I just read in Kaza’s journal something about not doing something for someone else or to prove myself to anyone and the first thing I said was “yes I am” in regards to this horrible feeling of jealousy that was brought to my attention this evening.  I feel like all my life I’ve wanted NOTHING more than to perform.  To be in film and on television and I feel like EVERY step I’ve taken has assisted me to get this far but as much as I think of my goals my returning fears are always, ….while I’m on “MY journey” I’ll run into people I don’t like, that didn’t like me, AND they’ll make fun of me for not being where or who I want to be.  Which is why I go in and out of being okay working at the green apron.  I feel like by NOW I should have invitations for the golden globes and grammy’s and oscars and everything.  And further more feel like I was closer when I lived in la la land but have since pushed it away to “regroup” as I”ve been told.  Then I think again…..I can’t go to my ten year reunion 1) HUGE…weighing a metric ton (at least that’s how I feel 2) NOT successful in all MY dreams, but somehow more importantly I DO want to prove myself to everyone I ever knew.  I DO want them to go “Oh My God….Aiyani Mersai is on the cover of People magazine for being up for 2 oscars this year” and have them want my autograph and their picture taken with me. …then I realize that’s fame and fortune.  And somewhere between finding myself, and chasing my dreams I lost the love of the art itself.  YES I want to make enough money to succeed in what I LOVE to do which is perform.  YES I still want to be in movies NO I don’t want to see people I “used” to know because a part of me breaks and feels like a failure everytime that happens, I lose the dream when I close my eyes.  I lose the goal when I get up in the morning. 

I need to change something.  I KNOW I want to start working out with Bear, I KNOW if I stick to somethign I WILL succeed but why do I have to feel mortified and embarrassed before I do so???

I just want to succeed in what I love and not have to feel so crappy about everything that’s happened so far, or that hasn’t happened yet. 

Theres a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.

I find myself driven and only for the moment when someone I knew THEN is making it happen NOW.  I find myself jealous when someone I DON”T KNOW is accepting awards and I’m not in the same room. 

It’s a horrible feeling finding yourself between… all this time I have infront of me, and all the time I’ve lost, and all the time that is wasted looking to and fro.

Do you think if I ask God for a map he’d give me one?