Aiyani Mersai

I’m afraid.

I was told that tapping your inner wrists together and saying your fears out loud allows your brain and your body to hear the fear and release it. Release it to be processed out. Release it so I can move on. So I can sleep. So I can eat. So I can see. So I can think. So I can plan. Plan it all out. Schedule for it, earn the money for it, pay for it, talk about it, complain about it, resent it, hate it and trap it again. Inside, where you can’t see it.

tap tap tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap tap.

If I sit here long enough tapping my inner wrists together it all comes out. Every truth and every secret. Every time I didn’t care and did whatever I wanted to. Every time I drowned it in Jameson, or Pinot Noir, or wrote about it, or sang about it. Every time I resented someone or regretted a choice. Every time I ate something I “shouldn’t” have and gained weight. The weight of it all would start to show up physically. Hanging off a body I either betrayed, or thought betrayed me.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

I’m afraid to fall asleep and I’m afraid to wake up. Wake up and use all the swear words before 8am Afraid I’ll say something they’ll hear that will change them forever. Afraid if I don’t follow through that’s all I will be remembered by. That I would say one thing, and do something else. Afraid there will come a day where an apology won’t be accepted and a hug won’t be given. They prove me wrong though. Over and over, they prove me wrong by showing me I’m teaching care and love. That checking in on someone you care for is the right thing to do. That apologizing is something you should do when you mess up.

tap tap tap tap

I’m afraid I’ll be found to be a modern day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Or a fraud of sort by not practicing what I preach. By only being kind to strangers instead of my family and myself. Myself. Well that is someone that I try to honor and often forget, or worse can’t stand. A pedicure here. Some hair color there. Cleanse my face, exfoliate, hydrate. Facial reflexology. Cupping. Gua Sha.

I can’t eat.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

I can’t swallow my food consistently. It gets stuck in my chest. I can’t swallow water consistently it gets stuck. .

Stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

The camera showed nothing. That’s good news…and bad news. Nothing? yes, nothing. There is nothing that can be seen that is showing a reason why you can’t swallow your food comfortably and consistently. So….

so something else is stopping you.

tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

what can’t you swallow down in your life? what are you afraid of? what are you choking on?

tap tap tap tap tap

blink. silence. a breath. blink.

I’m afraid to…I’m afraid to be…I’m afraid to …that I’ll never…that I’ll always. They they will…That she will, that she will hate me when I love her so. That the words I choose and the tone I use will hurt somehow, and not teach her, and she’ll hate me and she’ll resent me the way I resent. I’m afraid that he will feel not good enough because we have to remind him to focus. He IS good and he is good enough. For so much and for so many things and I don’t get to be there. I have to work. I chose rehearsal. I chose…to scroll, to read, to look at something other than the cartoon, or the game. But yes…yes I’ll try checkers, I can’t play chess; well not the board game chess. I’m afraid he won’t need me the way I need him. The way he looks at me and remembers things. The way he checks on me when I…can’t keep food down. And I’m afraid

tap tap tap

I’m afraid this one will one day not look at me like he does right now. That he won’t want to wrap his limbs around my arm like he’s a monkey on a tree branch. That he won’t want to be next to me. I”m afraid of time. Time ticking. Time wasting. Time management. Time lost. Time I’ll never get back.

tick tock tick tap tap tap tap

tear.

I’m afraid of eating because I’m afraid of it coming up. I”m afraid of not eating because I will start to dissipate. who will? *I* will. My colored hair will thin and fall out. I’ll lose more weight but not be strong. When my eyes are opened they’ll be heavy and tired. When I speak it will be weak. I’m afraid to disappoint you, and my dad. I’m afraid the facade will fade and they’ll see how sad and disappointed I am about my choices. About where I am or how I responded. How I decided. How choose and deliver. I’m afraid. I’m afraid i’ll be right.

tap. tap. night.

I don’t know who told me that seven is a magic number, but here I am pulled to the keyboard on this laptop from my couch with my feet up claiming “SEVEN!” Seven.

I woke up this morning with a cough and a sore throat and had to reschedule clients for the day. Granted there were only 3 between 1p-5p, but nonetheless I don’t want to cough or breath over peoples faces and bodies when I’m coughing. So I dropped them off and came back home.

Who’s them?

Sourdough and Rye Bread. Twins. My twins. Babies I’ve had, that are now 7. Seven. Seven years of laughing, crying, swearing… With their brother, the Little Muffin, we had been changing diapers for almost 6 years. Diapers are expensive, and now that we don’t buy them we didn’t magically find extra money with which to splurge each time a paycheck gets deposited. We’ve just already spent it and not budgeted for diapers.

They are seven and while all will tell you it goes by quickly, I felt it. I felt the time ticking slowly every time one of them couldn’t sleep or was sick or there was more cleaning or more laundry or too many toys to pick up after tripping over them constantly. I felt the time ticking slowly when we were potty training or dealing with teeth coming in. Then it did speed up a bit. They were walking and telling stories, coloring, doing projects at daycare. Then they had full size backpacks that hung over 3/4 of their bodies and they were walking into school.

Then there’s behavioral issues, and outbursts and impulses. There’s doctor conversations, school staff conversations, dance lessons, soccer practice and the 100th viewing of Encanto or Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. There’s work, and new clients, and building a business, and bills and operating expenses, and trips to plan and payfor and teeth falling out with those adult teeth coming in.

There’s always something.

And there’s been plenty of times I wondered where I’d be if I was just that single girl in NYC that didn’t come home get married and have babies, I wonder what I’d be eating and where I’d be drinking and what show I was going to see. It’s nice, it’s not awful, what I imagine.

But I see what I’d be missing out on. I see, and feel, where my heart skips and flutters. I feel anger more now ha! I feel happiness more now. I feel frustration at a higher capacity, then these little people I’m helping learn to be bigger people ask me if I want to take a breath. Because that’s what my husband and I teach them. Taking a breath, calm the body, be able to handle what’s going on. It’s ok to have big feelings, and even adults need reminders that those feelings have to be processed and you can’t process if you can’t breathe. I feel impatience. A lot. I feel it A LOT. I also feel seen in a way I can’t explain. Having those baby eyes look at me with love or hope or to tell me the joke they just wrote. Or see their faces light up by something small – because to them it isn’t small, it’s all big and fun and exciting. I’m so tired. I’m drained most of the time. I have to do better. I have to find a way to do better. Make my body function better so I can do better and be better for them. sure, sure for me too. But still.

Seven years is long, and also not long at all, to have all the feelings you never thought you’d have because you chose not to – then changed your mind. I sleep best cuddling with one of my babies, I also haven’t slept in seven years it seems.

Happy birthday to The Bread. I hope I purge my brain here more often in the coming years.

This unprecedented time of CoronaVirus/COVID-19 will change your mind about everything. It will define

And that’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m no doctor. I’m no scientist. I am not in the healthcare industry. I am *now* a stay-at-home parent because my county has put a Shelter-At-Home in place, and a shut-down to businesses that are non-essential. My studio spa, is non-essential. Though some clients may disagree (heh), the highly recommended physical or social distancing of at least 6 feet doesn’t bode well for a skin therapist or massage therapist – which is what I am. So my small business is closed. My daycare is closed and I’m home with 4 year old twins and an 18m old.

I am not stay-at-home parent material. I have friends posting their at-home school schedules for their kids. All schools are closed, kids are attending small sessions via google hangout and zoom, they have online work studies – I’m told. I don’t have any of that. I’m going off the toddler center/pre-k schedule of “the letters we are working on for March are BDR and the color green and the number 8 and the shape of hexagon” My “lesson” on that lasted about 30minutes yesterday. Good thing today is Saturday since I have no lesson planned beyond what we did yesterday. Which wasn’t a lesson – I mean are you following this? Some folks are able to work from home, not me and not my husband. We are not so lucky. We are looking at zero income for an undetermined amount of time. We are looking at a “stay-cation” with our children. Which more so translates a true test of sanity. I fear for us, I fear for the therapy my children will need because they had to be home with me hours on end. It’s just MORE money we don’t have, that we won’t have.

The solution some are offering to small businesses that had to close is debt. Gee thanks. “sorry you had to close for an undetermined amount of time, would you like to go into debt with a 3.75% rate?” We know this is a difficult time for you, we would like to offer a 0% interest rate for 3 months then to 5%. Gee – thanks. I DON’T NEED MORE DEBT ASSHOLES. I need stuff WAIVED. period. There’s even a “hey it’s illegal for your landlord to evict you during these hard times.” Thank you, I’m certain that money will still be due though, so I don’t know $2k for April, maybe not May, but come June perhaps a $6k rent will be issued to play catch up. I just…need…stuff…waived. Electricity emailed they wont turn the lights or heat off, but those bills will also just accumulate.

The stuff due will just pile up. Playing catchup will be awful.

This is all just awful.

Loss. I felt my first loss in October 2019. A dear friend of almost 20 years. I say I “felt it” because people pass, relatives I’ve never met, relatives I have met but haven’t seen in many many years, and unless the loss is close to you, I don’t think you “feel” it. I felt it on October 20, 2019, her birthday would have been tomorrow.

When my husband and I got married in 2017 we had a falling out with some family members right before the wedding. It was a terrible time to have family drama, the stakes seem so much higher around events that shift your life on a large capacity. It was a terrible time to be misunderstood. It was a terrible time to not know certain important facts. It was a long two year after that without them, knowing they were missing out and pretending that it was fine.

Gain. In the summer of 2019 we reconnected. Placing the misunderstandings and unsorted feelings behind us, the family all came together for a wonderful celebration of children, and of my husband’s parents’ 50th wedding anniversary.

A couple days before everyone was here someone stole the license plate off our car – loss. and lame.

I used to do kickboxing, I used to stretch and my joints and muscles thanked me by functioning correctly. I gained 31 pounds pregnant with twins, then lost it, then gained it back, then gained more weight on top of that when I was pregnant again, then lost it, then gained it back more and more and I’m not at a confusing place with my weight trying to run a small business, provide and be there for my husband and our children, and take time for myself. I’ve lost myself a bit, maybe more than a bit, in the past few years learning to be a wife and mom. These are titles I didn’t think I’d have. Not in a sad way, or poor-pitiful-me way, I was just very content being a single girl in Manhattan gettin’ up and goin’ to work, and doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. The responsibilities were far less than they are now. The stakes were also far less.

I’ve lost my ability to do what I want when I want, and I’ve gained a family. I’ve gained different kinds of love, and different kinds of feelings when one of those little kids smile at me, or laughs, or shows they understand something I didn’t think they did. I’ve lost too much sleep, I’ve gained a bunch of cuddles. The littles one, babyK, literally crawls up and finds a way to be wrapped in my arms before he falls asleep, and he’ll stay there, and he’ll fuss if I move him. He wants to be cuddled, it’s adorable.

My aunt, after I had the twins, told me how proud she was of me and that she didn’t think I was going to have kids and that she had hoped I would (secretly), because she didn’t want me to miss out, the way she (seemingly) missed out. But has always been very close to my mom, so the four of us (me and my siblings) have been like hers as well. Still, I surprised her by my personal “plot twist” and moved across the country, had babies, got married and started my own business – within a year or so. heh. She is someone whose opinion I quite value. She visited recently and it’s always like “old times” with her and my uncle (her husband) here. Old times like, all the laughter and jokes, all the sarcasm, all the memories. Old times even though the children are variably new, heh. I love her so.

What I mean is, the loss and gain are supposed to balance each other, right? When we have the loss we experience something in our hearts that later allows us feel “gain” differently. I don’t think of things with silver linings, it’s just not my style. I don’t look on the bright-side, I don’t think within every good there is bad, or visa versa I think the experiences of loss and gain make us view everything differently, if we actually feel it.

I experience loss and gain differently, now, because of how it made my heart feel. I still experience the “all or nothing” distortion in my everyday life, but I think I’m slowly finding my way out of that one because of these realizations of loss and gain. Because it’s close enough to me that I can “feel it.”

I watched a clip of Will Smith basically telling me if someone hurts me, the responsibility of my heart healing and moving on is mine.  Regardless if I find fault in someone else.  Regardless if the reason my heart hurts is because someone else said or did something to me, that it is ultimately *my* responsibility to get up and move on.

This needs to be in as positive a manner as possible because this world has enough hate, animosity, stereo types, victims, under privileged, over compensating, under appreciated people as it is.

Last year, a week before my wedding my future sister-in-law read an email I sent to family and friends that traveled far for the wedding, inviting them to our rehearsal dinner at Klondike’s Pizza for All-You-Can-Eat on Tuesdays.  That email follows:

Hi! You are getting this because we are going to have our “rehearsal dinner” at Klondike’s Pizza in AG on Tuesday 9/19 (All you can eat!!) and even though you are not IN the wedding, you are more than welcome to join us because you are family!!  MIND YOUR ALLERGIES.  This is a place with peanut shells on the floor, it’s that kind of pizza bar. 

You are not missing something.  There is no “2016 Year in Review.” that was the year that blurred the most, but also made other things abundantly clear.  Those things are as follows: I am no longer living in New York City. I am now a mother. These are short and simple statements that also, seemingly, pack a-lot-of-punch.  I certainly could go on and on about either statement, but that would distract me from this particular post.  Perhaps some other time, I’ll let you in on all the details of my planned cesarian, getting engaged, opening my own spa and what it’s really like “baking bread” or “raising dough” – as it were. heh.

In 2017 I….um…well I woke up everyday.  I know this because I went to work, or hung out with McDreamy and our little loaves of bread. Sourdough and Rye. We don’t actually call them that.  Lgirl and Kboy or bubs happen more often than their real names or bread-names. In 2017 I…um…well I didn’t sleep too much.  I know this because I was tired for most of the year from working for myself, raising twins, and planning a wedding.  We did actually get married, we did not leave for a honeymoon, rather we stayed 2 nights at Sycamore in something that was larger than our apartment, and McDreamy and I took one night alone in Cambria while my Maamm watched the babies.

In 2017 I …um…well I gained a lot of weight.  I hit the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.  Some say thats because I have kids now, others say that’s because I don’t sleep, I say it’s because the man of my dreams cooks delicious meals every day and all I have to do is sit and eat.  Eating comes with it’s own challenges though.  It tastes so good, I want to eat ALL OF IT.  It was very rare we’d have left overs because it was so tasty I’d have seconds or thirds just to get the flavor in my mouth.  I mean, we have Burger Night every friday night and there were some fridays where my burger had cheese stuffed in the inside of the meat patty and the patty was wrapped in bacon with half an avocado on top.  Yah, I’m not saying no to that.  Eating comes with other challenges – like gaining weight because I’m not exercising.  That can be subjective and I signed up for a gym at one point but I’m not at a point where I can just do 35 minutes on an elyptical machine and call it good.  I need real motivation.  Real discipline. Maybe even goals.  and in 2017 I um…well I didn’t have any of that. But that has nothing to do with an actual review, does it?

JANUARY

My mom gifted McDreamy and I “date night.”  Every other monday, she comes over to watch and play with her grandbabies and Derek and I go away.  We become Derek and Aiyani, not dad and mom.  We take this time to sit and chat and tell stories to one another.  Some we’ve already told but we weren’t together for 15 years, so there are still some new ones to hear and laugh about. January also introduced us to Jim Beam Honey whiskey.  A delicious rendition of honey whiskey that I mix with gingerale and Derek mostly drinks on the rocks.  We finally had our first guests in our first home (apartment) together.  We got our own place in September 2016, and our first guests were Cory and Jen, and Derek made crockpot fajitas.  They were stupid good.  I purchased Sound of Silence the Disturbed cover and listened to it on repeat for a long while.  I want to make out with that guys voice! I said that to Derek and he didn’t understand.  I didn’t want to make out with the guy – just his voice. heh.  What else? Oh, 2017 started off with getting fraudulent charges on my work debit card.  This actually happened 3 times to my business card, and once to my personal card during the first 4 months of 2017.  But I’d like to not say it in each month I “reflect” upon.  I mean…who wants to reminisce about bank security or website hackers?  not me.  Maybe you, but not me.  But I’ll say this: FOUR FREAKING TIMES I HAD TO CHANGE MY DEBIT CARD.  lame.

FEBRUARY

I was told I would experience “mommy brain.” Sounded silly enough, and with 2016 basically hovering in a haze just behind me I promised I would take a picture the first time I experienced it.  You’re welcome.  Michael Bolton had a Valentine’s special that was HILARIOUS, I hope they put it on Netflix again this year, so we can make it a tradition. Derek, ever the cook, would even make his own meatballs when we were having spaghetti, or pasta or sort.  The bread played in what we called “the fort” and others would call “baby jail” and my mom called “fortress of playitude.”  It kept them in one place, safely and Derek could get other things done around the house.  He was (and still is, and amazing at this) the stay-at-home-parent.  Something I could never be.  People always ask me “how do you do it?! [raise twins]” my answer is always “I don’t do it, Derek does.” He has the stamina to play all day with them, change 15 diapers, make food, and clean the house day after day.  I don’t.  So I go to work. That’s my part, I do what I can to participate in the well being and growth of this family.  I think we both work hard.  In February Derek’s film I Had A Bloody Good Time At House Harker was released on DVD internationally (special DVD players over there) and we watched it here, on my computer with subtitles. It. Was. Awesome.  hahaha  pretty sure they had one guy to the voices for all the male parts, and one girl do all the voice overs for female parts.  We watched the whole thing with english subtitles while listening to Spanish voice overs.  one of the best evenings. ha!  The Bread turned one and I made cupcakes.  It is the one time I’ve dipped into the kitchen, specifically the oven.  They turned out alright. I mean, it was a box I added milk and eggs to, ya know? I put icing on to. Then I licked the spreading knife, like ya do.

MARCH

A friend of mine had a birthday in March, Vickie.  She had said what she wanted for her birthday was the old karaoke gang to come out and sing some songs.  So – we did.  Kaza and I showed up together, like old times, we sang songs from our days at Sunset Dunes.  We made fun of how we can’t do back bends while dancing anymore.  Kaz and I even busted out some show tunes.  People that knew us back then, they sat in the ‘front row’ and we all were transported for a short time, especially when we sang “for good.”  That made the tears roll down for a several people.  The past is a place I actually rather enjoy visiting and bringing up (when it’s good stuff…). We used to go out 2-4 times  a week just to sing.  Now, well, I did it once in March of 2017, and I have a blurry picture to prove it. In other news I reflect on watching GIRLS on HBOGO, and in one episode they were at Rice to Riches in NYC and I freaked out!  I LOVED IT THERE.  I had only been a few times but it was always so freaking good.  I thank The Professor for introducing me to such goodness.  The Official Wonder Woman Trailer came out and sister and I promised each other we’d go together.  Derek made pizza-burgers one friday night (you know we did burgers every friday night), I was on the search for the greatest bra, and Bubs wanted to sweep everything with his new broom.  He was cute running up and down the hallways dragging his broom around.

APRIL

Derek made peanut butter cookies from scratch.  – I know that is not what is pictured, relax, I’m getting to it.  But he did! And they were great!.  I tried Bulletproof coffee, you know the kind where you put ghee in your coffee.  Yah, I did that for about 2 weeks. ew.  Couldn’t keep it up.  Just tasted like butter in my coffee.  Derek’s friend came up from los angeles for a visit and Lgirl judged him (like she does) right up until he was leaving then I’m pretty sure she flashed him a smile.  Vons was selling GirlScout cookie cereal.  I mean…that’s pushing it right?  You can’t just take Thin Mints and put them in a bigger box and call it cereal.  That’s awful.  There is a line, GirlScouts, there is a line.  I mean are you going to also encourage your girls to get a dentist patch for the sash? Don’t branch out to cereal.  Stick to cookies.  We all look forward to that time of year, like it’s a holiday, but then you have to leave it alone.  Daaaannnaaaa sent me a link to see John’s new video [John Mayer].  He hadn’t released anything recently and Still Feel Like Your Man is not a great song, but has a funny video.  Big tall white guy dancing around a bunch of short folks?  Sure, I’ll watch it.  heh. My sister had a little Easter Egg Hunt at her place for her kids, and ours (heehee).  Once the Bread started realizing there were fish crackers in the plastic eggs, they stopped looking for other eggs.  Derek would push them down the hallways in a box that slid on the tile and they would just laugh and laugh.  Couple times they stand up, looking like Katniss and Peeta approaching in their chariot while on fire. We went to MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!! Man, I love that place.  The drive down was almost great…bubs got car sick and threw up 1.5 miles away from our exit to the hotel.  My mom came down to stay in the hotel with the Bread, and Cory n Jen went with us to dinner.  Derek made me chocolate chip cookies for my birthday! I had been craving them for weeks, and he had apparently done a few days of research for the best recipe and made super yummy gooey chocolate chip cookies. At the end of the month, McDreamy ran the SLO Half Marathon.  It took longer for us to get out of the event parking, than it did for him to run the race.

MAY

The teething tablets we relied on were no longer being made.  This was shocking and very inconvenient.  While reading a book (for probably the 50th time) I decided once and for all to make a few corrections.  My mom let me borrow her Hoover Carpet Shampooer and the shades of the round kid rug and the hallway rugs all got lighter from the amount of dirt I lifted up.  wow.  Yowza.  The Bread did not like toys too much, they only liked boxes.  Boxes they could climb in, sit in, be pushed around in.  Just boxes.  They colored pictures for me for Mother’s Day, I didn’t see them color but Derek made sure they didn’t eat the crayons, but yes they tried.  I attempted a Keto Diet and hated it.  We watched the entire Frasier Series.  Well, we finished the series in May, we didn’t start and finish in May.  I know you are wondering.  yes we binge watched.

JUNE

Wonder Woman hit the big screen and my sister and I went opening weekend!  we LOVED IT.  Ugh, even if I didn’t like the actor who plays WW (which I do) I would see that movie again just for the first 20 minutes.  Watching Robin Wright as the general of the amazons made me question everything I’m doing in my life.  Why am I not shooting arrows three at a time while flying through the air? – essentially.  I brought my old Kindle back to life.  It was out, like, in a coma.  I had to do several cold boot attempts and charging for X amount of time before I saw life, but it woke up and I downloaded a few books.  I even started reading one.  No, I did not finish it.  Shut up.  Randy-I-am-Your-Biggest-Fan visited and he and his daughter came over for dinner and met the twins, and McDreamy.  Randy said he was excited to come over to eat because of all the pictures he’d seen of Derek’s meals.  We had fitbits and we actually wore them.  My sleep cycle was…beyond awful.  Vinny (Derek’s best friend) got us a diaper genie as a gift, saving all of us.

JULY

John Mayer played at the MidState Fair again! Daaaannnaaa and BrightEyes and I all went together.  I, oddly, do not have a picture of all three of us.  I believe it is on someone elses phone.  I distinctly remember taking pictures with all three of us.  There was a waterfall of sorts behind us! and we had drinks INSIDE of a pineapple, we had tritip burritos and enjoyed John from the 6th row!  awwww, love his music (most of it), and he had a good play list.  Some nice recalls to his first couple albums.  Good times.  I was approved for Term Life Insurance.  I know, I know, that’s a weird one but also not a weird one.  I scratched my cornea and had to reschedule clients for two days and wear an eye patch as I was very sensitive to light.  I basically lay there with my eyes closed for two days bored out of my mind.  My Bridal Shower was Greek Goddess themed and super fun.  Yummy food and lovely ladies.

AUGUST

A colleague became certified for microblading and ran a fantastic special allowing me to get my brows done!  Her name is Bernadette and she owns Brow Ink She quite literally gave me the eyebrows I’ve wanted for 20 years.  Derek and I continued to  be gifted “date nights” by my Maamm, one of which we spent at Vons, buying groceries.  But hey, we were together and didn’t have to worry about babies. ha! We did enjoy family nights as well, like going to All You Can Eat @ Klondike’s Pizza in AG!  Pretty sure Kboy had a pizza coma like his dad afterwards.  Another family day was having breakfast at the Cowgirl Cafe in Nipomo.  Excellent prices for us and enough room so that if the babies dropped food it didn’t end up in someones hair or plate – except ours.  Wonder Woman became available on Amazon and you’re damn right I purchased it.  Watched it every night for about a week.  Well, not the whole thing every night, but The Bread enjoyed it too, rightfully so!

SEPTEMBER

I married McDreamy September 20, 2017.  During the ceremony I admittedly named him the “one who got away” I truly never thought I’d love a man so much.  He and I dated in 2000 for 2 years and broke it off because we were not on the same page for our future(s).  Fifteen years later we met up again and now we are family.  He’s my favorite.  Boyfriend Jenn and her boyfriend Jeff were able to come out from Jersey. All of the Jersey Moffett boys came out!! Watching her boys help with The Bread was cute and fun.  Feeding them and playing with them, so glad they were here.  So thankful.  We stayed at  Sycamore Mineral Springs in what seemed to be something larger than our apartment…  for two nights, and Cambria Pines Lodge for one night.  At Sycamore we had The Bread with us, but my mom watched them when Derek and I wen to Cambria. There is a REALLY good pizza place in Cambria that we already decided we take a daytrip for, and we’d even bring the babies to enjoy it. oooOOOOoooo

OCTOBER

One of the family nights we had was “Moana in the Park” out at Shell Beach.  They played Moana on a big screen.  Couldn’t hear it back where we were though.  And MAN it was crowded there. WOW.  I remember as it began to get dark I feared one of them running into the crowds and we’d lose them.  But, we teamed up 1adult:1baby and took turns running around and watching the movie.  Lgirl likes cheetos. We found this out.  A client of mine gifted us some Hinkle Twins Salsa and it is SOOOOO GOOOODD.  We now buy jars by the case! Derek’s film hit Amazon Prime on Friday October 13th to rave reviews!  It’s…really cool having my husbands movie be on a mainstream thing like Amazon Prime.  hi.  so cool.  We dressed The Bread up for Halloween and went trick-or-treating to 3 places.  First was my sister’s, second was my Maamm’s, and third was my Dad’s.  My dad also gifted me his old car so I could have a commuter car to work, and Derek could have the family car to take the kids to the park n stuff.  I drive a stick shift…well, I try.

NOVEMBER

Stranger Things season II came out, we binge watched, of course, and I found that LGirl looks like the character Eleven. At least, she has some similar facial expressions.  I did side-by-sides on fb to prove it. November holds National Nacho Day and McDreamy did not take light to that.  He made a 9×13 pan of nachos! It’s possible we ate 3/4 of it in one night. I went to Obisidian (a crossfit gym) in Grover Beach and loved it.  If I could afford it I would sign up.  Face The King came out with their new album!!!!  I freaking love their music. UGH.  If you do not know this band yet, I think you should give it shot.  Listen to a few of their songs.  The lead singer’s voice make me melt and the guitar player is freaking amazing.  What else? I landed a pair of solid black LuluRoe leggings!  Those are called “unicorns,” but *I* got one (at the time of writing this I actually have three pairs…)  Derek and I found Mr. Boogedy and Bride of Boogedy on YouTube and we totally watched them.  Thanksgiving was at my Maamm’s place this year.  She made a 20 pound turkey for four adults and two toddlers.  Needless to say: leftovers.  I also auditioned for my first play in 7 years,  I was cast, and at the time it hits the stage it will be 8 years since I’ve performed.

DECEMBER

You guys.  My husband MADE our babies housecoats.  He, with the help of my mother, sewed them housecoats!! I just can’t with him.  He’s so adorable and loving.  Watching him with our babies makes everything worth it. In December we learned Kboy likes to vacuum and LGirl will sit on the chair and watch him clean.  Do I sound like a fortune teller right now? haha.   We watched Big Little Lies on HBOGO.  We had a family day at Brunch On Wheels in Avila Beach.  We drank spiked eggnog in the evenings after The Bread went to sleep.  My dad BBQ’d for my brothers birthday.  My youngest brother turned 25! Another family evening was spent experiencing Cambria Christmas Market.  Where there are….hundreds….of thousands…if not millions of holiday lights up and you get shuttled to the place, and you walk around and look around, and you can buy hot chocolate, or little trinkets n things at different little shops that are opened.  Lgirl would not remain in the stroller.  She wanted out and wanted to hold her daddy’s hand.  But she did great doing that.  Kboy was happy to kickback with his feet up and see the lights exclaiming “woooowwww” or applauding while saying “yaaayyy!!!”  I wish I had video footage of him saying these things.  Hopefully my memory will keep it for me in the years to come.  Justice League came out and was fun, and Psych the Movie came out on USA.  We watched that whole series a couple years ago.  Pretty funny.  We missed those guys.  It was fun seeing them in action again doing their silly things.  Christmas morning was hosted by us this year.  Last few times it’s been at my sister’s place.  Derek made an eggbake in the crockpot which was a win for sure.  I got “gramma ingrid’s christmas morning starter kit” which was a dozen homemade cinnamon rolls that we just had to put in the oven then drizzle her homemade icing over it.  Also came with hot chocolate and spoons that dissolve…like a peppermint spoon.  a white chocolate spoon.  So. Good.  We got our babies a Jump-o-Lene.  It’s like a bounce house, kind of.  It’s round and has sides that come up so they can’t fall out.  Christmas morning they ran out of their rooms and saw it.  Kboy stared first then went “YYYYAAAHHHH” and climbed in and started bouncing.  He was shortly followed by his sister.  They jumped and jumped and jumped.  Then we put it in their room and they jumped with their cousins.  After christmas some people left and the rest of us took naps.  It was not an awful day at all.  Of course, now that I’m writing this I am reminiscing on snacking on rice crispy treats and we are currently doing the Whole30 so…the memories aren’t helping. I haven’t craved anything since we started but now that I’m thinking about treats I want some. boo.

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I used to list what books I read, but this year I didn’t really have time for reading. If I read anything it was an operations manual, a STAR magazine at midnight while everyone was asleep, or unimportant posts on fb.

This life I live now it’s…it’s very different than any other time in my life.  I don’t “make” time for certain things anymore, it’s more like time is running me over with everything that’s going on. I don’t want that to sound like an awful complaint, I mean, I married the man I love, we have twins that are ridiculously adorable and I get to cuddle and smooch ’em whenever I want.  Unless they push me away so they can go jumping.  The apartment has been painted, thanks to my mom for doing 90% of it! We have pictures up on our walls. We have food in our cabinets and fridge.  We have indoor plumbing.  These are all things my mother made sure I appreciated growing up.  I always took it as sarcasm and I’d roll my eyes and go on with my life, but she was right – don’t tell her. heh.  Making sure you appreciate basic necessities is important.  Anytime in my life, since I moved out of my parent’s house in my early twenties, that I have experienced hardship or worry I came back to…I have a roof over my head…I have food…I have clothes on my back…I have indoor plumbing…I have heat.

This life I live now it’s…it’s not something I had ever imagined.  It was not part of my “plan.”  Getting married, having babies, opening a business, working for myself.  I lived in content, but no drive.  I didn’t make goals.  I haven’t made goals in a while.  Goals eventually became place-marks where I would either say “ok, did it, now what” or “welp, I failed, now what” it was the “now what” that made it less and less appealing.

This life I live now it’s…it’s balancing two checkbooks.  Grocery shopping at 10p sometimes, kissing my family …my family… kissing them goodbye as I head out to work, then getting home in time for the last hour of the day before bed time.  Sometimes it’s a long day.  Sometimes it’s a short day.  Sometimes I have the whole day with them.  Sometimes I see them for less than an hour total in the day.  Sometimes I cry about it.  Sometimes I feel trapped in a cycle of get up , go, come back. go to bed – like everyone else sure sure sure, but this …life…i live now…it’s…well.  I’m going to quote a friend of mine I recently got back in contact with.  After playing catch-up he said “wow…what a complicated, modern-day dream story.”

I think you’re right, Aaron.

This life I live now it’s a complicated, modern-day dream story.

And in 2018 I’d like to write more about it.

When I was in my late teens to early twenties I lived with my siblings at my mom’s house.  Up the street was an elementary school, and on weekends the fields were used by the city for kid sports activities and games.  Like T-Ball, or CAPS (Coach Assisted), little league stuff.  When my youngest brother was playing these sports was when my older (and only) sister taught me one of the most important lessons I have ever learned.  A lesson I have often returned to in times of crisis, or heightened emotions, family fights or disagreements.  I return to it when I find myself to prideful, or when I am in the line of fire of someone else’s pride or stubborn self-righteous behavior.  I return to the lesson when my close friends are in crisis or heightened emotions and the like.

Family shows up.

That’s it.  Three words.  Simple.  True.  Important.

My brother had a game, up the street at that school and I was in bed, sleeping in because I had a late rehearsal from a musical I was involved in.  My mom came in and asked me if I was going to Rik’s game, and I mumbled “no” and rolled over and went back to sleep.  She closed the door and I heard her and my sister talk briefly, then my sister came in and asked me, with a firm tone “why aren’t you coming to Rik’s game?” I snapped back that I was tired and had a late running rehearsal last night, and I rolled back over again.  She stood there for a brief moment in silence.  Then she said “how would you feel if none of us went to see your show?” and she closed the door.  I’m guessing she didn’t ask the question to receive an answer.  But I lay there and opened my eyes and considered it.  I considered what it would feel like to look out at the audience during my show and see empty seats where my family was supposed to be seated.

Then I got up.  Washed my face, got dressed and walked up to the school, because family shows up.

When I was old enough,  I moved out of my mothers house, pay rent for my room in SLOville at The Barn, pay my share of electricity bills and water bills and gas bills.  This kind of freedom also meant driving to hang out with my friends.  Whether it was for lunch, down at the bar for karaoke, whatever.  The friends I made in my early twenties I didn’t know would remain in my life almost 20 years later . The few people I kept in contact with after high school have also remained present and that’s over 20 years.  These friends, have helped me move to different cities, different states even.  These friends have bought me groceries when I was low on funds, they’ve put gas in my car between paychecks, they’ve stayed the night if a roommate was out of town so I wouldn’t be alone.  They answer their phones in the middle of the night if I’m stuck on the side of the road. They’ve seen me laugh and cry.  They’ve seen me depressed and struggling.  They’ve seen me excel and they celebrate little and big things with me. They taught me family is not formed only by blood.  They taught me this by showing up when I needed them, not just when it was convenient – and that was another big lesson to learn

Family find the way to put pride on hold when big events happen.  Family shows up during big events and help, not hurt or harm – especially on purpose or out of pride.

I was reminded of this today, after an extremely ugly and difficult day yesterday.  A friend I’ve known since I was 14 reminded me , simply, and I quote “we learn who our real family and friends are when the chips are down, not when things are good.”

It’s so easy to live life during the upswing.  Then someone words something wrong, someone misunderstands, someone takes a stand, someone fights the stance and innocents are hurt as collateral damage.  Lies are told because the truth isn’t accepted as actual truth because then someone would have to take responsibility for being wrong.  Pride, stubbornness, ego, self-righteousness.  I’ve been on both sides of those words.  And every time I was the one being prideful, or righteous – I was the one who was wrong, and I’m thankful I learned that lesson a while ago.  Because I don’t know if I’d listen to that lesson once I’m set in my ways.

My wedding is in 10 days.  My fiance is the stay-at-home parent of our 19m old twins, and I run my own spa as a solo-practitioner.  Instead of eloping in Vegas (which was an option), or getting married at the courthouse (another valid and inexpensive option), we waited and planned and saved money for over a year so that our friends and family would be present and witness how far we’ve come as a family, and celebrate with us.  What I know is that our real friends, and real family will, in fact, show up.

And those who cannot show up physically because of work, mileage etc.,  – distance and obligations are understandable and we know you’d be here if you could.  It’s when you have choice to be here, and choose to not show up that our disappointment sinks in.

I’ve missed putting my thoughts and feelings and experiences here.  It’s been over two years.  I think it’s time to come back.  I think I’m ready to show up here, again.  It won’t be like picking up a paint brush and covering an old picture with something new.  It’s more like something I’ve been staring at and not knowing how to paint it.  What colors or shapes to use and add.  Where is the light source so I can highlight what should be highlighted, and allow shadows to exist without being in darkness.  So, I’ll be here again, soon.  I’ll show up again, soon.