Folks, Watch Your Blind Spot or People Creep Up On You
My slight apologies to anyone reading this with zero background story, special circumstances bring me to this post.
Mr. Sam Nicholson:
a song lyric for you: You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you.
Obviously my silence was not clear enough, so I am writing this. Read it all. Soak it in. Let every word land. I’ve quoted you and placed “RE:” as my response. I can only hope that I am clear enough. Okay? Ok. Lets start:
“I wanted to offer both of us completeness, I feel you must still be holding on to grudges or hatred for me. ”
RE: For starters that’s just an odd choice of wording. “completeness” So you already sound weird. Secondly, I do not need nor want anything from you in order to have closure. I actually already have it. I’ve been over “us” for some time now. It would seem you only “feel” I must be holding on to things because you stalk my posts on fb or read my blogs and you assume I’m actually wasting my time talking about you or my experiences with you. I’m WAY past that. I would not take an offer of ANYTHING from you. Ever. You probably learned the word completeness from something or someone else, you are unable to come up with such things. It’s like you left, then knocked on the door to say one more thing–stop knocking. I’m not answering the door for a number of reasons.
“And it is important for me that you let go of that and not just from what happened with us, but with happened with the others as well.”
RE: Oh, it’s important to you?? Well in THAT CASE…yah, no. I have NO CARE for what is important to you. That stopped over two years ago. YOU do not know me or what I am doing in my life while moving on and moving forward. Reading my public blogs and public fb posts do not depict every nuance. As far as “with others” …, it’s not my concern about your mind set or well being with anyone. Including myself. You contradicted yourself saying you noticed I didn’t respond to your card, and that you would understand me not wanting to talk to you, but YOU are not okay with how thing ended, and so…you contact me again? (rolls eyes)–I do not care how you feel about how things ended.
“Im just going to tell it to you like it is Aiyani, because I see a great potential and power within you.”
RE: Oh, dear. He’s found a high horse ladies and gentlemen. THIS GUY out of everyone in my life is the one who is gonna tell me like it is…
“ I see someone who can do amazing things, yet is constrained by her past.”
RE: You’re talkin’ gibberish… Your “observation” of my being “constrained by my past” is not only insulting but borderline hilarious! I’m not constrained by my past. I’ve had all kinds of experiences, none of which have constrained me, nor killed me—obviously since I’m alive and able to respond to you regardless of how many times you made me laugh and roll my eyes at your attempts to educate me. If anything I’ve actually done a great deal of service to myself by moving ON from my past, where as clearly you have tried to hang on to something. Whatever you believe are facts about my life, whether true or not, are ultimately none of your business. I didn’t come from a tortured childhood. And my experiences in relationships are just that; they are MY experiences. Not something for you to attempt to dissect and understand. You worry about yourself and your own growth.
“There was something very wise that you told me during our time together. You always told me ‘words carry weight’. and that is true. I just didn’t get it until recently. What I got from that today is, Nothing means anything except the meaning I give it. Now, i really want you to think about that.”
RE: I think this may the one time you are correct in this entire email. You quoted me correctly with “words carry weight.” So congratulations, you listened—once. However, who do you think you are that I would stop and think about anything you have to say? . I have no interest in your opinion or unsolicited advice. I actually find it cancerous, your words. I will not take ANY time to consider your words nor will I bother measuring the weight, because they bare none. Your words carry zero weight with me.
“This power to change the way you feel, the way the past has a hold on us, and to recognize constraints and be able to change the meaning is a power we have but don’t know how to use it. ”
RE: The mere fact you find it okay, or your right… tell me anything, speaks highly if your conceited-ness. Of which I have zero time, or energy, or want for. You’re also attempting to tell me things I already knew, even before I met you, you’re just using new words—someone else’s words, no doubt, since you are incapable of coming up with your own important phrases and mantras.
“I would like to create a new possibility for you:
RE: Did you really just write that to me and think I’d take you seriously?
“I would like you to consider that you can be free from all that and really let go. whatever happened to us in our childhood or in our past, happened and its not longer happening. Except in our minds and in our words. if we keep thinking about it and talking about it, we will relive it. Imagine that we can let go of that by simply forgiving ourselves for being the way we were in the matter. We cannot move forward if we are looking in the rear view mirror. ”
RE: I actually had to read this a few times because I couldn’t believe you were actually writing these words to me. You’re hilarious. Do you think I’m someone else? You must have me confused with someone else, because I didn’t have a bad childhood. And sure I have a past EVERYONE does. But I don’t spend my time thinking about it and talking about it and reliving it, and playing the Victim-Card, or Poor-Pitiful-Me card. I’ve done what most people call “learned, and moved on.” Are you familiar with these words, or is that in a different seminar you haven’t attended yet? If you need to “simply” forgive yourself “for being they way you were in the matter” that’s your business. I find your assumptions that we are at all alike in comparison laughable and sad. You need forgiveness? Looks like you have all the tools you need. Why include me? You obviously need something from me. And I offer you nothing anymore. And yes we can move forward and glance in the rear view mirror, it not only allows us to see how far we’ve come but gives us a heads up for whose creeping up from behind us, in our past–where they need to stay. This only proves I didn’t watch carefully enough. Maybe take a glance in your own rear view mirror and stop hovering in my blind spot. Worry about where you are. Not me. Not “us” because that doesn’t exist anymore. I’m in my lane. Stay in yours.
“I would like to share an amazing intensive seminar with you that has done wonders for me….(info omitted)…they have one in manhattan. You will benefit tremendously from this.
RE: Again, you thinking I’d take any advice from you is laughable. But no, keep going I’m so hypnotized and enthralled…
“Imagine after doing this, you won’t feel the constraints of going to therapy,
RE: I don’t feel constrained, I feel empowered.
“or taking medication because they give it to you and think it will help.
RE: woah woah woah. I’m gonna interrupt you right there Mister High Horse and say this: It is none of your business, but I am not taking any medication. And in defense of those who must because of a chemical imbalance–how dare you. How dare you not only assume, but blatantly disrespect the modalities, anyone may choose or have to use to find balance in their life. Whether it’s eastern or western medicine they seek our for assistance with their imbalance. You need to back peddle as fast as you can on that one because your ignorance is showing again. You don’t know anyone but yourself. And people who meet you, if they are smart, in my opinion, they will tread lightly and stay briefly, as you assume your role as “teacher” or “preacher.” You may have learned about yourself during your “journey” but it does not mean you know anyone else. Your experiences are yours. Do not share them with me. I have extended no invitation to you whatsoever. Do not compare yourself to me, my childhood, my family, my past or whatever other word you decided to toss at me in hopes of me playing along. You work on you and your issues with Your dad, and Your mom, and Your brother and Your sister, and Your ex-wife, and Your son, and Your life. I have nothing to do with you. I want nothing to do with you.
“imagine the possibility of being free to really go out there and be the actress you have always wanted to be. and which you should be because you are a great talent and robbing the world from you. imagine recreating new and old relationships that can empower you and help support you wherever you are. I really hope you do this and create an amazing life. ”
RE: You’ve actually never seen my acting work, but thanks I’m flattered, I guess. But look, fans are nice but don’t get all stalker-y. It’s creepy. And again—none of your business—BUT…I already know I’m free. I don’t feel weighed down or not good enough. I am living my life as I see fit. And when negativity finds its way in, I assist it in finding its way out. I did it before you were in my life, and I’ve been doing it just fine since you left my life.
You sound like you’re reciting someone else’s words and lines. It’s insincere and unnecessary. Like you have a script to follow and are filling in the blanks. Sounds cult-like and if your goody-bag included a soap box, shame on you for stepping on it and contacting me in the same breath. Your hopes for me are bullshit. Just like your words. You are not important to me. I hold you in no regard or authority in any subject matter therefore anything you say to me is invalid, unnecessary, annoying and show me YOU are unable to let go. So follow your own advice.
It’s clear from reading your card, and your recent email that you are not pleased or happy with things. I also noticed you didn’t mention any of the work you actually have done ON YOURSELF. You just turned around and started pointing a finger at me claiming I haven’t forgiven or let go or moved on or what have you. The thing here is it seems as though you think you left me standing in a hallway, waiting. Like…I’ve been standing still for two years crying and sobbing and not functioning, when in fact the opposite is true. Your card and email neglect to consider the work *I* have done on MYSELF while moving forward. You haven’t taken my privacy into consideration. You haven’t taken my self-work into consideration or any paths of forgiveness or whatnot that I HAVE accomplished. You actually believe my life still revolves around you somehow, and it’s just…sad. Laughable and sad that you think this. Because quite honestly I’m doing pretty damn great in life. Something you obviously have overlooked completely during your quest for “completeness” –again, really weird wording. If you want some kind of resolve or man-up way to prove yourself to me somehow, then you can pay off my hospital bills from that fun July weekend. Thanks a lot.
This is the part that is probably the most important::
Stop stalking me. I know it is my responsibility to monitor my public posts, on my blog, and fb. It is not okay for you to mail me cards, or send me a private email from a new email address from a soap box you’ve decided to stand upon. You’re preachy high and mighty-ness tactic was uncouth and presumptuous. It is not a coincidence you emailed me with a title “Forgiveness and Letting Go” a day or so after I posted about forgiveness and holding grudges on my fb page. Something that, by default, invites others to participate in–the difference is they are my friends and family. And you are not. They matter. You do not. The only feelings I have for you or about you right this moment is surprise by the sheer audacity you thought it was okay to contact me and give me advice.
I’ll take a few more moments to be as specific as I can:
Your vanity blinds you. My posts are not and were not about you.(well THIS ONE is, but it’s a special circumstance, happy?!!)
Whatever journey or discoveries you have made for yourself are yours and you can keep it that way. Do not share with me via email or card or any delivery system.
Your feelings and thoughts on my posts are invalid to me. Your words carry zero weight. The only thing you’ve done here is disrupt me and somehow force me to respond to you because silence didn’t work. I ignored your card because it was bullshit and it sounded like you were following through with some kind of AA steps. Do your self-discovery and self-recovery stuff but leave me alone already. Your perspective is such tunnel vision you have no idea what’s going on around me. I don’t need to be fixed, especially by you.
I seek out my own ways of learning and moving forward.
I have a friend who works with CA law and although they have encouraged me to file a restraining order against you and file a report about your harassing me, I’m going to offer you the chance to prove to me you will leave me alone and stop stalking me—by never contacting me again.
I’d like to end this by using three magic words. Words that I choose carefully because of the “meaning I give them”
We’re Done Here.