Aiyani Mersai

I don’t know – what do you want to know?  My happy thoughts? My sad thoughts? Life in general is one day at a time and as much as that can be motivating one week – it isn’t the next so what do you even want to know? Who even reads this? Who actually has sat down and read my quick entries and the Long winded entries, like 4 of you?  It’s not like I’m scolding anyone or am taking any acusatory position but at the same time, why do I even write it out here?

Like most people out there, even if I have a “good” life the negative and the sadness echo more often than the positive. My thoughts are mostly a negative perception of myself and it won’t change no matter who tells me I’m beautiful, I’m talented, I’m all these things that supposedly make me unique and I light up the room but you know what?  I f*cking sport a green apron 20+ hours a week for $7/hour……….  I used to say things like

“the total room and tax for all days for your group will be $6,837.18 in it’s entirety.  I will need a check of at least half the cost received within the next 2 weeks or your block will be released to regular inventory.  After I’ve recieved the check you will be faxed a receipt that it has been posted to your account securing your rooms until the day of arrival.  the rest of the room and tax will be due upon arrival, upon departure will unfortunately not be acceptable even though you will be paying all incidental charges for your guests.  An incidental check may be signed by you at the front desk if it is company issued blank and we receive authorization prior to your arrival.  Failure to comply with these directions will be a disregard to the contract you signed and the original check sent to secure your block will not be issued back.”

only I said it nicer.

now??? I say “what size do you want?

Where? How? What? huh? Why? Did I..? Could I?  When did…? And it goes from there. Truth is I’m not happy with myself – and I go in and out of being motivated to change that. And I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because………..because:

My weight – dont’ tell me I look fine for my heighth.
My wages
My vocabulary
My abilities.
My communication skills….they are dimming
Kaza, for not going to skarieokie or to Relay to visit – like I thought she would.
Plantboy for not telling me certain things sooner
PG for not hanging out with me, she was a big convincer on moving back – and I’ve seen her twice.  Once closing night of Angry Housewives, and last week when she and Kaza and I hung out at Firestone.
Michael for going in and out of drama.  It’s not bad, it’s just not necessary – I’m sure I don’t help. But I’ve lost patience trying to explain myself to anyone. It’s the back and forth I can’t stand, and I won’t do it.
My weight – I only wear elastic – don’t tell me I’m “healthy.”
My hair
My attitude
I haven’t met John – but I don’t want to meet him fat anyways right?
I live here and feel like all it did was make me rewind.  Forget that regroup crap – I moved, failed, and had to crawl back.  I hate it. I want to move somewhere where NO ONE knows me, sometimes.  And maryland keeps coming to mind – it won’t leave me alone.  I don’t know anything about Maryland. Nothing. not ONE thing  that would make me want to go.  There and Chicago. Don’t know why – but they some how call to me.
I’m not as smart as I could be
I’m not adventurous
My weight – i don’t fit in any cute clothes and no amount of compliments will fix that.  don’t tell me I’m “real” and that people like that.  Directors and producers apparently don’t
My weight – I have to be fit or fatTER, only ppl as tiny as rene zelweiger or bigger than cameron manheim get jobs. 
*I* haven’t gone to skarieokie in a week and half.  This past tuesday though – my excuse IS valid.  I had to learn to open and had been awak since 4:27am.  No deals.

I’m disappointed because I think I’m going to fail my heart.  I think all my life I’ve only wanted so much to perform and make enough money to live wonderfully and comfortably and take care of my mommie and my family. 

“don’t get distraced”
“stay with it”
“regroup”
“it’s ok”
“focus”

Yah – because saying all THAT will work.  I’m not even mad, this is not venting – this is just exposing my brain and my emotions and trying to get all these thoughts out so I can sleep, so I can rest – so tomorrow when it IS just a new day I can take with a clean slate. I stopped by mommies house today after sporting the green apron – no one was home, which was good.  I played my piano.  It felt great. I sang my songs, that felt better, I started playing around with new sounds new melodies, and it felt like I was accomplishing something.  I’ve decided I do want to play, I want to play for my friends, for my family. And yah – I’m just a skarieokie junkie – and putting myself out there makes me vulnerable but maybe that’s what I should do.  I’m not great – I’ll tell you that right now, and if  I could I’d record my stuff and give you all copies and really try this – but……………I don’t know, what holds me back.  I haven’ t figured out why situations have put me right back where I was, as if I’d never left.  But apart of me is willing to try to figure it out and let it all happen the way it’s supposed to, and the other part demands answers and reasons.  That part remains upset, depressed, disappointed and somehow – threatened.  Threatened by all my classmates that I never want to see again – that they are doing better than me.  it IS a competition and I dont’ know if I’m in the race or not or if I’m brave enough to try.  Threatened by those who would attempt to ruin me and what i’ve become because of what they conjure in their own mind.  Threatened by looking back and holding back. 

Where is forward from here.  I’m not, at this moment – depressed or angry, i’m ……..lost. I’m not worried or resentful – yet. I’m just………here, wondering.  here pondering.  Like in a chess game – which I’m not that great at btw…trying to figure out the next move in order to succeed the ultimate goal…..what will i have to give up next in order to get where I want to be.  I’m in my cacoon waiting to figure out when it will be my turn to fly.  I’m a small child.

I’m the one waiting, and i’m losing my patience.  It’s difficult when you are told your too fat for leading lady or this print job, and it’s harder yet when they say you’re too pretty to be a character actor. 

So what are my choices?

ps. someone today left me a message.  he told me he was thinking of me, and he can’t stop thinking of me and he still loves me.  that a part of him still hopes there will be something between us.  His name is Casey.  I met him about 2 years ago and I wouldn’t even say we were dating….I’d say we hung out sometimes and he went to the grocery store with me once.  Kaza knows him – some of you may know him or recognize him from the bar. (sunset that is) BUT – it was random and odd and just something ELSE that was on my mind.

goodnight neverland.

Kevin? I WILL see you saturday at the dunes. anyone else?