You know that feeling after you get something off your chest?  And you know that feeling that you dont’ know what’s bothering you but when you think of it, you hope to get it off your chest too.

that just sort of happened right now.

so there i was going on about nothing.  we were IMing eachother, haven’t spoken to him in a while.  told him about NY and needing to do laundry to pack and needing to finish the scrapbook for my dad.  I then told him i found pictures of my first karate tournament and my last one.  then he asked me how it made me feel and I said sad, good, fat all kinds of things.

SIDENOTE:
looking at these pics I thought THEN i was fat??? no, no at 14 i was not fat, i actually had one chin and you could see my cheekbones.  granted i had no 6pack but I could see my stomach to my feet damnit! hahahaha

Then he says “she always says that about herself” and i was like “who’s ‘she'” and he said “kaye”

SIDENOTE:
Kaye is the girl he’s been seeing……was seeing?……after I moved away from la la land and i’m sure it was love at first sight and that’s fine and he’s going to visit her in Florida around ……….soon – around soon. And that’s great and fine too.  I mean apart of me of COURSE was a lil hurt when I found out about her, but hello??? I have my michael?  so really it’s not THAT big of a deal.  I know how I was around him, I know what I was for him, I know Im’ a good friend (well maybe not anymore……..) but I couldnt’ actually in all fairness be JEALOUS of this girl (kaye) so that wasn’t it…….but something in that little sentence of his had my FLYING off the handle and being the week it is………the i need chocolate, no salt, i hate you i love you, my boobs are sore, my back is sore, i hate you i love you week my immediate response i’m sure was not something to be desired, but at the same time quite true, and i’m sure i would feel this way any other week – just may not have approached it the way I did

I went right for the kill.  Instead of saying “all girls think they’re fat” like i “normally” would i said something along the lines of:

lets get one thing straight, there is not one ounce of me that cares what this girl thinks of herself.  i’m sure she’s never even been a double digit and i’m sure she can see past her stomach and see her feet (where as i……………yah thanks) She’s never experienced things the way I have (that meaning, they trying on and buying of clothes and problems finding something nice that isn’t over priced or ugly or whatever – you remember my post about clothes THAT’s what I was thinking)

SIDENOTE:
lets remember how I feel normally, how I talk normally ‘are you saying i’m fat’ how i feel about skipper and barbies, and she IS one. and i’m sure she’s great…….great for him to him whatever – but she’s not MY friend and i’m kinda the girl that he gave notice too for convinience……..at least thats how I see it now

his response to that, before I could type anymore was “goodnight” and he signed off.  BAM!

I laughed a bit.  did i offend him SO much.  did i hurt HIM SOOO much??? wah wah wah.  so i didn’t want to hear about his little girlfriend thinking she’s fat.  EVERY GIRL THINKS she’s fat and I guess I just offended him by going off.

No, i’m not sorry – I don’t think I should have to be.  Maybe I’ll apologize for the WAY i responded but not for what I said, somethings you just mean……..even if they are mean or sound mean.

A part of me kinda feels betrayed by him in a way and maybe that’s also a reason why I reacted the way I did – i guess we’ll leave that all up to the therapist someday. but for now, I don’t feel remorse, and it was nice not to walk on eggshells for him, as so many a time I felt I had to.

ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT NOTE THAN A SIDE
I’ m not ready for NY.  I have to do laundry, I hvae to finsih some projects having NOTHING to do with NY and I have to pack and I have to get to LAX and oops my friend jeanene has to work.  Plan b and c……..calling bobby or …….something else.

but for now – i’m hungry and even though it is 12:12 and I have much to do tomorrow, food an dthen sleep in that order shall make me a semi-happy camper.