I’d like to buy a vowel?

Why Why Why!!!!!! The wind and the rain. And oddly enough, you’d think with these so called “problems” I’d be a happy camper. Plantboy and I were IMing last night forever it seemed like. It’s just difficult sometimes. I think I want more, but then I don’t, then I do, then I don’t, then I do. “Vicious Cycle” It’s wanting something to work, but knowing it wouldn’t and still wanting to try. And even after you’ve decided you want to try…do they? Am I even making sense??? I guess boys are confusing but maybe sometimes so am I, so I can’t blame them. Like, we, as girls, want to write the script for the boys in our life so they will say the right thing (hi jax…say the right thing, pull the right string) but all that does is drive them away. So I chose not to attempt to change ANYONE. Either I accept what is before me, or I discard it. I can only be responsible for ME. It’s like needing to get rid of the negative stuff in your own world you know? If it’s not working, fix only what YOU are capable of fixing; then let someone else take the wheel. Man I’m starting to confuse myself. It would probably be easier if I just said EXACTLY what was on my mind, but ….I don’t think I can because I don’t think I can put it in words (like kaza and the lion king the other night kazakahn) And just what, yesterday 2 days ago I was confessing to all that I missed sticker-boy (B.E and Seanah). And I do, I do. But can I miss someone else too? Yes I can. Can I want something more than what I have, yes I can. Can figure this out without getting a headache? Apparently not. And why somehow do I eventually feel “ashamed” for lack of better phrasing of who I am or what I want. Is there a rule book I don’t have, was there a memo I missed? “The answer is out there Neo” that’s what I’m waiting for. I’m waiting for the relationship Trinity to tell me what to do. I’m waiting for the Morpheus of relationships to offer me different color pills. But alas, I feel I’m really waiting for Guffman – who never ends up showing up and all I’m left with was eagerness during the wait, and the disappointment after waiting. I don’t know what to do. Advice is appreciated. So are pick me up cards, emails, money and gift certificates to further indulge some retail therapy. This is wierd to write out, it makes much more sense in my brain. This is what, I believe, it inevitablly comes down to. ….the boys I like, never actually end up liking me more than a blink of the eye. Maybe this is not a bad thing. Maybe I’m supposed to wander about right now and explore and see what’s out there. Maybe I’m suposed to, but i don’t want to – this is the problem.

Paging Dr. Fix-It, Dr. Fix-It she’s waiting for you in room 17
(Sally, please report to me…..kaza and roger rabbit totally get that, but i don’t know who else will)

I will leave you with this: “Good afternoon we’re gonna have a great jump today. Ok, crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall. There’s a screaming turn at the bottom so watch out. Remember Rip it roll it and punch it!!!

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on November 13, 2003, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. “Now that one is a little tougher”
    I would like you to know that your friend Seanah loves you desperatly and wishes that she had your man problems…well not really, but wishes that men would be even half as interested in her as they are with you…even if it is just for the blink of an eye!
    See you in a few hours!

  2. The Answer is Out There, Neo.
    I liked the last Matrix movie. It all comes down to Belief and Choice.
    You can miss more than one person. You can want anything at all and not be ashamed of it. Believe in yourself and choose what you want to have. Who you are is fundamentally good. The things you want come from you, and are good too. Sometimes the way people try and get the things they want is bad, but that is because they are misguided and listen to their fears instead of their beliefs. Fear is Anti-Belief. Belief is concrete, Fear is vague. If you build up structures of belief, fear has no room to grow….but where belief isn’t, fear starts to take up residence.
    Don’t be afraid of Fear.
    You know, deep inside, what makes you happy. Believe in that. Strive for that. Don’t let the world tell you any differently. You aren’t a consumer drone, or a wage slave, or a cog in the machine.
    Smile. Childhood innocence and mischeviousness isn’t just for children.
    Boys are fun, but they have cooties. So do girls. What you don’t learn until later are that cooties are fun too.

  3. its like she’s trying to comunitcate with me I swear!

    • I WAS GONNA SAY THAT!
      ok, so kev beat me to it…”listen! you’re really cute!..but…)
      oh mahsweeroommah~
      remember “no one thing defines you” and that includes silly boys and their feelings. “remember who you are”…be…look within to find the answers to what it is YOU want…not who wants you. i’m struggling with that out here on the east coast. don’t have anyone to turn to (in a tangible sort of way) to play with/distract me from my woes/bounce myself off of ~ and it’s teaching me to really define myself by myself.
      the grass is always greener ~ as we’ve established by silly cliches that only exist because they’re true ~ and maybe mr. 2-vowel is on your mind a lot BECAUSE of the fact that he’s in transition with his life. it’s a challenge for you! and challenges are intriguing. only you can tell if your feelings go beyond the point of simply overcoming a challenge. like what i went through with eebee ~ was it about wanting to win or really wanting to be with him. i had to sit with that for a long time but eventually my feelings revealed themselves. of course it didn’t turn out quite like i had hoped but i found out what my heart was really telling me.
      remember that quote on our bathroom mirror? “when up against a wall, put down roots like a tree until clarity comes to see over that wall.” be still in your heart ~ you’ll see clearly!

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