“Each game gone through means one or two less mistakes remain to be made”

It is easier to despise, than love.  It is easier to hold a grudge than forgive.  It is easier to point fingers towards others to place blame. It is easier to be negative, than positive.

Breaks ups are more like breakdowns.  You look for the pieces that shattered everywhere that you really liked and try to make something whole again.  The problem with that one is that all that crap that also lay shattered on the floor, are pieces of the original whole fixture.  You will not be able to make something wonderful out of only the food memories, and then move on as if the crap didn’t exist.  It’s just not going to happen.  Trust me–I’ve tried on numerous occasions.  I’ve tried just smooshing the good stuff all together and making one big clump-o-goodness as if it was play-dough, but it didn’t look pretty.  Being whole should be pretty!!  At least, *I* think it should be.

So, then what?  Pieces everywhere.  Well, my next tactic is to approach the pieces as if it were a puzzle.  When I do puzzles I like to separate the edges from the inside pieces, and find all the corners, too.  Then I’ll separate color schemes or patterns and just…begin.  It does take patience, it’s okay to take a break and walk away from it, but once you finish it’s a real sense of accomplishment.  Here’s the problem with this one regarding the breakdowns: It now looks just like the picture but with weird edges and lines all through it.  Almost like a constant reminder of where everything broke down.  doesn’t matter if you shallack it and frame it so it can’t break again, the cracks and breaks are there and cannot be ignored.  And looking at it will be a constant reminder of the happy picture–with all it’s cracks and imperfections.  Being in love should be a perfection??!!!  Sigh, strike two.

Well, I’m not sure what else to try so my next, and final tactic to get over/through/whatever with the breakdown is to ignore it’s there until I can devise a new plan.  I will walk on the pieces and go about my day, brush them off my bed when I try to sleep and let them roll around with the dust and dirt that collects as I go about my day with the window open.  Hell, I’ll go about the entire WEEK or MONTH with that stuff rolling around, because I WANT TO FIND THE SOLUTION DAMNIT.

And all the while I have completely forgotten this idea: All the pieces do not solely belong to me.  They are things we created together.  The good AND the bad.  It was all done together.  And I can blame as much as I want, and so can he.  And we can argue about the same things over and over and over, and never make progress because…well…I think–Once you break it down the real images take place.  The fundamentals of any kind of relationship.  The deal breakers, the ideas, the attempts–all of that is the real stuff.  And sometimes it’s pretty.  Sometimes it’s not, and accepting it just for what it is, EXACTLY the way it is without changing it or, or trying to assemble it differently, is what the REAL picture IS.  And sometimes…that is not a pretty picture.

Sigh, again.  Well.  Hmmm, what now?

Grab a broom and clean it all up.  Wash everything off.  Reorganize what you do have, right in front of you, and realize that it’s all you need for now.  It’s not perfect, it’s not complete or the way you want it all to be, but it’s yours.  And now you can focus on what else you want to make just yours without having to share or compromise.  Be selfish.  Be alone.  And do it because you want to.  It will be hard, but that was one of the biggest fundamental pieces you disagreed on.  Ease vs. difficult. If it’s easy it can become mundane.  But difficulty, well that’s where challenge and gratification meet up to play chess on.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on September 20, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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