I don’t know – what do you want to know?  My happy thoughts? My sad thoughts? Life in general is one day at a time and as much as that can be motivating one week – it isn’t the next so what do you even want to know? Who even reads this? Who actually has sat down and read my quick entries and the Long winded entries, like 4 of you?  It’s not like I’m scolding anyone or am taking any acusatory position but at the same time, why do I even write it out here?

Like most people out there, even if I have a “good” life the negative and the sadness echo more often than the positive. My thoughts are mostly a negative perception of myself and it won’t change no matter who tells me I’m beautiful, I’m talented, I’m all these things that supposedly make me unique and I light up the room but you know what?  I f*cking sport a green apron 20+ hours a week for $7/hour……….  I used to say things like

“the total room and tax for all days for your group will be $6,837.18 in it’s entirety.  I will need a check of at least half the cost received within the next 2 weeks or your block will be released to regular inventory.  After I’ve recieved the check you will be faxed a receipt that it has been posted to your account securing your rooms until the day of arrival.  the rest of the room and tax will be due upon arrival, upon departure will unfortunately not be acceptable even though you will be paying all incidental charges for your guests.  An incidental check may be signed by you at the front desk if it is company issued blank and we receive authorization prior to your arrival.  Failure to comply with these directions will be a disregard to the contract you signed and the original check sent to secure your block will not be issued back.”

only I said it nicer.

now??? I say “what size do you want?

Where? How? What? huh? Why? Did I..? Could I?  When did…? And it goes from there. Truth is I’m not happy with myself – and I go in and out of being motivated to change that. And I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because………..because:

My weight – dont’ tell me I look fine for my heighth.
My wages
My vocabulary
My abilities.
My communication skills….they are dimming
Kaza, for not going to skarieokie or to Relay to visit – like I thought she would.
Plantboy for not telling me certain things sooner
PG for not hanging out with me, she was a big convincer on moving back – and I’ve seen her twice.  Once closing night of Angry Housewives, and last week when she and Kaza and I hung out at Firestone.
Michael for going in and out of drama.  It’s not bad, it’s just not necessary – I’m sure I don’t help. But I’ve lost patience trying to explain myself to anyone. It’s the back and forth I can’t stand, and I won’t do it.
My weight – I only wear elastic – don’t tell me I’m “healthy.”
My hair
My attitude
I haven’t met John – but I don’t want to meet him fat anyways right?
I live here and feel like all it did was make me rewind.  Forget that regroup crap – I moved, failed, and had to crawl back.  I hate it. I want to move somewhere where NO ONE knows me, sometimes.  And maryland keeps coming to mind – it won’t leave me alone.  I don’t know anything about Maryland. Nothing. not ONE thing  that would make me want to go.  There and Chicago. Don’t know why – but they some how call to me.
I’m not as smart as I could be
I’m not adventurous
My weight – i don’t fit in any cute clothes and no amount of compliments will fix that.  don’t tell me I’m “real” and that people like that.  Directors and producers apparently don’t
My weight – I have to be fit or fatTER, only ppl as tiny as rene zelweiger or bigger than cameron manheim get jobs. 
*I* haven’t gone to skarieokie in a week and half.  This past tuesday though – my excuse IS valid.  I had to learn to open and had been awak since 4:27am.  No deals.

I’m disappointed because I think I’m going to fail my heart.  I think all my life I’ve only wanted so much to perform and make enough money to live wonderfully and comfortably and take care of my mommie and my family. 

“don’t get distraced”
“stay with it”
“regroup”
“it’s ok”
“focus”

Yah – because saying all THAT will work.  I’m not even mad, this is not venting – this is just exposing my brain and my emotions and trying to get all these thoughts out so I can sleep, so I can rest – so tomorrow when it IS just a new day I can take with a clean slate. I stopped by mommies house today after sporting the green apron – no one was home, which was good.  I played my piano.  It felt great. I sang my songs, that felt better, I started playing around with new sounds new melodies, and it felt like I was accomplishing something.  I’ve decided I do want to play, I want to play for my friends, for my family. And yah – I’m just a skarieokie junkie – and putting myself out there makes me vulnerable but maybe that’s what I should do.  I’m not great – I’ll tell you that right now, and if  I could I’d record my stuff and give you all copies and really try this – but……………I don’t know, what holds me back.  I haven’ t figured out why situations have put me right back where I was, as if I’d never left.  But apart of me is willing to try to figure it out and let it all happen the way it’s supposed to, and the other part demands answers and reasons.  That part remains upset, depressed, disappointed and somehow – threatened.  Threatened by all my classmates that I never want to see again – that they are doing better than me.  it IS a competition and I dont’ know if I’m in the race or not or if I’m brave enough to try.  Threatened by those who would attempt to ruin me and what i’ve become because of what they conjure in their own mind.  Threatened by looking back and holding back. 

Where is forward from here.  I’m not, at this moment – depressed or angry, i’m ……..lost. I’m not worried or resentful – yet. I’m just………here, wondering.  here pondering.  Like in a chess game – which I’m not that great at btw…trying to figure out the next move in order to succeed the ultimate goal…..what will i have to give up next in order to get where I want to be.  I’m in my cacoon waiting to figure out when it will be my turn to fly.  I’m a small child.

I’m the one waiting, and i’m losing my patience.  It’s difficult when you are told your too fat for leading lady or this print job, and it’s harder yet when they say you’re too pretty to be a character actor. 

So what are my choices?

ps. someone today left me a message.  he told me he was thinking of me, and he can’t stop thinking of me and he still loves me.  that a part of him still hopes there will be something between us.  His name is Casey.  I met him about 2 years ago and I wouldn’t even say we were dating….I’d say we hung out sometimes and he went to the grocery store with me once.  Kaza knows him – some of you may know him or recognize him from the bar. (sunset that is) BUT – it was random and odd and just something ELSE that was on my mind.

goodnight neverland.

Kevin? I WILL see you saturday at the dunes. anyone else?

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on August 19, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Yeah…
    I think of crawling home all the time…I moved to NYC to do something, know what I’ve done???? Worked at Olive Garden and met Pete….one good thing….out of how many failed things?????
    I don’t audition, i have a shit job, and I’m VERY unhappy with everything that is me sometimes….I pester Pete, and sometimes I think it’s enough to drive him away….but how can I be anything except what I am?
    I’m fat, but talented, I’m pretty….but not conventional enough for a real job…I’m here to audition, but can’t get out of the Olive Garden long enough to do it….I hate my life, but I love it all at the same time…
    Sound familiar?

  2. I for one…
    Read your postings pretty much all the time. And not just for the brief respite from purgatory!
    I wish I could wave my magic wand and *poof!* happy life for you. Unfortunately, I had to take the dang thing to the repair shop. (People frown on it when you turn their loved ones to toads. Long story.) They’ve had to order replacement parts from Neverland and you KNOW how long that takes.
    I wish I had zen like words of advice I could impart upon you and cause you to instantly find inner peace, but my last fortune cookie said, “Hardship abounds.” (Obviously disgruntled fortune cookie worker.)
    So in lieu, I’ll say this. No matter how important your job, how much money you make, where you live or how much you weigh…the key to true happiness is finding a rich husband, preferably in the industry, who will allow you to quit your job, live in splendor, have a personal trainer and fulfill your dreams. (Damn! I messed that one up too! Okay…now I’M depressed.)

  3. i read you
    life can feel pointless when it isn’t
    everything you do has an impact
    you define yourself
    maybe you should spend more time hanging out with yourself in a less judgemental manner
    i’m wondering if you shouldn’t jump in your car and drive away
    just go
    don’t tell anyone and just go
    and when you get there
    just sit
    and listen, and think about all the resources you own, all the talents you were born with and have acquired, all the skills that you’ve sweeted for
    then think about people you admire and aspire to be, and see where your skills and talents lie in relation to those things
    maybe you aren’t destined to be madonna – ‘could you be satisfied to be debbie allen or maybe paula abdul
    so go away, even if it’s into your own head and then come back, cause i’d like you to come back, cause you’re cool and fun and you light up the room with your charm and charisma whenever you’re around
    thanks for making me kick
    i’d like to climb bishops peak with you, and get you all dirty and show you neat things and make you talk about real things with me and not allow you to quote one line from one movie for half an hour
    i’d like to see you learn to haiku and i’d like to watch you build something and i’d like to see you sing something you wrote
    i’m your friend, though one you are less comfortable with… gimme a call sometime and we’ll inspire each other to motion – even if its as little as playing soul caliber or as much as hiking madonna – cause you can, if you want

  4. I guess I’m number 4, one of those who reads your journal, because you always have something interesting or thought provoking to say, and it’s like I can actually hear you speaking because of your writing style. Zac has that same kind of style. I love it.
    As for fatness and stuff, I know it’s retarded. I just joined a community called , where women encourage each other about their bodies. It’s kinda cool, maybe you should check it out if you want.
    It is f$%^*@ frustrating to be in the position you’re in. I hope you find your sane spot and the job you want and deserve so that there’s some calmness in your soul.
    I can’t be at The Dunes because I’m going out of town. For the next two weeks. I may be able to squeeze in a trip down there the first weekend in September. Either way, I’ll send you good thoughts. It was fun playing Boggle with you at Relay.

    • Duh…
      I didn’t know how to do a community tag, but apparently it’s much easier than I thought. What I meant to say was:
      I just joined a community called , where women encourage each other about their bodies.
      So there you go. Sorry.

  5. I’ll dance with u romy

  6. It’s always darkest before dawn….
    It’s far easier to be upset/depressed about where you are in life than to be optimistic about where you want to go….and in this you must be very careful. At the risk of sounding like Yoda….once you start down this path forever will it dominate your destiny….After being emotionally stomped on for like the 3rd time in a year and half I spent 2 years……2 whole years cooped up in my bedroom…..I came out to go to work….go to the bathroom….and to get food from the fridge…thats it!….it took me a while to regain my composure..or whatever you want to call it but eventually I began to “go out” and do things with friends and such….My house mates were so worried about me that they were all on a “suicide watch”…I didn’t find this out till much much later…I’m not saying that my life is now a bowl of cherries….but it’s liveable….(is that a word?) …anyway, You have some really lofty goals for yourself…and I have no doubt that you WILL reach them….however you must remember….when you reach for the sky it’s a lot further away than it looks…I’m not saying give up …..but be paitent…YOU WILL GET THERE…..in the mean time work on some of the smaller things that you can fix….you mentioned being fat 4 or 5 times….sounds like that might be bothering you just a bit ..if you can’t goto the gym….goto the beach and just walk or jog…swimming is a super fat burning exercise….and by the way……your dad runs a martial arts school….thats one hell of a workout and if I recall there’s tons and tons of discipline that you might benefit from…..You hate your job ……well most people do….so start looking for something else…something you might enjoy a little more….or just something that pays better…but always remember this one thing……..ever forward…..ever as in forever….forward as in not looking back….not dwelling on the past….not letting anything or anyone slow you down….not stopping until you get to where you are going….or at least until you find a comfortable place to rest. To quote David Allen Coe…..If you’re big star bound let me warn you it’s a long hard ride…..AC/DC…..It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll…….
    in short
    I love you
    I believe in you
    I know you were meant for greater things
    I know you will make all your dreams come true…..
    Ever Forward……

  7. Ummmmm…
    I for one think your hair is wonderfully thick and lusterous and smells divine, and what else could a girl want? I would be honored to accompany you to skareoke on Sat… and just remember :(avoiding sappy “hang in there” platitude) If all else failsjust tell everyone you invented post-its. If it counts for anything you’re one of the coolest people I know…..and you can wiggle your nose…..and you can make me laugh…..and you introduced metothe tokyo tea…..and you know what intransigent means….and you will call me very very soon 🙂
    -Ro

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