Normally these reflections on the past year bring back all kinds of  good memories.  Although I am not reflecting on anything “bad,” this last year was quite unexpected, at least the last half was.  The last half of 2015 was full of huge changes and discoveries.  Most days I found to feel “every day” but ultimately the changes are life-altering, full of surprises, confusion, old love becoming new love again and coming to terms with the choices I’ve made.  Those choices will become the kind of challenges I never thought I’d cross, and it’s difficult for me to be humbled and simply say “thank you” but as I walk up to these new changes and challenges I should immediately thank those who have supported me.  I should thank those who have made changes in their lives based on my changes, like my mother.  I should thank my friends who have stuck by me and listened to me complain, and cry, and yell.  Friends that have allowed me to be lazy or secretive because I was not yet ready to let everyone else in.    I should thank my New Mister, who in fact is not “new” but an old love, rekindled, for choosing me (again).  For not judging me, but listening and caring.

And I will–I will thank all of you, somehow.

 

 JANUARY

Continuing the luck-of-the-draw in playing The Lotto to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch, my housemate, Ianina and I went to play to see John Cameron Mitchell star in the role he created.  The show itself is fun, a little different with each actor that steps in.  JCM was more fun than I could’ve imagined.  His jokes and improv were spot on, and although when he came out of the Stage Door he declined taking pictures with people, we could photo him and when he passed by me I asked if I could hug him and he said “of course.” and hugged me.  I had whispered to him “excellent work tonight” and he squeezed me tighter and whispered back “thank you so much.” Hedwig was not the only show I saw this month!  My christmas present to Boyfriend Jenn was to see Bradley Cooper in The Elephant Man.  We had a “Bradley Cooper Weekend” watching the show, and Hangover, and interview clips from the show and other movies he was working on.  It’s possible we paused the movies we watched and posed next to him with smoochie faces…shut up.  We have fun when we’re together!  Although it was winter, I successfully scheduled time amidst my full time work and full time school routine to continue Kick Boxing, introduce Mr. Gutter to Pedros in Brooklyn (the first decent mexican food I had found in NY), get to Physical Therapy, do homework, and job search.  The spa I had been working at was losing it’s sparkle when the owner started talking to me and treating me poorly.  I had finally accepted “friend requests” on fb from classmates (a rule I previously set in place for good reasons), and I took a leap into being vulnerable by posting two videos of songs I’d written on the piano, and sung.  They were taken down only days later…but I tried!

FEBRUARY

By february I posted a third video of a song I wrote and played on the piano–and also took it down days later.  It’s quite terrifying putting personal things like that out there for people to see and hear, I thought I could do it and let people see that part of me.  But…nope! ha!  My days started by waking up at 7am, leaving for work by 930a, leaving work by 730p for class, staying there until 11p and getting home by midnight.  Only to hope I could fall asleep with minutes of laying down by 1a in hopes I could sleep all 6 hours before doing it again.  My housemate and I got last minute tickets IN THE FRONT ROW to see “The River” with Hugh Jackman in it.  I remember there was a scene where he was preparing dinner in silence and someone started applauding because he was cutting vegetables and such.  Quite funny.  We were close enough I could’ve reached up and grabbed him–but I didn’t.  Ever the well-behaved audience member.  She also treated me to “Cabaret” with Emma Stone and Alan Cumming as a christmas present.  So so so so so FUN!  Being this close to Broadway to be able to see these shows is one of the BEST things about living here! During February I also wrote one of my favorite blogs entitled “(S)wipe Out” and I interviewed at a prestigious high end spa, where I sat with the owner and CEO and talked, then did a mini facial and a back massage and was offered the position on the spot!

MARCH

It wasn’t as snowy by now, but still quite cold.  My days were basically Work/Class/Clinic.  Approaching the end of my two-year attendance I was in the middle of writing and studying for finals, as well.  I left the spa I was working at having accepted a new position with Ling Skin Care NYC.  I used my crockpot more, including making a stellar chicken enchilada soup with home made enchilada sauce! (thank you very much).  I attended IECSC, a spa convention that spans 3 days of great deals on skin care equipment and products, and classes.  I saw the show “If/Then” starring Idina Menzel with my friend and housemate, Sloan.  That show…you must pay attention to.  If I had had any booze in my system I would’ve been lost for sure.  It had to be a bit difficult for the cast, as well, to keep it all straight while learning it.  That picture up there is outside of a restaurant Sloan and I walked by on the way to the train from seeing If/Then.  I found it random enough to document.  Sloan moved out at the end of the month and went back to North Carolina (where I believe he is now happily married).

APRIL

UGH! I love those boys.  My nephews that live in Jersey! Mr. Gutter invited me along to Medieval Times in Jersey for my birthday and paid for my ticket, an announcement during dinner, and the king named me a Lady and Dame of the Realm.  I have a picture, a scroll, and video to prove it…muuuahahaha.  Boyfriend Jenn took me to see “Something Rotten” for my birthday.  Now THAT is one hilarious show! So many shakespeare jokes (tons I probably missed, too) and many jokes about musicals and other shows in general.  Such a good time! After, we went to The Playwright and had dinner and drinks.  So this birthday year was a total win!  I graduated from the New York College of Health Professions with an Associates Degree in Occupational Studies for Massage Therapy, a two year course and over 1,000 hours in anatomy, myology, pathology, neurology, different techniques and much more.  I celebrated with a few choice classmates by drinking and singing at Planet Rose, we called it Wepa Wednesday.  I was definitely hammered by the end of the night.  Wow.

MAY

Up there are the band members of Face The King, and I love them.  The second one from the left, Dan, is the one who got me to listen to them and I finally got to see them play live (in Long Island…) and meet all of them.  By “meet” I may have attacked them with hugs as well…and bought a shirt and had them all sign it.  It was a month of favorite bands as I was also able to see Bound By Substance play at the Mercury Lounge.  It had probably been over a year since I’d seen them play! May 3 also held my anniversary date for moving to NY.  I went to The Rockstar’s (Dino Colacito) house for Preakness…a horse race of some kind where I dressed up and we drank rose ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT long.  Wow.  Then I was further extended the invite to his Annual Memorial Day BBQ where I had beer.  Ten of them.  I don’t like beer–I drank ten because it was free and available to me.  I saw Age Of Ultron, and wrote a blog important to me entitled “Behind Paper Trees” where a song by Face The King was referenced and used.

JUNE

This was the month that began to change everything.  I had more “me-time” on my hands available and that was lovely, truly.  A friend of mine was moving, so he came over to say goodbye.  I saw Face The King perform live AGAIN, this time for the Indie Music TV launch.  The drummer, Randy recognized me as the really loud girl from their concert in Long Island–I’ll take it, and I found the lead singer hiding on a couch somewhere.  I of course went over to bother him and he said (mouthed) hello and how are you.  I found The Guitar Player (Dan) and hugged him.  They are truly amazing to me.  I was the only girl at my spa that was an Esthetician AND a Massage therapist, so I did all the body treatments and a few facials and some of my loyal clients followed my over there.  I enjoyed a two-week vacation to CA to visit family and friends.  So much happened there…saw Eddie Izzard live, my mother turned 60 and we had a Beatles themed wine tasting birthday party for her.  Mr. Gutter and my two jersey nephews were also visiting CA so we were all able to be together for a  couple days.  Siblings got a matching tattoo, Adriane hosted a sleepover, wine tasting, I drove up to visit the Champeau’s for a couple days.  Had dinner with a good friend, bought a new fun dress, went to karaoke and saw so many old friends that it was more like a reunion from the good ol’ Sunset Dunes Days.  I hadn’t seen Randy and Cortney in over a decade! And I officiated a friends wedding.  I’ve known Shaun for almost two decades by now, I love his lady Aja, they have a son together and they’ve been wanting to get married for a while.  So I said–lets do this while I’m visiting!  It was an excellent day.  What else? Mr. Gutter’s sister, Sarah, visited and we toured the city for about 8 hours getting them to certain sites as quickly as we could.  Including the 9/11 memorial site, which is quiet, very clean and beautiful.  Marriage Equality hit all 50 states during this month! And by the end of the month I had strep throat and it was horrible.

JULY

I had a doctors appointment thursday July 2nd.  I hosted a 4th of July brunch and we watched ID4 (as per tradition, of course).  Boyfriend Jenn and her boyfriend Jeff (sounds funny, right?) came over, as did The Professor and Lady Schrift, and my newest housemate Elizabeth also had a friend visiting and they had brunch with us as well.  I made Independence Day Sangria, and tried Grapefruit beer–it was delicious.  I went to Jersey to visit Mr. Gutter and since Jenn had the boys, we were able to have dinner and chat (good chinese food), and we went to see Terminator: Genesis–which was super awesome, in my opinion.  During this month I had decided I’d be moving back to the Central Coast by September, but I told very few people.  Immediate family only, and I began interviewing people to take over the lease of my apartment.  Hoping I’d find a good match with the current housemates I had.  I didn’t want to leave NY, I needed to.  I had to.  I made a choice to move and over the next few weeks I would be coming to terms with that decision.  Ianina and I went to see a taping of the Seth Meyers show where the guests were Amy Schumer (promoting her movie Trainwreck) and she’s hilarious…REALLY, and the other guest was…a guy I recognized as “porn-stache” from OITNB. Also went to see the movie Trainwreck with my friends Jeremy and Deon, we had food somewhere at a BBQ joint, pretty good.  That movie was hilarious.  I want Amy to be a friend of mine.  My friend Jackie with her daughter, and I went to a place called La Flaca in the Lower East Side.  Best mexican food I’d had since moving to NY.  Sad I was JUST introduced to it, I would’ve gone there a WHOLE bunch in the past five years had I’d known.  Then Jackie treated us all to doughnuts at some bigtime doughnut place, and I got a Creme brulee doughnut, and realized WHY it’s a big deal place.  YUM.  I went with Mr. Gutter later to share the joy, and gave him my inversion table since I wouldn’t be taking it with me to CA.  I love that inversion table, hope it’s getting some good use.  Sucker is HEAVY and the dude carried it down five flights of stairs alone.  I pretty much carried the small bag of plastic accessories.  heh.  During this month I also began to take the Intensives at school as refresher courses to prepare us for the NYS Licensing Exam in August.  It was not fun, at all.  Ever.  We’d shove a trimester’s worth (or two) of information back in our faces in 3 hour increments.  I failed every single mock exam–so I was not excited about the fast approaching real-life-exam.

AUGUST

My last 30 days on the east coast began this month. 27 days left in NYC, and the remaining days were spent in Jersey visiting Mr. Gutter and the boys, and Boyfriend Jenn.  I also injured my back, making packing all 30 boxes extremely difficult.  I was literally in bed for over a week before I could make it down stairs or anywhere else.  And even then, I had to walk with my cane.  I left my job at Ling , she was extremely kind and understanding of everything and supported my decision to return to CA saying New York would always be there, and if I returned I’d have a job with her.  I thought was very kind and caring.  I FINALLY finished watching FireFly AND even saw Serenity, thanks to my friend Amanda.  Boyfriend Jenn came out to the city and we went to the Hunger Games Exhibition.  We spent over  3 hours there, and I wouldn’t have been able to manage without my cane…ugh.  There were a group of kids that got there the same time we did, and we just let them go in front of us knowing they’d rush through everything, and we wanted to take our time and appreciate every piece we saw, and read every sign and placard. I was able to pack and measure and ship 9 boxes alone, but I needed help with the other 21 boxes.  I had friends offering to come out to help, which was extremely thoughtful and I would not have been able to do it without them. So thank you Andrew and Monica.  Also thank you to The Professor and Lady Schrift for offering, if Andrew wasn’t already planning to be there you would definitely have been summoned!  haha  ugh.  Then there was The UPS FIASCO.  I don’t even think I have the energy to discuss it again.  They were just…always late, the drivers threw my stuff in front of me, the people on the phone were as helpful as a bag of sand and then they over charged me…A LOT.  In the end they refunded me some money, and I changed my debit card to avoid further radical charges from them.  The NYS Massage Licensing Exam was on thursday 8/27/2015.  My classmate Seiller (no, not his first name) drove us there, my cane with me.  I took the entire 3 hours allotted, and was convinced I failed.  There were SO MANY questions I literally guessed on because even deductive reasoning couldn’t help me. Some questions I closed my eyes and pointed and if it said “B” that’s what I shaded in on the answer sheet.  I simply…didn’t know some of the questions.  Friday morning 8/28 UPS showed up for the last time (they were supposed to be there wednesday 8/26…) and took the remaining 21 boxes I needed to ship to CA and Mr. Gutter arrived to pick me up and take me to Jersey.  He disassembled my piano, I had my back pack, purse and suitcase ready.  I left keys on the vanity where the new tenant would  see them.  I had already said goodbye to Elizabeth and Ianina.  I stood staring in my room.  The furniture still there for the next person, the empty hangers.  I had flashes that blinked in my mind painting those walls and the window sills of every room in that apartment.  Every.  Single.  Room.  I missed the french doors already, the hanging wine glasses.  I missed the uncontrollable heat from the radiators and poles.  I missed the humming of the A/C unit.  I missed the snow, and chalice nights with friends.  I missed reading in my recliner on my days off.  I didn’t cry, I just stood there and stared for a bit, and Mr. Gutter let me.  He was silent, just standing in the hallway waiting patiently for me.  Eventually I looked over to him and said ok, and he nodded and we headed out the door.  I closed the door, gently when I left and briefly placed my left hand on the door just beneath the apartment number, 54.  I didn’t say anything still, just took my moment and we headed down the stairs, got in the car and went to Jersey.  We ate at Red Robin’s I was introduced to Not Your Father’s Rootbeer. YUM.  I hugged and kissed my nephews a lot that weekend.  I told them why I was moving, I explained it as best as I could considering they were 7 and 4.  We read books and watched movies.  They played in their little pool and I watched them play basketball and ride their scooters.  I just…sat and watched them.  Trying to commit every movement, every facial expression to memory.  I know I was the lucky one that lived close enough to them to see them as often as I did.  I never took that for granted, but I also didn’t expect it to change anytime soon.  That’s the thing with changes, they happen when you aren’t expecting them.  My last day in Jersey I spent with Boyfriend Jenn, we had vietnemese food, had sonic ice cream shakes, watched Alias, and  the next morning I helped her set up her classroom.  She dropped me off to Mr. Gutter’s on monday 8/31 and I hugged her goodbye.  It’s hard to hug someone goodbye and not know when you’ll see them again.  Me and the boys did stories for the last time before bed time, I hugged and kissed them so so much and went to bed knowing I’d wake up and try not to cry.

SEPTEMBER

On the first of September I woke up early as the boys were getting ready for school/daycare.  I hugged and kissed them goodbye and Mr. Gutter left with them and would be back for me.  I got up and got showered, repacked everything I had out the last few days and when he came back we went to breakfast (at a really cool cafe.  No idea what it’s called, several different kinds of eggs benedict though WOW), then he took me to the train station and I hugged him goodbye.  I didn’t have to say much.  Some people just know what you want to say and how you feel.  I hugged him and said “thank you.  for so many things.” and he said it right back.  I got on the train and made it to Newark airport, checked in (with my cane still…) and prepared for my flights home.  I was quiet the whole day.  I didn’t speak to people unless I had to.  I moved slowly because of my back and my mother picked me up at the Santa Barbara airport.  That was the airport I flew out of one-way to NY 5 years, and 4 months ago.  It seemed fitting she’d drop me off then, and pick me up now.  As much as I know she was happy to see me, and excited about the upcoming months, and the changes in my life, it was hard to be happy to see her.  Only because I was still adjusting to the circumstances that brought me back to CA.  I stayed with her in Los osos for a couple days.  Then I stayed with my friend Seanah for a couple weeks until the place my mother was moving to was available.  Living with my mother again would be a challenge, for different reasons.  She’s not a bad person, but I left “the nest” 16 years ago.  Neither one of us knew right away how we’d work it out, living together again.  But was thankful she found a place that I could live.  Knowing I had very little to contribute, it was very humbling and difficult to accept what was happening.  By mid september we moved in to the new place, my back was still not 100% so my brother Rik helped me move  all 30 boxes from my sisters place, to the new place.  And I began to settle in.  I also, oddly enough, reached out to say hello to someone who recently crossed my mind.  Hoping over the past 13 years he’d had a wonderful life and gotten everything he ever wanted.  I found him on fb and said hello and friended him, we spoke on the phone and it was fun to play catch up.  He’s not someone I ever thought I’d speak to again, but he was also not someone I ever wished bad things upon.  We dated in my early twenties.  from 2000-2002, and our breakup was not an ugly toxic thing.  We just wanted different things, or I wasn’t ready for certain things and didn’t want to feel I was holding him back. By september 20th I was heading down to la to have lunch with one friend, then meet up with another friend Dana and go see a movie called The Stockroom.  A movie at the la indie film festival that my friend Victor wrote/directed/starred in (I met him in NY), and I invited that same guy I dated 15 years ago.  He was working within the industry as well and I thought it would be fun to see him. The three of us (he, dana, and myself) went to see Victor’s film, then to ice cream and then found out we could go to Disneyland the next day with my friend Jack.  It was a wonderful time.  I came back to the central coast on tuesday, and I stayed in contact with my old flame.  I continued to unpack into my room at my mothers place keeping in mind I wouldn’t be the only one in there.  It was a slow process.  I had also been applying for jobs, then was offered one in SLOville at a massage and wellness spa.  I’d only be able to work there for a few months, but anything would help and the owner was kind and understanding about all of it.  By the end of the month I found out I passed the NY State Massage Licensing Exam (even though I wouldn’t be there to practice), which meant I would not have to take an exam in CA.  I will only need to send in the application and requirements and a copy of my license.  That was a nice win.  I also, made plans to go back down to la to visit my old flame.  We’d been talking on the phone and skyping and wanted to see one another again.

OCTOBER

My old flame was re-nicknamed to McDreamy for a couple reasons, one he has great hair.  All curly.  ha! I was able to go visit him twice during October.  We’d go see movies, or stay home and he’d cook for me.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I was spoiled.  He made everything left in me light up like the Rockefeller tree.  He became very important to me, very quickly.  My auntie Agnes and Auntie Maria came out for a visit and I let them know why I moved back from CA.  Mr. Gutter and his girlfriend Liz came out for a visit and stayed at my mothers place.  We had a good breakfast at Penny’s All American Cafe in Pismo and walked on the pier.  At one point I went over to Lil Bits Cafe and had breakfast by myself.  I don’t mind being alone, at times I even prefer it.  It’s something I learned to like while living in New York.  I didn’t have to entertain anyone, or invest in any conversation. I could just go about my business in quiet.  I also had breakfast at Bon Temps with my brothers.  I didn’t go to any halloween parties, but The Guitar Player (from Face The King) posted he needed last minute ideas and took MY suggestion, which pretty much made me the winner of everyhing.  I wrote an important blog called “A Conversation” revealing the main reason I moved to CA and answered as many questions as I could within that blog so that I would not get caught with people asking the same things over and over.  Later I revealed that Sourdough was a girl, and Rye Bread was a boy, and both were just fine still baking in my oven.  The crowd went fooking wild.

NOVEMBER

The Dog Haus is a hot dog chain.  McDreamy took me there during a visit and I didn’t even know what to choose, I wanted it ALL.  I was able to visit McDreamy twice in November.  We ate yummy food, had cozy nights at home, saw the Bodies exhibit and the Titanic artifact exhibit.  I had some kind of ridiculously good potato and corn chowder at Vinesa’s house, that was fun.  I started watching AHS: Freak Show.  Scary…could only watch it during the daytime. I wanted to indulge in butternut squash ravioli at Guiseppe’s and Brighteyes came along semi-spontaneously.  YUM.  I finally saw Insurgent (part 2 in the Divergent series) MockingJay part 2 came out and I went at roughly the same time as Boyfriend Jenn did in Jersey, so it could be like we went together.  The hunt for Adobo seasoning for a friend that couldn’t find it in her state, began.  However, all the places that normally sold it here, were also sold out every time I went!  Finally found some and shipped her a ton.  That’s an important thing to recall…  Thanksgiving happened.  My first in CA in 5 years.  I did the turkey again and family came over and we all ate and drank egg nog.  Sister helped pull the turkey apart, taking over the hands of Lady Schrift in our tradition of not-carving the turkey, but pulling meat off with our bare hands.  Good times.  I was also gifted several pieces of furniture from a friend that had twins 4 years ago, so big items were already being taken care of. All my friends have been very supportive and helpful donating furniture, clothes, towels, blankets, mattresses–all kinds of things have been handed down to me so I didn’t have to purchase new things for The Bread.  Very, very kind.  This would not have happened anywhere else.

DECEMBER

Sleep left me alone and made me sad once December rolled around.  I’ve been told it’s like bootcamp, to prepare me for the lack of sleep I will be getting.  And the intervals in which I wake up are also a training course.  BOOOOOOO.  I miss sleep. What else?! My Wifey surprised me by showing up to The Bread Shower from SACRAMENTO.  Such a far drive.  I screamed and cried.  And she came to the house afterwards for a bit, and we had breakfast the next day before she left, as well.  I went to Cory & Jen’s annual holiday party and ate four pulled pork sandos.  Yah, I’m not afraid to admit that.  Freaking delicious.  Accompanied my mother to her work holiday party and watched an interesting game of White Elephant.  And my sweet, handsome Mister came to visit for a week and we spent New Years together.  He has been quite possibly the best surprise in my life since my return to CA.  With the upcoming life changes one would think a guy would keep his distance.  Not him, he cares for me and wants to see where all of this goes.  I didn’t see him or talk to him for 13 years, and now he’s in my life again making me happy.  Perhaps the odds really were in my favor.  Perhaps all the crazy, hugely unexpected changes that have occurred in the last 6 months of 2015 will actually work out.  Just when I think I’m beginning to understand life, it pulls the rug out from me, I fall down, and this time when I go to get back up I’m facing this guy again.  I don’t think I’m allowed to question anything anymore, I think I’m just supposed to go with the flow and see what happens.

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It’s an odd feeling to be thankful for things you never thought would happen in your life, ever  Quite, quite odd.  And instead of analyzing and over-analyzing, like I’m used to, I find myself not asking as many questions but simply accepting the facts and my feelings.

Shows seen in NY before leaving (in no particular order)…. 

The Elephant Man

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Cabaret

If/Then

Placebo

Something Rotten

The Visit

On The Town

The River

Shows seen in CA 

The Foreigner

A Christmas Survival Guide

The Great American Melodrama’s Holiday Extravaganza

Books read:

The Book of Life (All Souls Trilogy part 3)

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me

[yikes, that it for reading??? Mind was on other things this year, clearly]

What I learned

There is never a good time to take a risk, it’s one of the reasons it is called a risk.

Challenges are what happen when you make a choice (and/or take a risk)

Even when the odds are against you, or chances are low for something to ever happen–it could still happen. Thus leaving you to make a choice, take a risk and meet the challenges.

I actually did not want to end up being the 40 year old single lady at the karaoke bar with my Jameson and Gingerale, singing 20 year old songs and “making friends” for the night with the twenty somethings (which I think was where my social life was headed, having given up on relationships or connections with people.  I was very much a loner at times)

Painting all the rooms and hallways in my NY apartment, taking over the lease, carefully selecting housemates, made it all the more difficult to leave.  Because I put so much of my time and energy there.  It was the longest I’d lived anywhere.  I was the most successful I’d ever been in my adult life, living in NY and working as an esthetician.

Sometimes choices are made for us, because we are too distracted or unsettled to make them ourselves.

Being thankful is not the same as being humbled.

The only person that has judged me as much as I thought over the past years, is me.

Asserting myself is not the same as defending myself.  Both of which are important, but don’t necessarily need to be taken to battle.

Isolation shows you who you really are.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone.

Extroverts and introverts are titles that are too black and white to use alone to describe someone.

I miss singing and performing.

My past experience with men and relationships doesn’t define my worth as a partner. In fact, it only makes me better at understanding myself and my current Mister–who has incidentally made everything in me light up again.

I can avoid major sweets like chocolate bars, cake, cookies, ice cream, for  30 days and not die.  hahaha

I know more about skin care than I thought I did, I found this out by how I was learning new products and my knowledge of ingredients and skin analysis.  It makes me a good teacher, so I’m told.

It’s called Massage Therapy, not Massage Luxury, for a reason.

What I aim for in 2016

I want to learn Sign Language (still…20+ years in the making by now..no?)

I want to learn Calligraphy

I want to choose massage specialties to offer (currently considering: prenatal, trigger point, reflexology, sports, and asian body treatments where I’d be working with the meridians and points), and build a clientele along with my esthetics work. I need to be able to make a living again with the skills I’ve learned.

Say thank you more often.  It’s very difficult for me to say thank you when it’s regarding things I didn’t want to have happen.  Or when things don’t happen the way I wanted them to, I don’t acknowledge the effort of others enough, I think. Not because it’s not good enough, or they aren’t good enough, but somewhere in my head its just more difficult to be thankful when it’s not going my way or the way I wanted.  It’s quite selfish of me, and that’s not a good thing.  Even though I feel trapped, and like a failure for so many things, I have to be able to say thank you. This will be very hard for me.

Be open to help with The Bread.  I’m stubborn and want to do things on my own and my way.  Asking for help will be extremely difficult, accepting help will be harder.  I hope I can ask and create boundaries at the same time.

Exercise.  Not just for me and my health, but now to be an example to The Bread, and to support a longer future with my significant other.  Let’s hope my 3 herniated discs do not impinge on such a goal.  I have my chiropractor here and I will go see him.  I will do my core strength exercises my Physical therapist told me to do over and over and over.

Remind myself I am the one who judges me the most.  Me.  Take responsibility for that and stop giving negative-credit to people.

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I ultimately just want things to work out (but I also hope I like how it all works out… know what I mean?)  I don’t feel like an adult right now. I live at my mother’s place, I will need her help.  I need to be thankful and SAY thank you.  My situation is only for now, it’s not forever.  Starting over again is never easy.  Never…ever.  And it seems harder because I was doing well.  I didn’t have to start over because I fell down.  I had to start over because I made a choice, a life changing choice.  And altering my life and my priorities is a difficult challenge, but I’d like to think I’m strong enough to step up to the challenge.  I’d like to think that I got myself this far, and I need to remind myself I didn’t get this far alone! I have had my friends and family behind me the whole way, rooting me on.  I need to remind myself of what discipline and motivation looks like, what results look like when you try, and what patience looks like when you shut up.