Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.

I just read in Kaza’s journal something about not doing something for someone else or to prove myself to anyone and the first thing I said was “yes I am” in regards to this horrible feeling of jealousy that was brought to my attention this evening.  I feel like all my life I’ve wanted NOTHING more than to perform.  To be in film and on television and I feel like EVERY step I’ve taken has assisted me to get this far but as much as I think of my goals my returning fears are always, ….while I’m on “MY journey” I’ll run into people I don’t like, that didn’t like me, AND they’ll make fun of me for not being where or who I want to be.  Which is why I go in and out of being okay working at the green apron.  I feel like by NOW I should have invitations for the golden globes and grammy’s and oscars and everything.  And further more feel like I was closer when I lived in la la land but have since pushed it away to “regroup” as I”ve been told.  Then I think again…..I can’t go to my ten year reunion 1) HUGE…weighing a metric ton (at least that’s how I feel 2) NOT successful in all MY dreams, but somehow more importantly I DO want to prove myself to everyone I ever knew.  I DO want them to go “Oh My God….Aiyani Mersai is on the cover of People magazine for being up for 2 oscars this year” and have them want my autograph and their picture taken with me. …then I realize that’s fame and fortune.  And somewhere between finding myself, and chasing my dreams I lost the love of the art itself.  YES I want to make enough money to succeed in what I LOVE to do which is perform.  YES I still want to be in movies NO I don’t want to see people I “used” to know because a part of me breaks and feels like a failure everytime that happens, I lose the dream when I close my eyes.  I lose the goal when I get up in the morning. 

I need to change something.  I KNOW I want to start working out with Bear, I KNOW if I stick to somethign I WILL succeed but why do I have to feel mortified and embarrassed before I do so???

I just want to succeed in what I love and not have to feel so crappy about everything that’s happened so far, or that hasn’t happened yet. 

Theres a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.

I find myself driven and only for the moment when someone I knew THEN is making it happen NOW.  I find myself jealous when someone I DON”T KNOW is accepting awards and I’m not in the same room. 

It’s a horrible feeling finding yourself between… all this time I have infront of me, and all the time I’ve lost, and all the time that is wasted looking to and fro.

Do you think if I ask God for a map he’d give me one?

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on February 14, 2005, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. RE: Map from God
    Kodak Theatre – Oscars
    More seriously!
    You have the map. You can see it when you sleep, you just need to remind yourself before you fall asleep to remember the map when you wake.
    Happy V-Day
    Sweat Pea

  2. I understand completely how you feel. I KNOW you are taking steps towards your goals, and progress will come, just mabye not as quickly as you want it to….and thanks for scaring the shit outta me with this whole 10-year reunion thing!! And remember: we wen’t to school with morons in big-ditch, CA! Feel better!

  3. i’ll dance with you, romy

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