Tuesday March 8, 2005 was my first session with a personal trainer – and I totally puked. LOL.  He said it could be one of two things, 1) that I was really pushing myself which was good, or 2) I’m REALLY out of shape.  I laughed, I said “Bear it could be BOTH AND probably what I ate and WHEN I ate it as well may play a big part in this.  Oh well !!! I got it out of my system and then we went back in for more.  Oh the joys of working out. 

Today March 9, 2005 I successfully went to MY gym PBAC to do Cardio.  The goal is to meet with Bear 2 times a week, and do Cardio 3 times a week when I’m not with him.  I can handle this – remind me this is good, encourage me to keep it up and DON’T tell me I look like I’m losing weight because I won’t look like it for at least a couple months or so. 

He weighed me, took measurements and did some clampy thing to my skin to figure out what percentage of bodyfat I am, I don’t think I was ready to hear it but I know I needed to.  And for the first time in my life, I am in the “poor health” category.  NEVER been there. EVER.  always hit “medium healthy” you know….like – I COULD do to lose pounds but I AM healthy the way I am.  I wasn’t really ready for that part.  I was really quiet on the phone when he told me that part and he was like “hello?,…what are you thinking” and I just said – I’m excited and depressed at the same time.  He said be excited because now you know, and from here it can only get better, and you will never be this way again.  …….ps – I feel like I’m making him sound like a jerk for the way he was talking to me, he’s NOT a jerk AT ALL.  He was excellent on tuesday never leaving my side and really helping me push myself he’s doing his job and being professional and a friend at the same time.  He IS encouraging me and I AM looking forward to more workouts with him….needless to say I’m not looking forward to puking again, but hey – at least when it’s done …it’s done.  The tummy doesn’t linger in anguish as if I was drunk or ill.  that’s good!

I meet with him tomorrow again.

On an entirely different subject:
I had an audition monday the 7th for an episodic role on a  TV show and got the part.  One day of rehearsal, one day of shooting – and yes I’m getting paid, yes I have to give a cut to my agent and my manager.  Kaza and my mom flipped out and were probably more excited about it than I was….but I AM excited I just dont’ know what to feel yet.  I want to read the script – can’t wait for the read through, gotta miss work at the tax company but ….SO don’t care!  lol…that’s mean. sorry.  I supposedly get to wear a FANTASTIC ballgown, and I get to tap dance. yay! If I’m correct this “part” will make me AFTRA and is a good step to becomeing SAG Eligible/SAG. ….if I’m incorrect, it will still be good on my resume.

I’ll be using the money towards more training with Bear.  I thought for a little bit aboutusing it to record my music so I have it – but I can do that whenever, I dont’ want to waste anymore time being uncomfortable in my skin or looking at my stomach wondering if anyone else thinks I look 7 months pregnant.  I want to be healthy, I want to be fit and I need to do this in order to be successful in the career path I’ve chosen. 

So, I guess this is all happening the way it is for a reason – and I’m ok with that, I’m really good with that. 

Goodnight Neverland, may tomorrow bring me another chance at defying gravity