My first movement assignment in acting school was assigned the title “Rites of Passage”  We were allowed to choose music and do a movement piece.  No talking no singing no dancing.  This was not dance class, this was movement class.  I chose a piece where I was waking up in a place I didn’t recognize, then I’d move  in slow motion having a good time.  The music changed and I went back to normal pacing.  I’d travel around the room, I’d smile and look at “things” and I’d jump around, what-have-you.   Then I was “hit” by something and I moved in slow motion again.  I came to a realization, then I became scared and sad and went back to normal pacing.  I re-traced my previous steps and found the “door” then found what would give me answers. I can only hope the story I had told made sense to those who watched.  At the end of the movement piece there was a realization:  I had to lay back down in the exact position and wait.  Then I simulated being shocked via defibrillators.

Sometimes it takes some kind of shockwave to wake us up.  We function.  I function.  I do well, for the most part.  And I am priveleged.  I am.  I have a good job and make enough money to have a roof over my head, I have food every day and drinkable water.  I have indoor plumbing–I really enjoy indoor plumbing.  I don’t see myself as an outdoorsy kind of gal.  But sometimes it takes a shock to remind me of everything else.  Things that some people may call small, and others would call a dream.  It’s important to take some of the accomplishments you…I…have  made into consideration in order to realize who I am, where I’ve come from and how far I’ve come, regardless of how anyone else would measure it.  I have made some accomplishments in my life.  It’s time for a shock.

Clear.

I live in New York City. In Manhattan.  I’ve been here for 4 1/2 years.  Where I had been barely scraping by for the first couple of years, this apartment is now in my name.  And I have repainted every single room and cleaned every corner and scrubbed every floor making it a clean and warm home for the others that live with me.

Clear.

My CA state esthetician license does not transfer, so when I moved here I had to take the NY state licensing exam without NY state preparation.  I took the written exam and passed, and I took the practical exam and passed.  I did not have to retake either of these.  This honors the teachers I had while in school, in addition to my personal want to succeed in this industry.  During my time in school I had to take a 60-day leave of absence.  During this time friends at home allowed me to practice what I knew (mistakes and learning curves along the way).  During this time I studied on my own.  During this time I drank a lot of booze with my friend.  We called it the Summer of Imbibe, because during this time I was also separated from my then-husband and preparing to return to school while going thru a divorce.

Clear.

I survived a divorce. Granted we didn’t have many years together, or any major assets but I did love this guy and told him I’d be with him for a long time.  And after realizing we never built a solid foundation, we never discussed big things like kids and money and how to spend it.  We didn’t do a lot of growing together.  We liked each other, loved each other, got married, realized it wasn’t going to work out because we wanted different things and we wanted them in different ways. So we split up.  And I was almost done with esthetician school in October 2008.  I stayed in my car and at a classmates house for a few days before graduating on November 4, 2008.  I clocked out for the last time, accruing the necessary 600 hours to pass the course and completing all the services I was supposed to complete, then got in my car that was packed full of everything I had left and drove 6 1/2 hours home to the Central Coast.  I survived it

Clear.

I graduated from a vigorous intense 2-year acting program. I was in attendance from 2005-2007.   I lost friends while attending because they didn’t think I was giving them enough time and attention during their life-altering pieces of life.  I didn’t see my family and they lived less than 15 miles away–I even lived with my sister and rarely saw her.  There are some people in my life that like to make light of my time at PCPA.  That it’s something they were accepted in to and didn’t agree with because acting “wasn’t about learning to be still like a tree and trying to ground myself like a tree.”  They quit the program.  There are some that were courted to audition and attend, and they didn’t.  There are some that I was surprised to learn had attended the program.  I too was “found,” and encouraged to audition for the program.  Over 1,000 people auditioned the year I did and they accepted 28.  During my two years there 2 or 3 students were released from the program or left for personal reasons leaving 25ish of us to graduate together and I’ll tell you this: only those people will ever really know what I went through.  No matter what school you went to, no matter if you went to the same school as I did at different times.  My experience will never be the same as some one else’s.  And…I learned, after time, to weigh the validity of this program on my own and to not listen to what others had to say.  I learned stillness and silences are earned when you’re on a stage and quite frankly if you can’t get grounded you’ll never really learn to earn that stillness and those silences.  Earlier this year I said something on fb about being better than some people thought or knew, because they’ve never seen me really work, and a professor from that time responded to me that I was better than *I* thought.  And I was extremely humbled.

Clear.

I lived in Burbank, CA for a year and a half.  I juggled 2 jobs one of which was a 45-mile commute in one direction.  My main reason to be there was to pursue TV/Film and Print Modeling.  I had a manager.  I had an agent.  I went on many, many auditions.  I was called back many times.  I booked sometimes.  Although this subject is touchy for me, and it’s been a decade since my time there…a decade…I need to recognize that I went and juggled all of this in my twenties.  It was my first time away from my friends and family.  Although I had a couple friends near by, it did feel like a huge risk.  Leaving my comfort zone, my safe zone in pursuit of something that many deem as “crazy” was important.  Still is.

Clear.

Clear.

Quiet.

Murmur.  Pulse.  Steady.

Steady.

Breathing.

Functioning.

Focusing.

Remembering.

Clear.

I have loved.  I love still.  I have experienced heart ache.  I have experienced pure joy and enormous laughter with my friends and siblings and my mommie and my dadda and my aunties and uncles and cousins and now with my nephews and soon with my niece.

Clear.

I’ve been drinking more water, not just because I can but because I should.  I’ve been eating better food, not just because I can but because I should.  I’ve been seeking out ways to exercise that connect me to my body without me trying to use my brain to convince myself to get moving–I found kickboxing and go about twice a week.  Soon I will need to introduce something like Yoga or Pilates because of my back problems.  My back is not broken, but I have received a semi-wake-up call on the structure and strength of my body that I must address, and so I shall because I can and I should.

Clear.

Breathing.

Pulse.

Rest.

Prepare.

Go.