its like breaking up

I actually have alot to say, but can’t figure out how to make my thoughts form into words, or sentences that wouldn’t look like gibberish. And if I just write ;ldfjaseio – you will all think I’m excited, after all that is the PROPER way to write out that feeling. But I’m not excited. I’m confused, and kinda happy, and thankful, and sad. I know I know you’re probably WAY over the “I’m happy and sad” phase of aiyani. But it’s more than that. And it’s not over yet. I cry for no reason, except everything. I cry because I think I’m too fat, then I cry because I’m so negative about myself. Then I stop crying because I know it’s stupid, then I cry again because it’s ok too. I cry because I’m jealous, and angry,and sad, and then I cry because I’m crying for dumb reasons and not being appreciative of all my friends and family who are being so supportive. But ALL OF THAT IS NOT THE POINT. And hard as it is, I don’t even know what the point is.

I’ve finally settled into this room at my dadda’s house. Gas is $2.33 at it’s cheapest, I haven’t started looking for a job YET…..Monday is the day. I’m almost out of money from my last check in Arcadia – they still want me to go back and train the new girl. THEY HAD A MONTH, why didn’t they hire someone right away? stupid. I want to join a gym, and right now of course can’t – I can’t just run because it hurts my knee and ankles. I can’t find my pilates tapes, my other exercise tapes are in storage – SOMEWHERE IN THERE, and I thought they were in the box I brought with me. wah wah wah. I know. Jason asked how I felt about taking Ro’s place in the Fashion Show because she is in the Shakespeare Festival again this year, and I flat out said no, i’m too big. And he just said we’ll talk about it later.

Plantboy apologized to me the other night for not handling “me” they way he should’ve. Our “situation” was very interesting and slightly complicated. But I appreciated that he said it, it actually meant more to me than I think he figured it would.

Mentor ignored me for almost 2 months, then finally came around but as if everything was ok – and it wasn’t. So he apologized for dropping the ball and is trying to get back to our friendship. But sometimes when he talks to me he sounds like he’s a machine just trying to say the right thing.

Husband is fine in Utah, got his DMV stuff figured out and parents got him another car.

Kaza was on letterman the other night, if you missed it I taped it – no not with that TeVo thing….on a good old fashioned VCR. “thank you waht-a-lee-acha” complete with choreography. But this is all just bla bla bla isn’t it?

I can be the person you remember, the problem is I don’t know if it would be real or not. And then I find myself not necessarily preaching but giving this advise that I dont’ even follow. Why do I do that? I guess THAT part doesn’t matter, what matters is in a later conversation someone quoted back to me what I had said, and I started to cry – it’s like that cry when you break up with someone, but didn’t want to. Because you know its for the best in the long run, but it just hurts right now. The quote I used, and the quote he reminded me of:

“I wish there was something I could say or do to make you understand you can do whatever you want”

I guess i’m just trying to say to everyone. I’m just having a hard time finding ground zero for myself. That I don’t feel complete, or incomplete. And I’m sorry if I’m not socialable, or I seem to ignore you. This transission is not easy for me, I have alot going on upstairs. I guess I can just say be patient, and just let me go through it. Don’t try to fix it for me, don’t tell me it will be ok – all this stuff i know, it’s getting past it that is like a journey barefoot on glass. I just have to go slow, concentrate, ….and hold my stomach in.

I shall leave you with lyrics to the song I’ve been listening to NON STOP.

I’m not a perfect person, theres many things I wish I didnt’ do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know – I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new…..and the reason is you.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 15, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Lost.
    I can sympathize with the feeling of lost.
    A year ago i had two jobs, plenty of money, a fiance’ a family, and i wasnt worried, about a thing.
    Now, i have one job which is barely paying for anything, and if i had to deal with rent, or feeding myself everyday, well, I’d probablly be living in my car and thriving on Ramen, jail style, (hot water in the bag since i wouldnt have a stove).
    I finally got around to being me when i started being active with the show last year, it wasnt complete, but it was a part of me that i had lost somewhere, alot of things i had changed into other things due to reponsibilities i imposed upon myself. I didnt know where to go and what to do, and i didnt have a map back to me, i’m still searching, but i know im closer, i recognize things about me again.
    I wish i had a map to Aiyani to give ya.
    I do, and if you find one with me on it, let me know K?

  2. I really hope that you reconsider doing Sapphire Moon because we need you. Seriously. And hello, thank you workouts and motivation.
    The tape of Kaza would be perfect for right before a group viewing of “A Chorus Line.” That will need to happen soon. Maybe I can arrange it for tonight…

    • *gasp*
      a group viewing of *a chorus line*!?! jealous!
      “god! i hope i get it…i hope i get it!”
      at least i’ll be there in spirit and in video form!

  3. Just a thought…
    “you will be who you want to be…you…can do whatever heaven grants…” No matter who you are or what you are, or where or when…WHATEVER…you are always the Yani we love, because you are you…
    I have news….

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