I think I’ll go listen to Sarah

I don’t know how to put myself in check.

I don’t discipline myself NEARLY as much as I used to. When I think of how I made it through elementary school and junior high going to karate 2-3 times a week and dance 2-3 times a week and doing my homework and eating what mommie and dadda told me to. . . I miss it.

Even when I think of PCPA, which is not very often by the way (I often think of Anna Ashford, Miss Elzon, and Andrew but that’s about it) I think of when Stephanie Courtney told me I was “fierce” I walked the halls differently. I walked the halls understanding how I could tap into my place of discipline and also be humble and learn from those around me. . . I slightly miss that too.

I tend to sit at home, or work at the green apron…….and that’s it. I clean the house a bit, I read a bit but that’s it. We’ve finally unpacked everything and it took packing up christmas stuff to get everything else done, and pictures hung and boxes all emptied. And now its january, almost the end of January and…..

well maybe I miss home. I miss being able to see my mommie whenever I want, I miss living with my sister a bit because it was always so much fun hanging out with her and telling eachother stories about work or school. I miss going to Dadda’s house for an impromptu BBQ. I miss coffee time with the trio, I miss visiting with Kitten.

I don’t have any friends here. That’s a small lie, Mentor lives about 30-40 minutes away and we see eachother when we can, which will become less now that he has to be in santa monica or brea for work during the week and will only be home in sand diego 2 days a week. Lisa (Double T’s cousin) has been waiting to hang out and now I’ll be able to, so that’s nice.

I didn’t go the gym for 2 months, also a lie – I believe I went 3 times in 2 months. But I started up again this week and I feel good about my eating choices and exercise choices I just wish I could come home, call up a friend and have lunch or something.

I find myself ……..what? Always checking my friends pages, their livejournals, their myspace – trying to stay in the game, trying to keep a sense of friendship with those I never see and I don’t know if its good enough.

OOOOOOO. That’s helpful, I’m trying to be good enough. Interesting. Its great out just typing it out gets me somewhere sometimes. Even though I’ve already deleted pieces of this several times, it still helps the thought process.

am I good enough? Good enough to keep me as a friend, as a wife as a whatever?. does anyone out there even bother with my thoughts and words, are my thoughts and words good enough? And why does it matter I guess if its good enough for you, or her, or him, or them.

i think that’s it for now.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on January 23, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. You’re good enough. I sometimes wonder if I’m good enough for my friends and the people I know. But I think you’re good enough, if that helps.
    I hope you find a better sense of place there where you live. You aren’t going to be there forever, are you? And if you were, I’m sure you’d make more friends and spread your goodness there as well. Maybe you just need more time?

    • It helps that you think I’m good enough, so thank you for that. Perhaps time will help. Maybe I’ll find some friends in school (don’t start til march now, changed it from february to march) maybe I should join some groups or something. hhmmmmm
      thank you.

      • didn’t make the list 😦
        it’s ok, I still read your journal too, even though you and I didn’t hang out all the time at school.
        In reality you are probably in the exact same position as a lot of us from school. Unless they went to theater school like anna, or a few others. most people are regrouping and recooping from the last 2 years!
        i feel ya! I’m working, clean a bit a bit I’m not moving any where near what i was doing at PCPA. I am working on pieces for auditions and I wish i could have a group of people just watch and give me notes and ask me questions about my choices, you know?]
        I look at this point as a transition in my essay of life, it’s a begining but it isn’t nearly as interesting as the body 🙂 (ex-english tutor)…
        no fears, just get a grip on your goals and methodically persue them!

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