I used to measure my value from the weight of the words that came from others mouths.  When I didn’t like what they would say I became mean and bitter, then I would do the same to someone else.  I would say mean and bitter things.  I would say them to whichever guy I was dating if they bothered me with something.  I wouldn’t do it to my family or friends, just the guy I was dating.  I’m unsure why I thought it was okay–it’s not okay to talk meanly to people.  It made me feel better when I did it.  I wanted to be the person that said EXACTLY what she thought and felt because I kept my mouth shut for such a long time.  I’d say what should’ve been said, or I’d say things as politically-correct or as rule-following as I could.  In order to  keep the waters calm and appease everyone.  And the ones I didn’t use this…philosophy…on, were the guys I dated that eventually got on my nerves or became bad guys, or annoying guys, or clingy or said they loved me–and it had been a whole month.  Part of my don’t-hold-anything-back motto was to force myself to be more honest, and to call others out on their bullshit.  It’s hard when they say something back.  It’s always hard to hear someone say something mean about me, to me.  I want to hear what they think, I wouldn’t want someone to talk shit about me behind my back, I prefer it to my face.  Doesn’t make it any easier, though.  Makes me a little bitter…so that I want to say something back in defense. I also makes me look at life a bit more realistically.  As people…oooo I should be careful with finishing that sentence..too general of a grouping…hmmm…

People can be mean.  I can be mean.  Sometimes it makes me feel better.  Sometimes it makes me feel crappy.  And when I’m faced with the mean coming at me I have to remind myself of the realness of who I am, where I am and how real the other person is that’s delivering their words.  Even if it’s not mean, it’s just honest…I have to allow the words to land and mean exactly what they are intended to be.  Sometimes the intention isn’t heard, especially with our emails and texts.  Sometimes the tone of the message is unclear.  Sometimes, it’s crystal clear.  Sometimes something like this::: “maybe you’re right.  perhaps I just didn’t want to see you enough” is exactly what it says.  And more importantly, it’s okay.  I’ve been on both sides  of that, and I just need to remind myself of that sometimes.