I don’t know anything of poetry, prose or structure. Regarding this, I know only what I see with my physical eyes, my hearts eyes, and my minds eye. They are the unfiltered versions.

Floating

I can’t feel my feet
I can’t feel my legs. The water.
It’s large body and tired waves crashed against my legs
I couldn’t move
I couldn’t swim
I would not drown.

My lungs were filling. Every breath was a thought of
a past memory. Every breath was full and filled, I couldn’t cough.

The water crashed and I was twisted.
I was turned in every direction and could not find
the right way. I couldn’t find
the correct direction.
Would I ever end up in the right place?

The smell of salt.
The taste of salt.
Seemingly clear water.
I began to drift, drift asleep until the water reached higher
and moved me from my attempted
final slumber.

Would he ever know?
Would he ever find me?–floating.
Would he ever think to look?
It was as if he had sent me all his tears from losing me
and just as I almost made it home,
I was washed away by them, in all his tears–
his tears.

I scanned the caps of water only to see
what was left of me–sinking.
I look and saw what I had made,
what I had done and thought the sleep couldn’t come sooner.
I thought of all I had wanted, and
the price I paid to bypass the core to get it.
And wondered if he had coughed or if he could feel his legs.

Just when I had thought to stop thinking – I coughed.

For some reason I’m very much into posting links to songs I’m listening to “right now”. A sort of “nod” to the songs-that-be that somehow say exactly what I mean, when I mean it.

Incidentally, this particular song does not necessarily speak for me at this time, but it’s important at this time.

Listen and read along

I want so badly to write/journal/blog about something other than school or work. The only things I can think of though, are small and insignificant. For example: I have in just the past few days re-acquanited myself with dark eye make-up. It seems in my life I’ve gone through phases where I’ll do the heavy shadow, then not, then do it, then do just liner and mascara, just mascara – and out of pure laziness, I’ll go bare face. I feel better if I have SOMETHING on, but that’s not to say I feel bad if I don’t. I just…feel better IF I do. See that bit there? That’s my logic class coming out. It’s going to haunt me forever now – but NO, I refuse to make this about school. This will be about stupid eyeshadow!! It’s not stupid. It’s wonderful. Tonight I sported black and gold, with my new Nars gloss. YayDay! or Win!

hmmm, that’s all I’ve got – see that wasn’t anything, it’s not even a real paragraph about anything. Remember “Toy Talk,” and my mini blog series? Why can’t a muse visit it me for those? Why can’t I have any ideas, at random or in some kind of order that will allow me to get the excess thoughts from my brain to this page? I think the problem is similar to one I’ve had before…The last time I felt like this I introduced “Nobody Reads This” a series of ten chapters, and I use the word “chapter” loosely, but I wrote in a way that was more honest because I was keeping in mind that it as just for me, that nobody was going to read it. Granted, people read it – but it was freeing. I need that kind of freedom again. I touched upon the ideas again when introducing the new series “To Be Determined” which only houses two chapters currently, and I’d love to dive into a third chapter, but nothing is …coming ..to mind. Nothing terribly exciting. Nothing terribly happy or sad. Just…life. And although my life is not busy, per se, with seeing things of this city, or experiencing what’s “really” out here. I’m busy with work, school and homework. Other than that I go out with Ro once every so often and leave it all behind for a girls outing that I decide I deserve, even though I probably really don’t. (shrug).

Right this second I’m not homesick, but as holidays get closer, I know it will be the hardest Christmas I’ve yet experienced. I know I will ache for my siblings and our family traditions. I know I will miss seeing my friends and their spouses and kids. It hit me hard when I found out I couldn’t get the time off work, then it subsided, and until the realization hits me again, I’m safe.

Safe.

What does that even mean nowadays? Moral safety? Ethically safe? Physically safe? Mentally? Emotionally? There is a person in me I refer to as “the actor in me.” I want to stop doing that. It separates me too much, and I want to be connected – to every piece of me. So, as an actor – that’s safe… I don’t take nearly as many risks as I’d like, or as I should. I’m an excellent observer – that doesn’t make me a good actor. I will sit and try to analyze something and try to make the right choice. Then i’ll make a decision with high expectations, and then get shot down and feel defeated because I made the apparent “wrong” choice. When in fact, it wasn’t right or wrong, it was just “a” choice, and there are stronger choices, weaker choices, hard choices, easy choices, safe choices….

Safe.

Is safe like hiding? Do I choose to separate myself into pieces because it is safe? or because I’m hiding? Is either a stronger choice? Is either a weaker choice?

Over the past few weeks I’ve developed and decided on the personality of someone else in my life. Why would I do that? Why wouldn’t I just learn about that person? Well, it’s because that person is not accessible to me. That person is just out of reach from me, and until that changes I’m left only with the safety of my thoughts and ideas about this person. A big problem in doing something like that is what I think up becomes, in a sense, the reality to me – of this person. The person I’ve created is not real, the person outside my grasp is real – how are they the same person. They’re not. How can I make them be? I can’t. I will continue to hide within the safe confines and boundaries of my little world of work, school and homework, and when the time comes I’ll step outside those boundaries and see what’s really there. Is that the best choice? Is that the right or wrong choice?

Are the choices I make shaped or formed based on what I have decided is safe? Do I cling to this relative safety because it keeps everything out, or because it keeps me in?

Safe.

I feel safe when I’m with my close friends.
I feel safe when I’m with my mother, or father, or siblings.
I feel safe when I’m indoors and it’s pouring rain outdoors.
I feel safe when I wear make up
I feel safe when I’m fully clothed
I feel safe when I walk home in the daylight

When am I safe, but don’t feel safe?

I don’t feel safe when I’m acting.

I have defined acting in so many ways over my life as I’ve learned more about it, learned more about myself, and experienced life more. Acting was a place to become someone else. Tell someone else’s story, other than mine. What happens when the stories cross paths? How am I to not tell my story, and tell the characters story? Acting was a place to tell someone else’s truth. How do I tell their truth, and hide mine. Acting was a place of vulnerability – and up until today, I hid mine. I hid mine, because it felt safe to do so. I hid mine because I was convinced that the character could be vulnerable without me. That if I used the language enough, the point would be made. But the character is human, just like me. The character has strengths, weaknesses and wants to make choices. The character is as complex as any other human being, and the only other question I can now think of is, why would I cheat another person out of getting what they want because I’m not willing to invest in what they have to say? I don’t even give myself the chance to BE safe, BECAUSE I’m hiding.

When am I hiding, but feeling safe?
When am I safe and hiding?
When am I safe, but hiding?
When is it safe to hide?

Someone important to me recently said “This person is counting on you to act, because you are the actress – don’t act, be yourself”

When am I acting but not myself?

When am I myself and not acting?

When is it safe to be myself?
When is it safe to act?
When is it safe to hide myself?
When am I hiding myself for safety?

Safe.
Hide.

I will stop hiding, when I feel safe.

I’ve listened to this song off and on for over a decade. There are moments I still get chills, there is always something in it that stands out a bit more than last time. Some people call it The Speech Song, those people are in my generation. Other people call it the Everybody’s free to wear Sunscreen song – they are not in my generation, and that title doesn’t make sense to me…

Click here to listen to The Speech Song

I am going to be typing for the next 3-5 hours straight…

I successfully registered for classes next semester. I need to do something about getting more financial aid though, I can’t make these payments they somehow decided I needed to pay. I was at such a danger in having to drop out this semester, I won’t be able to do it again like this next semester – something has to give.

Classes I have are
1)Acting II
2) Voice & Speech II
3) Writing (requirement)
4) Intro to Philosophy (elective! win!),
and…
5) a math course. UGH. right???

It’s okay, I tried to choose something I could get into and thus chose: Quantitative Reasoning; Games & Puzzles. (Shrug) It made me think of Papa (my mom’s dad) he was always good at stuff like this, and I’m somehow hoping that my logic class will have helped alter my thought process a bit in order to be open to learning more..uh…stuff. I’ll have to take one more science or math class after this one – I’m hoping I can get through this school thing. I have so much to do.

The class I needed to get into was Elements of Directing. But when I went to register it said I needed to finish some pre-requisites, so my advisor was going to fill out a pre-req waiver for me, then the class filled and I couldn’t get on the wait list because the pre-req thing. Timing wasn’t my friend on this one. The school is trying to open another class of it, there are many of us that need it for our theatre degrees, as it is a pre-req for other higher theatre class requirements. Does that even make sense? SO – IF they add a course for Elements of Directing, I’ll be able to get in by “adding” it, and being a more-than-full-time student. Full time is 15 credits, I’m aiming for 18.

After taking Intro to Philosophy I’m going to decide whether or not I will pick up a Minor in Philosophy. (nods) yep. How cool am I? Actor? Philosopher? hhmmm we ALL shall see.

:::::::::

Right now I just can’t get my head wrapped around what I have left to do. I have ..so..SO much reading and writing to do, and not enough time in which to do it – it kind of scares me. I don’t do scared too well, the uh…sense of “overwhelm” is almost paralyzing, so much so that I procrastinate. Not in the way we all know, not because I just put it off or don’t want to – I DO want to do it all, and finish it! I can’t just…start. There’s…so….much! (le sigh)

::::::::::

I got out of the habit of taking my vitamins, I need to reintroduce them to my daily life. I miss oatmeal and have yearning for salads and I miss my time at the gym. I miss “me” time.

In other news I had some drinkies with Ro last night (yes, I see and understand I could’ve used this time for school work, but I don’t do school work at 2 and 3 am…anymore) and, of course, began speaking with my english/british/something-ish accent. But the best part is, I met an man from Ireland who thought I was from England and when i spoke to him how I really talk he said I could just do the “american accent” well, and to tell him where in England I was from. That was fun and good times.

I had too much caffeine today, it made me shaky. I was so tired that I tried to drink some espresso (I will normally have decaf stuff) and I had a total of four shots of espresso and my insides were shaky and I was running into walls and corners and dropping things all day.

I miss playing my piano. Playing just to play, playing just to sing. I miss it. There is a kind of clarity that I can get it to when I sit at a piano and just play. Granted, I’m not brilliant, I can only play what I know – but I still miss it. I can feel it in my skin and body – the loss. I could breath a bit better sitting in front of the keys. And if I don’t continue to play the songs I’ve written, I’ll lose them. I don’t know how to write out music, so if I don’t play it – I’ll lose it.

I want to watch Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Nik Kershaw is playing on my iTunes. I grew up listening to this guy, Maamm always played him and she would use some of his music for teaching aerobics as well.

I need to renew my CA Esthetician license
I need to get licensed in NY….

I need to sleep. Maybe if I get sleep I’ll be able to focus on reading and writing, and organizing…

Sleep.
Sleep

“This song” are the two words I use most at work lately. Regardless of what song comes on the radio I say those two words and change the meaning simply by changing how I deliver the lines.

This song!
This song?

Tonight, with much excitement I offer you Stereo Love. They lyrics are not great, but the music makes me wanna dance at a club, on a pole, in a cage, in the living room, dance walk on the street comin’ home from the train, or on run on a treadmill (not on the real street now, just…on a treadmill…)

Click here to listen to Stereo Love

Take Care

In acting we study the language in the play. We use the language the playwright has given us to drive the intention of our character. Acting is difficult because you are trying to tell someone else’s truth, instead of your own. An actor wants to make sure everything is present in the character the way everything is present in their everyday life. The character is human, normally, so this should essentially be simple.

I can’t tell you how not simple this is.

When you are in passionate pursuit of intention, you try everything. EVERYTHING. right? That’s a tactic. You’ll reason, yell, push, pull, tease, ignore, whisper, run, challenge…the list can of course go on and on. In the middle of a talk, or argument you know what you want. You want to prove your point, have the other person realize you are right, and sometimes you even want them to structure their apology in one sentence “you’re right – I was wrong.”

The feeling of being right is a force to be reckoned with when you’ve been fighting for it and fighting for it. Is it okay to equally feel elated because they other person has admitted their wrong (that is the correct “their” I want by the way), regardless of what it was?

Why is after we fight and fight to be right, it feels better for someone else to be wrong?

What was in the language that pulled THAT intention out? Instead of proving your truth you proved their false? That doesn’t land logically. If you have the truth does anything else REALLY matter?

What does the language SAY.
What do the words…SAY.

Tonight for no reason I started crying. It wasn’t a laughing cry, or even a sad cry. But there was ache nonetheless. A sense of loss or failure that had quickly made it’s way past my gut and got locked in my throat, choking me up. I didn’t cry long. I’ve learned sometimes our bodies just hold emotions in and we find a way to trap it somewhere, and if you let go even for a minute, it can pour out of you breaking every dam you placed to restrain it. I didn’t try to stop crying, I just – cried and eventually looked around my room and landed on the logic work I was refreshing.

Truth tables, Truth-trees, and Derivations. Midterm on Monday. Funny thing having an acting class followed by five hours of time ending with three hours of logic. One wants me to get out of my head, the other challenges me to mind push-ups.

Both want me to find the truth in the statements being made
Both give me information asking me to derive at something else.
Both have structure and rules.

Could it really be that simple?

The bits of formal logic I’ve been introduced to, tested on, studied and lost sleep over are all simplified versions of statements we make in our every day lives.

This AND That
This OR That
IF this THEN that

No maybe.
No probably.
Only yes, no, or, if-then statements.

Can the answer to my inability to be vulnerable in life, or my acting, reside in simply removing the content – replacing sentences with variables (letters) and cutting out any nonsense, or fillers? If I do that, would I also be willing to stick to the answer I come up with? Will I derive something new that I hadn’t thought of yet?

The simple key phrases my Professor has used in class, and when answering my questions via email, have solidified more than the glance at formal logic he’s introduced me to. They are as such:

1) “Contradictions kill trees”
2) “What do the rules tell me?”
3) “Based on what you have, what ELSE do you know, what else can you DO?”
4) “If it’s Not Invalid – it’s valid” (this does not mean it is sound, this is only about validity)
5) “Everything makes sense in reverse”
6) “You can assume anything, but your assumptions do not reside on your line of certainty”

I’m gonna go ahead and interpret those however I think I can, into what I can use it for – for acting:

1) I cannot be, or stay rooted if I am unsure of what is or is not true. Make the choice. What happens when the opposite is true?
2) Do I have boundaries? What has the playwright given me? What are the Given Circumstances?
3) Based on what you have, what else do you know, what else can you do?
4) Just because it doesn’t make sense, doesn’t mean it won’t work. Try it. Try anything and see what happens.
5) As the actor I know how the play ends, it is my job to tell the story to the audience so they are experiencing the story for the first time. Even though it already makes sense to me, how can I make it make sense to them?
6) Assuming is like anticipating. If you anticipate you aren’t staying present, in the moment.

In addition to this I have statements from other professors that ring constantly in my ear:

“You must have evidence to support your claim”
“Actors are emotional”
“You have to breathe. Everything within you is supported by breath”

Can all of these statements make me a better person? actor? logician? writer? speaker? Is it possible to have five completely different courses intertwine so well to one another that I ask acting questions when I’m writing? I ask logical questions when I’m breathing? Is it possible to have been trying desperately to keep everything separated and organized only to find that if I just throw it all together I’m better off? More…well rounded even? Is it fair to just say “well it IS a liberal arts college?” – because I think there’s more to it than that one.

And if it is better, easier even, to combine everything why haven’t I followed through yet? What am I afraid of? Why can’t analysis, and structure in writing be just as important in logic, and acting. Why have I decided (a terrible word for an actor) that it must be separated in order for me to succeed?

If I combine it all, then I have to accept that which I do not like in addition to what I do like. Now – I see what you see there, that could almost be a contradiction – but it’s not. Because what I like and do not like is content that you cannot see, it is not listed.

Do I have to see content in order for their to be a true contradiction? (is that an oxy moron?) Are there exceptions to any of the rules that will bring me closer to my line of certainty?

The content makes it specific. If I’m not specific, then I will not get what I want. Being vague is not the best of actions.

So:
Be specific.
Don’t contradict yourself
Use good as well as deductive reasoning
Structure is important
The truth is more than important
Stay rooted, or grounded
Make a choice
Sometimes it is best to over simplify
Don’t let the obstacle detour you from what you want

And this part I learned on my own, just for help:
Whiskey helps truth tables
Wine helps truth trees
Derivations are sexy

Is there more? of course
Is there less? of course, but don’t take it
Have I personally derived anything else from the content I have been given? absolutely, and I will continue to test it as well

Do I now know why I was crying? Nope. But I’m under the assumption it has to do with either my breathing, my being detoured from my intention, or my inability to just keep it simple.