Rolling on sharp edges

Step-Brandon made it so I have intrenetty access in my room. yay…..and now….It’s all just rolling into one long day. I stay up WAY too late, and get to sleep in. My last 2 checks from Arcadia are dwindling fast, and I’ll have to find a job. Needless to say I KNEW this would happen, but it’s been nice just lazying about for a week. Though moping has become a normal part of my day I know I constantly find myself saying “i’m a loser” And though not 1 person has called me that and every SINGLE one of my friends has been nothing but supportive and tell me how much they missed me, and how glad they are I’m home – I still don’t feel at home. But Blurbank wasn’t home either. And no, I don’t know if NY will be home! The truth is I’m more lost here, then I was there. Yes my financial situation is CRAP, thats a work in progress. My weight is a work-out in progress, and other than that it’s just the same old SLOville. It’s the same when I went away, and when I’d come to visit – the only difference is more housing for all those rich people who want to retire here or buy their college kid a house.

I don’t know if I came back more negative or just not as blind. And I don’t know if when I left I was blind and now I can see. All I know is I don’t know where I belong or what I’m supposed to do – and that ITSELF is depressing.

I ran into an old friend the other day. Aaron. And all that did was remind me of how he’s doing so great and I’m not. It reminded me that in High School I was nervous around him, and that I still am to this day. It reminded me that I’m still very unbalanced, uneasy, and even the slightest glimpse backwards or forwards sends an uncomfortable shock wave through this body of mine. It reminded me that I’m just a girl. Just another girl who came home. That I still have these feelings of tension, sadness, and excitement. I began to remember who I was before I moved. And I couldn’t tell if I liked that feeling or not. But when someone that makes you nervous and giddy and happy all at the same time looks you dead in the eye and stands but 6 inches from your face and just says…..”it’s such a shame that you think so negatively of yourself. you are so talented, and beautiful – you should never say that you are a loser”……….you just….well, I just…..stop. I stopped and wanted so badly to take it back. I wanted so badly to tell him how much that meant to me. And in all the efforts of my friends and family, THAT ONE I actually heard. So thank you Aaron, and thank you to every single one of you who has tried to make me feel better about everything that has happened in the last 15 months. You do count, and so do your words – even if I dont’ listen, I hear you. I do, its just like I’m rolling but I have the edges that don’t make the ride a smooth one.

I’m just remembering to breathe every second of everyday that I’m awake. I know it all happens for a reason, and a part of me says let it happen, or let it be, and the other says – nothing will happen if you don’t MAKE it happen. But right now, regardless if it’s for the better or for the worse, my eyes make me see differently. And I don’t know how to take it all in – as if life was all black, white and shades of grey before. Not only am I seeing colors, but they are enriched with life and light and it just blinds me but I don’t want to close my eyes – I know I’ll mess up again if I do.

And I will leave you with this song that I wrote:

Don’t Hide Away

He waits in the warmth of his own shadow.
It’s dark and cold but still better than their eyes.
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here.

Inside his head a fight, what to say – what’s been said
Already he’s defeating his self worth
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here, these walls are safe – the walls your mind makes.

He waits behind a face and a smile.
Not lost, but gone-till all is undone.
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here, these walls are safe – the walls your mind makes.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 13, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. It’s so true…
    That sometimes you don’t feel at home…at home. But you ALWAYS belong there…no matter what. You will find where you belong someday, and when you do it is a great feeling, and everything will fall into place…
    Sometimes, it’s not the place, it’s the people, maybe that’s it.
    But NEVER EVER EVER!!!!!!! Tell me you’re a loser, cause i willtake you to the floor and tickle you senseless! We all feel like that sometimes, hell, I feel it really often now-a-days, but I never really believe it….there in lies the problem. Just don’t believe it and you can say it as often as you want.
    I love you VERY much, and I will see you soon!

  2. “it’s such a shame that you think so negatively of yourself. you are so talented, and beautiful – you should never say that you are a loser”..
    He’s right. I know i have a low opinion of myself and its hard for me to get over certain things…. but i try not to let that get me down, it might not change how i feel about myself untill im successfull a few times in a row. But hey, i know i sucked when i first started karaoking, and now i think im fairly decent… i know life is more than a karaoke bar.

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