–run. My body will take air when it needs it, it will tell me to slow down when it needs to, it will tell me to speed up when it needs to. Somehow in there I am finding what I am truly made of; having never been someone to run–from anything–perhaps I am running to something. Perhaps my mind and body and heart are finally synching and allowing me to focus on the task at hand, and what is that task? Perhaps I am redefining balance within myself.
This evening I sat and chatted with my best frienchy (yes that is correct) and we talked about balance a little bit. For years we balanced each other, playing opposites, seeing things differently. These talks never brought us to arguments but rather a sense of well-roundedness. Our eating habits were never the same, we weren’t excited about the gym at the same time, or relationships or family life. We lived in a sort of …opposite place and with that opposition came an understanding of how we needed to be there for one another. Tonight, however, we may have crossed into new territory and changed our future for the better. It would seem that we are both gaining strength in aspects of our lives. Strengths where normally only one of us would feel it. Tonight we sort of embarked on what could quite possibly be the beginning of our true adulthood. The kind of place where we come to terms with our mistakes and stop attempting to justify our childish actions or behaviors. The kind of place where both sides of the scale are filled with delicacies and one wouldn’t want to burden either side without careful consideration. We are carefully considering our steps, and yet…jumping in. We are realizing that instead of balancing the world in which just the two of us reside, we can stand together and face what else is out there knowing we have each others backs. I will not have to look back to know he is there, running with me.
There comes a time for sprints, where nothing else matters but the speed–and the air will come.
There comes a time for slow motion, where everything else matters but the speed–and the air will be controlled.
There will be balance.
There will be breath.
It is time.