My World right now is about. . . what

Cleveland works part time at the Krocs Center with their Technical Department. Sometimes that means mixing a show (balancing out the music with the mics for the audience to hear), sometimes that means sound playback/playback operator (when you hear sound effects in a play, the person who hits the button so you can hear them is called the playback operator, sometimes he’ll work with lights, sometimes he just has the pull the curtain up. either way he makes more money than I do doing something he likes.

Other than the Kroc Center he works at PetCo part time. He works on register, and does some stocking while sporting a cute red apron (aren’t we holiday esque, he sporting the red apron, and me sporting the green apron), and when he’s not at either of those places he goes to school at San Diego State University.

He hated it most of this semester but finally finished it with goals in mind, and better grades than he thought he’d get. I’m proud of him. He has very long days and never has a day off, never.

And then there’s me. I still sport the green apron for $8.80 an hour plus measly tips. Yesterday I was literally yelled at by a guy when I gave him his “grande vanilla latte” and he yelled that he wanted a venti, that he had “specifically asked for a 16oz vanilla latte and we always give him the grande instead of the venti and we always have to remake it” now, I don’t recognize this guy so he must be going to other green aprons. I let him yell and then I slightly raise my voice and say “sir 16 oz IS the grande, VENTI is 20 oz.” then there was silence and i said “I can still remake it for you, but in the future you’re going to want to say VENTI vanilla latte, not 16 oz.” I didn’t say anything to him anymore after that, not even when he was laughing at himself and telling me all the other times it happened no one ever told him he was ordering it wrong. I guess in some way it was his way of apologizing, but I didn’t respond and didn’t look at him and the only other time i spoke to him was when I said “that’s yours”. Yesterday I was also told how unpleasant I was being when I couldn’t answer these ladies questions because they picked up someone elses drink that was left behind. They kept asking me who’s drink it was, from their 10 they ordered, and I kept telling them I haven’t finished the ones they ordered. Then they started telling me how rude I was and that it wasn’t their fault they got confused, of which I responded with “I didn’t say it was your fault, I only said I don’t know what drink it is because the cup is not marked, all I know is its not one that Ryo gave to me” (Ryo, the guy at the register). They were just mean, and I know I can get sarcastic, but I promise I was more confused with why they were getting on my case. The high point of my day sporting yesterday was when i introduced the chai egg nog latte to a couple ladies, they thought I was the most wonderful barista they’d ever met. Sigh. THAT was my HIGH POINT????!!!!!!

My sleep pattern has been terrible because I work anywhere from 4am – 11:30pm any day of the week. And if I have to work at 4am, that means I have to be up by 3:20am at the latest and if I’m not tired til 1am…..I just stay awake. The other day I was awake for 27 hours before I got home from work and a total of 31 hours before I actually fell asleep. So THIS is my life. I Sport The Green Apron. THAT’s IT. I’m not going on any auditions, it’s difficult during the holidays, which really means I won’t be auditioning for anything til turn of the year AND if I DO audition its for theatre in San Diego OR I can drive my ass 2 hours north to a 30 second audition in la la land. Sigh. So I’ ve decided I have to not audition for a while. We don’t have the money for gas for me to drive to la la land all the time, and I have to – as always – get in shape. And by “for a while” I mean this may be until we move again in 1 1/2 – 2 years. til we’re closer to where *I* need to be to do what *I* want to do with my life.

This also means I should get a better paying job. I fear returning to the Hotel World, but its the only other job I’ve had. Yes there was the bartending, but I don’t remember how to make drinks anymore, and every one wants “experienced” bartenders, not “bartenders we’ll have to train”

What I’ve accepted. I am Plus Size. I hate the phrase, HATE IT, but that’s what my measurements tell me. I’m not obese, I DO have fat I can lose, but my measurements are proportionate, so going to the gym and working out needs to be for my health, regardless of my size, not to try to look like Jennifer Garner – who is my height. Not to look like Cameron Diaz, who is my height, or to look like any other actress or entertainer who stands at 5’9″. I need to go so I can live longer, I need to go so I don’t give my body a reason to succumb to any diseases, or cancers regardless how big or small. I need to go because *I* want to, not because my agent, or my manager tells me too. I need to go to reach my own goals, not the goals of Hollywood.

Its hard for me to accept this, but its also going to help me think and focus on me and my ultimate goals. Also since I don’t have any friends here (accept Mentor, whom I see when we have time) I should take this time to get myself in gear, instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself or complaining I”m fat, when I have time to go to the gym. I feel better when I’m there, and I feel better about myself when I go – so why don’t I JUST GO. That’s the kind of thinking I have to have. It has to feel like I’m doing it for me, not for someone else – the mistake I’ve been making for 10 years.

So here’s to an early resolution. I will eat what I want, understanding the pro’s and cons of these actions. I will go to the gym, also understanding the pro’s and con’s and I will do it because I damn well please, not because of the threat that I am not marketable as I am.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on December 5, 2007, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. been thinkin bout you…
    read your last entry, yep the whole shibang, didn’t know what to say but felt compelled to comment here.
    I have very similar issues as you. I am working a 9-5 and trying to be motivated to persue acting. As with the whole body image thing, yes I can resoundingly echo some of your sentiments. perhaps it’s because I’m larger than you, and I’m not “too pretty to be a character” i don’t feel the exact same pressures as you, but I do feel I need to be in the best shape i can for my size. I accepted a long time ago that I would NEVER weight 125 lbs but that doesn’t mean I should not be flexible, have stamina or take pride in my appearance.
    I’m not sure if you are like everyone else and are your hardest critic, or if you have put on a few pounds and feel guilty but I feel like you are too hard on your self. we all have goals and many, many of us fail to reach them exactly when we want, and sometimes some goals are just not atainable you have to decide where your focuses are and whether or not you can acheive what you want or you are giving yourself a reason to beat up on yourself.
    If all you are doing is working, I suggest getting into a dance class, or a community show or do some theater, it will make you feel better. I am doing a crappy little community show, and as much as I grip about it, I have to cherish it because it is all I have right now. In Feb, that is another pressure in its self, I feel all unworthy and crap but that is a journal entry in the making…
    anyways wrote novel here and I’m not even sure i wrote anything I wanted to say, but if you feel like chatting you can always email or message me!

  2. I say GO YOU for accepting the beautiful self that you are RIGHT NOW, because living in the now is the best gift you can give yourself. I really have had to learn that.
    The more I beat myself up over not being as thin as I wanted, the farther I am from my goals.
    I hope you are a movie star soon. Remember the little people.

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