Nobody Reads This, Chapter Four
You always want what you can’t have.
Really? Or we say that to make up for the fact that we. . .that I can never just be happy or content with what I have or who I am. And I have to blame it on someone because God forbid I take responsibility for any of my actions without naming and accomplice. Sometimes I can just sit in our apartment for HOURS alone and quiet and think of nothing accept what I could or should be doing, but I don’t or won’t do it. It’s always my choice, something that only recently was again revealed to me by reading someone else’s blog. Thanks Amy and Joel. I have a choice to sit here and write, or sit here and knit or sit here and watch TV, or I can go to the gym, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen and dust this ever shrinking living room. We have too much stuff and we won’t bother with the idea of getting rid of it.
I lie awake at night restless and unable to make myself go to sleep. I think of everything and nothing simulatneously, I’m a multi-tasker for sure. . . What I find is that I’m always thinking of the past, or the future. I’m never in the moment other telling myself to stop thinking about stuff and fall asleep. The heater doesn’t work, and the mere fact the he can fall asleep in less than 3 minutes irritates me enough to think some more. I sleep in when I don’t have to wake up or be anywhere ( anywhere is work, I don’t have a life other than that) which inevitably means that I will be awake til 2 or 3am easy before I invite a yawn and realize again I haven’t accomplished much since moving. I depress myself that way, on purpose I think, and then of course I lay in bed thinking how many other things I do on purpose to make myself have a reason to complain or hate something or be envious of someone or long for some fire in my life.
I took some workshops lately, fine whatever am I a better person? nope, don’t think so – if anything I’ve reverted to my less patient self again and have completely given up on the teens today and am horrified that when they are 28, in 10-15 years, they will be in a better place than I am because their mommie and daddy helped them, because they were the most beautiful in school and because they had way more lucky breaks than I do – which would only mean they need to get one. Am I a better actor? I’m probably just the same as I was in May when i graduated, only now I have to learn to decipher between screen acting and theatre acting, size matters. Am I a better auditioner? apparently I always come off too strong and too confident – since when did these things become bad????
I’ve had my own run of being the loner and being teased at school and being awkward as I try to make sense of the new 8 inches I grew 3 months in junior high. I’ve had my own run in with the popular girls and boys that know my name but won’t give me the time of day, the boys that make fun of me for taking karate, the girls that don’t know why I want to dance if I’m 2 times their size, I’ve had people tell me I have too bushy of eyebrows and a mustache and that I look pregnant because of my stomach fat, all the way up to working at Starbucks and going to PCPA and having to deal with those old school “friends” that come in and say “oooohhh, so you work here now?” in such a way that makes me want to yell at them everything mean I’ve ever wanted to say and remind them I’m in SCHOOL….but I’m in school with teens and early 20 year olds that I have little to nothing in common with. I’ve had my time being called the boring one, the square and I’ve surprised everyone by wearing the stupid red vinal dress with boots and running the ticket booth for Rocky. I’ve been so drunk I’ve fallen off chairs while dancing and all my co-workers from The Cliffs in 1999 saw my underwear and I cried because my underwear didn’t match my dress. Then all the handsome young men I work with treat me like an idiot the rest of the night, talking to me very slowly – I remember everything about that night right down to who I made out with on the The Cliffs. No one would have made fun of me THEN, they would’ve been JEALOUS. (shruggs) but it “only counts” if someone sees you, and if “only counts” if the person you made out with you had the hotts for and he ultimately had the hots for you, we were just very good friends and still are. I’ve had people tell me how sexy I am, and how fat I am. I’ve been told I’m cold and inconsiderate, as I’ve been told I am the most caring person they’ve ever met. I’ve had my share of “you’re dating him???” and yes and no is my answer, like I need to answer to THAT jerkoff! and I’ve had people even question my feelings for Cleveland. Why, when Kaza met him and we’d been dating for only a few weeks she asked me if this was “love out of convenience ” because my sister was getting married, and kaza was getting married so that must have meant that in order to fit in, I needed to find a guy to marry. I’ve had my share of people disappointing me and someone left me. ME, I was PERFECT – you know when you’re 18 and in love, everything is perfect and he left me and it was the best thing he could have done because I was denying all the other girls, the drugs and the lies because I WANTED him to be perfect. I’ve had my share of an abusive relationship, both verbal and physical and again it something that you try to fix because you want it to be perfect.
And after being the person that drinks regularly, does karaoke regularly, smokes when she drinks, does the mon-fri 8am – 5pm job pays rent and bills and has had more miserable relationships with boys than great – I am apparently “too strong and too confident” WELL I GUESS I KNOW HOW TO ACT JACKASSES.
I need to learn to be more vulnerable. WTF. Screw that, you know what happens when people get vulnerable they feel sorry for themselves and others feel sorry for them in support. But here I stand saying I can do it, I can be vulnerable, it just takes the right person for me to show it too. “oh aiyani why don’t you put down your shields” …OH go to hell, its not about shields, it doesn’t even have to be about protecting myself from “being hurt again” those moments are WHY i am so strong NOW. Its never about playing the ‘i’ve been hurt before “card EVER. i think that is the ultimate cop out in just not making a decision. You say because you want someone, or multiple someone’s to feel sorry for you, and sometimes it even works. And you know what? I know, I do know that you don’t want to be hurt again but that’s stuff YOU have to deal with. YOU have to learn to trust people, no one is going to go out their way to make you feel comfortable unless they are going to get something out of it. Even if it is a small praise “thank you for understanding” awwww, how cute – you understand. Get a life.
I AM VULNERABLE. So I don’t CHOOSE to share it with you, that’s MY decision. calm down. I want you to know how I feel, but really – I just don’t care to share it with you. Its not that “its not the right time” or ” i don’t want to ruin the mood” its because I don’t like talking about MY business with YOU. But at the same time, I want to be rescued. Now isn’t that something. I come off too strong, too confident, unwilling to be vulnerable and sensitive and yet I want the knight in shining armor to come and literally sweep my heavy self off my feet and take care of me. What I dont’ want is for him to have to struggle to lift me, ask me about all my relationships and goals and life experiences, and I don’t want him to leave me at home to save someone else, even though I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. i CAN do it alone, i don’t WANT to do it alone.
Where are the men? Where are the women? Where are all those people who said they’d be here for you. They are available at my fingertips via text message or email, and sometimes even by phone. But there is always this distance problem. the people I want to reach out to, that I do in fact reach out to are miles and MILES AND MILES away. I can’t just drive a few blocks to antoan’s house to vent, visit, and hang out. Can’t see my sister whenever I want, can’t see caitlin or Miss Elzon or Anna Ashford. I can’t see, nor have I seen in YEARS Riley Jones (Mr. Stevers) whom I actually turn to in the middle of the night for guidance and clear views, he is definately someone I wish was closer. I have one friend in this area, Mentor. And that’s good. He’s responsible, and caring and a very real friend (yes as oppose to those very “fake” friends, you know the kind) but he works endlessly and has to travel a lot, so we don’t see each other very often. Even escaping to Kitten’s house for a few hours and a couple cups of coffee is rejuvinating but it doesn’t last long. And seanah said I can call her anytime after 8pm when the caper goes to sleep and I can have all of her attention and we can have wine and talk. That’s nice, that’s all very very nice.
I’ve been trying to lose weight for years. and what for? For a guy? no, he’s fine with how I look and I hate it. For my family? no, they love me just as I am. For my career? well – I SHOULD since more than once i’ve been told I’m “too pretty to be a character actor, and too big to be a leading lady” so I decide that THAT is why I have to lose weight. And I always start a new nutrition and exercise regime, and it never lasts because I’m aiming for something I’ve never seen.
HELLO, did you see that – I’m aiming for something I have never seen. Well that’s new isn’t it. I want this, I want that because I see it somewhere else but now I want it ON me. I’ve always been “plus size” and I hate it, I hate myself for it every day. EVERY DAY. And that’s really what this all comes down to. I am too strong and confident because if I make people believe that my weight doesn’t matter to ME, than maybe it won’t matter to them. This theory has only worked once so far, in my limited testing. I called him “the experiment.” And while living in Burbank, CA with Antoan I actually met him at Sunset Dunes. and he was one of the most attractive beautiful men I’d ever seen in my life. All physical, we didn’t have anything in common for reals but I never once said anything about my weight, or my pudge, or my rolls and he never said anything. He loved everything about my body, that’s the best I’ve ever felt about myself. Can’t get back to that place though, because it doesn’t feel real. He was so manly in that rugged, work with my hands by day, and have no body fat pure muscle sort of way. B.E. and Nahnnah helped coin him the “sticker boy” cause that was something he did on the side for extra money, make stickers.
It all will workout, she said – my mother every time I call her. And she, thus far, has always been right. I trust her, she knows everything about me. I can’t say that for many others including my beloved husband. But there’s things he just doesn’t want to know, as there are things about his life I would also rather not know about. And there have been gents that come into my life and make their mark and I either love it, or regret it, or yearn for it again. Right down to those knights at Medieval Times. Its my happiest place on earth. Its my escape from this world, from my life and for a few hours I scream, eat, and tell a strange man I love him so he’ll throw me a flower or blow me a kiss because its THAT kind of RUSH that doesn’t exist anymore. Im’ not sure it ever has. Its the kind of place you go to when you imagine something happening a certain way. Like meeting a celebrity and what you’d say, what they’d say back and how your relationship grows from there. It’s like disappearing from your 8-5pm and the only queen is you and your are worshiped and you don’t have to clean, pay bills or go to the gym. You are perfect just as you are.
I can have curly or straight hair if I want
I have a roof over my head, indoor plumbing, and food in my fridge.
I have clothes on my back
I have a flexible job that *I* chose to keep, and they are completely supportive of my acting
I have friends that are just a phone call, a text message or an email away
I have a wonderful loving family
I have a drama free life, mostly. 😉
I have a car for transportation, even though gas is now $3.59
I have a husband
I have a best friend
I have my christmas tree decorated and presents to wrap
I have a place to sleep, blankets to keep me warm
I also have:
makeup to cover my face up and make it appear that I didn’t cry all night
a cluttered living space, because we have too much crap
fear of not getting enough money to pay rent next month
family that i don’t get to see
friends I can’t see
goals that seem unattainable
and why is that after knowing the things I have, the experiences I’ve had with people all my life growing up, the trophies from karate, the dance competition ribbons, the theatre resume, the schooling, the bricks I can break, the advise I can give, the home life…….why can’t I just be content and or happy with it?
When i dream lately its always exciting, and then I wake up
When I go to work I dread it, but at least no ex classmates come in to make me feel worthless
when I talk to antoan it IS like he’s really sitting next to me
when i go to the gym I feel better about myself
What could I possibly want or need that I don’t already have?
I want the fairy tale. I want to rub it in to all those who ever made me feel miserable. i want them to go to the movies and see how wonderful I look and to think that if they were nicer and cooler to me, maybe we’d be friends and it’d be them in the spotlight with me as my friends going to fantastic parties. I want to literally be swept off my feet and carried by my knight in shining armor. I want to be debt free!, I want free gas and a large estate with a castle built with really tall doors. I want to take care of my mommie and get her a quaint cottage with a jacuzzi and personal massage therapist at her beck and call. I want a toned flat stomach and fantastic arms.
The only thing for me is, its something I’ve never seen before. Like my body, lean and tone – never seen it, so i don’t know that it exists. Maybe seeing is believing. How can I make myself see it? How can I get there? It will take discipline and motivation, but do I have that? with all my “strength and confidence” do I have what it takes to fight for my goals? My career goals, my weight goals, my living goals? I’m not content and happy because I chose to not accept where I am as being such, so if I want to change it. . . what does it begin with .
And if you are not content and or happy with where you are, what are the choices you can make to begin changing it to your ultimate place of happiness.
Be wise and healthy my friends, enjoy what you have now even if you are trying for more. More of ANYTHING. I know we’re supposed to enjoy life, that its a ride but if I don’t like this particular crazy roller coaster can I switch rides? Do I even have to stay at this park? Does life come with a hopper pass, or should I shuttle over to another place? And at the end of the day, my feet will hurt, I will still have to find my car and drive home, go to sleep, and wake up so I can tryout the other rides to find the one that I love. Will my family and friends support my decision to keep looking at rides and roller coasters? probably. Will cleveland hop on? I’m not sure, we love each other but for sure we have different views about things sometimes. I think some rides I have to go on alone to form an opinion about all by myself, other times we may need more than two to balance it out, hopefully if that happens our family and friends will be along for the ride, instead of strangers that are bitter from standing in line too long, on the other hand bitter strangers are normally the ones that make me appreciate my life right where it is.
Its give and take
nothing is certain accept change
and sometimes you really can just shrug it off
seeing may be believing
the grass doesn’t have to be greener, it may just be that there IS grass and I didn’t have it before
the glass isn’t half empty or full, nor does it matter what’s in it, what matters is – do i have to drink it?
which ride are you on? do you like it, or do you want off
are you wearing good walking shoes today for your adventure
do you chose the rides that you only sit in, safely buckled or do your feet dangle, do you go upside down and which do you inevitably prefer
whatever you choose, make sure you know it is just that – a choice.