Nobody Reads This, Chapter Five

Time is of the essence.

You know, life as we know it is only constant because Time is constant. So what’s so great about time. What’s so great about aging, or celebrating another birthday, celebrating a birth, mourning a death. Who invented the calendar and the watch and the sun dial? Who and why? Time is only necessary because it makes us say “remember that time. . . ” Or whenever we see or speak to old friends, or dear friends, or past friends, or good friends we have to reminisce. If we don’t, we don’t talk much do we. Well, if we’re sober than we have many things we could probably talk about – am I right? We could talk about how much we hate work, or love work. How living with your boyfriend is like raising a 5 year old and how no matter how much you work, you’re barely making ends meet. Time allows us to take a picture of a moment or an event and immortalize it with the best description we can come up with. But why bother making mental notes? I mean if its REALLY that important, it will stay with you forever, if it goes away, it was just “time.” We can blame everything on time. Being late to work, being early to a friends house for dinner. Oh my clock is fast, its slow – its on satellite now. Look at your phone, and everyone should be pretty damn close. Who are the people that set their clocks fast? Are you anxious to MISS the time that you have? Are you trying to fast forward through something? Are you hoping to see the preset fast clock and move faster so that you get somewhere …earlier?? What is the point? You freak out for a minute, then realize the clock is wrong. Time is relevant because eventually moments link up to others. And not as easy as you’d think.

Sometimes you look back on time and realize if you weren’t there at that time, then THAT wouldn’t have happened.

I remember the first time I got drunk, I was 20. It was at a Christmas Party for work and I had about 20 margaritas. Now that sounds like ALOT but they also range in size and in strength. From bucket size glasses to pint size. All were on the rocks, none of them had salt. All were original flavor, no strawberry or mango or fru-fru. I was wearing a fantastic silver dress my mother had made me and I sported a tiara, of course. I arrived with my best friend and co-worker PG. She was wearing a maroon colored dress my mother also made. So cool. The year before at this company I won a TV in a raffle so the stakes were high!!! No, I didn’t win anything. But sometime during the night I climbed on two chairs, in my silver 3 1/2 inch heels and boogied until I fell off. I didn’t even feel it. People came rushing, actually they were all boys – gentlemen. All of them worked as bellmen, and all were my friends and all of them wanted to make sure I was okay. I was upset, and not because I fell but because everyone saw my underwear and it was beige – not silver. I was upset because it didn’t match my dress. Adam laughed, Bear kissed me on the head and said I would be fine, Joe shook his head and said I was nuts, a couple other gents said cheers and brought me some water and when I said I didn’t want any they handed me my drink back, I took it. That night PG and I were the first on the dance floor and I was the last to leave it. The last song was TRUE by Spandeau Ballet and I danced with Bear. After it was closing “time” we went up to the room all of us had got and hung out and ate. We went for a walk and on the edge of the cliff, guarded by a blue railing, I took out all of my bobby pins and sang “i love you” by Sarah Mclachlan, and he just let me. He stood behind me to keep me warm. His 6’4 perfectly muscular frame kept the wind off me quite nicely. He kissed me out there. We were both a lil drunky, but I welcomed it. It was a perfect kiss. We went upstairs, and both went to sleep.

It was Valentines Day, I’m 19 and dating a senior in high school. He lived with his Grandma but she was out and I was invited over for dinner. I pulled up in my Burgundy 85 honda accord. As I approached the front door there are cutouts of hearts covering the railing the side of the wall and the door. I don’t even knock, the door opens and there he is holding another heart. I smile and he embraces me. There are candles everywhere. No light fixture is on. There are not many candles there are only a few, but all enough to see that the dinner table is set and there is a heart on my plate as well. All of these hearts say his name loves my name. It is precious. As I sit down I realize all of these hearts are cut out by hand. they are not bought from the store, they were stencils and he had take a long time to cut them out and stamp them all. The kitchen is close by and the smell of something baking fills my nostrils. Whatever it is, is made from scratch for SURE. Its pizza. I laugh – but it IS homemade pizza. the bread / crust is thick and full of flavor and i know I will be full soon. the cheese melts over the side of the lightly sauced dish and I also hear music. After dinner we cuddle on the carpet. That was our style. We never really sat on the couch together, we cuddled on the carpet – like a picnic. Always layed down two or three blankets and a few pillows and watched TV or a movie. Brandt was always romantic, until he thought I was cheating on him. I never really figured out how or when the fall of our relationship took place, but it had to do with trust and time. I wanted time with other people, my friends, my family – and he thought I was spending time with other guys, in their beds. He was wrong, and he always thought I was with Bear. Brandt was with me when I won a TV at a holiday party once, my hair was real short then. He used to come visit me at work, at The Cliffs. Drove my bosses nuts, but they never asked me to tell him to stop coming, eventually i just wanted him to stop coming – that’s when he thought I’d be hooking up with Bear.

I met PG when I was in 7th grade. She was one of the first people EVER to get a nickname from me. Jimmy Pratt was a new 8th grader at our school, he just transferred in and all the girls swooned. I didn’t. He wasn’t really my type. =) I was going up to the office to drop off the roll call sheet and he was walking up late to school. I told him he was late, and smiled. I was wearing my favorite pair of light pink, floral printed jean shorts (yes pink, I hate the color now), a white V-neck and my favorite whites shoes. They had a very small heel and it made me feel grown up, like I was in highschool. He said not to worry about it “prettygirl” and I said “pretty girl huh?, do you know my real name?” he said of course “maria!” and I said “oh” well thank you, I’ll tell Maria Garcia you said she was pretty. He looked embarrassed. The “hottest” guy in school was embarrassed because of ME, it was a small sweet victory for every girl who needed braces and hair gel and learn to shave her legs. I told PG that, she didn’t believe me right away – but she eventually did. In High school though, PG and I didn’t talk much. She was in the super smart classes, I was in normal classes. She had dated a guy named David for most of our high school career and sometime during our four years there I had befriended David. Which, I am told – made her very angry. I was told there were times when we’d (david and I) be on the phone and PG would call in and he’d say he was talking to me, instead of getting off the phone with me and talking to her. She didn’t like me for that. I didn’t understand at the “time.” We were just friends. Later, after graduation I worked at a kitchen store for a year than wanted a change. I applied at The Cliffs Hotel and to my surprise, PG was at the front desk. I thought it would be wierd, but we seemed to get along fine. When I had asked her if they were still together I remember her saying yes, but that was it. She didn’t wan to talk to me about it. We became much closer after working together. We had discussed boyfriends, school, work. We shared stories gave each other advice and eventually, were able to drink together too.

My first serious boyfriend and I talked about marriage all the time. We were 17 and had “decided” to get married when were 23, have kids between the ages of 25 and 28 and live happily ever after. He left me without warning. I longed to be his forever

My second serious boyfriend and I talked about names of kids more than marriage. I was 19 he was 18. We wanted to wait a few years before even considering marriage but really thought that ‘this was it’ I longed to be the kind of girlfriend you’d never leave.

My third serious boyfriend broke up with me because I refused to consider marriage. I was The day he broke up with me he said he wasn’t proposing he just wanted to know that THAT was the direction we were heading in and I flat out said “well its not” and he couldn’t handle it, so he left. I longed to be left alone

After that I said NO SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. I flirted with guys if i wanted, kissed ’em if i wanted or brushed ’em aside if I wanted. I would NOT be tied down. I longed for adventure. I brought an entire band home with me once. I was 23 and I got signed with Global One Mangement

I moved to la la land in March of 2003. I’m Antoan and I shared his studio apartment until we moved to Burbank, a nice large 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment. =) I bought peach (my computer) shortly after we moved and I had a livejournal, I had friendster and I had instant messenger. I didn’t really have any friends though. I went on auditions, I read my friends blogs and sometimes spoke on the phone to some of them. Living with Antoan had its ups and downs but as a friend he was ALWAYS there for me. I could, I can count on him 100% of the time for his friendship. He is safe. He was with me when I had my serious relationships, my flings, my big paychecks, my small paychecks, my stories, my tears. He holds all my secrets – he could destroy me!!! Using the trusty internet I started to go out on limbs introducing myself to some people, finding new friends. And even when I came home to visit I seemed to have good luck finding companionship. People seemed to come into my life, quickly and happily. But all of a sudden they all wanted me. They weren’t even all boys. boys and girls that I would meet, somehow – wanted me. They wanted my attention, my TIME, my energy. Trying to stay true to my mantra of no serious relationships, no serious relationships, no serious relationships i found myself balancing gentlemen callers. For the first time in my life I could pick and choose. They all knew I wasn’t super serious with them, but they didn’t know there were others. It may have been assumed I was dating more than one guy, but it was never spoken about. And then there were guys who were just my friends, with small benefits, like making out. Yah, they were my make out buddies. Then I couldn’t do it anymore. I was falling for one guy, so everyone else had to go – and they did. But then, this guy I would do anything for didnt’ really want me like that. We were, friends with benefits and I didn’t even need to be called his girlfriend I just didn’t want to see anyone else. I didn’t need to meet all his friends, and I never did by the way, I didn’t need to meet his family, met his brother – but they lived together. I just wanted him to come over to my house sometimes and be with just me. He was always about communicating via the internet. Never the phone. I was angry, happy, sad, torn, content and a little confused. I longed for some stability. I longed for consistency. I longed for his time. I was 24

I moved home to the Central coast in late April of 2004. I’m 25 Feeling like a failure I didn’t tell many of my friends I was back in town. I gained weight, sulked and cried. But after sometime I got out of bed. I visited old friends, I reminisced with them and eventually I spoke to him again. Although his timing was horrible in telling me he missed me, I went to see him for a weekend. It was just like I had wanted, and then it was sunday and I left, and life began again on Monday morning.

I was working, and playing with my friends at karaoke and some actors heard me sing and told me to audition for a school that was all about theatre. I did, I was accepted and I met someone. Maybe it was the right time and the right place, and not just physically. Maybe it was the right time and place emotionally and mentally for me to be with him. I was 26 when I met him, 27 when I married him.

And now?

Now I’m 28, I’ll be 29 in a couple months and it seems time is getting away from me. I have TONS of time on my hands and yet I feel it getting away.

When you see how the dots connected, do you wish they hadn’t?
do i miss that single life excitement? that “time” is over now.
is it Time to wake up?
Time for work?
Time for school?
Time for sleep?
Time to go to the gym?
Time to check your email?
Time to contact those you miss?
Time for a memory?
Time to move on?
is it Tool Time?

If time is of the essence, why do I always waste it, am I wasting my essence away??
Time really does go by as quickly as the sands in an hour glass
Time goes by slowly for those who wait, stop waiting or you’ll be left behind.

And at the lowest points I find myself in, I realize – it could be worse.
It has been worse, which means it can be better.
Friends really do stick around, providing you are also available.
it does cut both ways
It didn’t just happen to you, it happened to him too

And when nostalgia has made a comfy home within you, it really is okay to backtrace and take time to spend with people who used to be in your life. Maybe they never really left you, maybe you left them – and that’s something you have to deal with.

Whatever your decision is, as far as time is concerned, hopefully you keep moving forward WITH time – because Time will not stop just because you do.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on February 22, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. decisions decisions
    we are the sum or our experiences and the circumstances of our birth
    ‘thou art god’ otherwise – you make your choices and the responsibility is yours and yours alone for what you choose
    from where i’m sitting you’re doing great and i’m proud to know you
    just sayin’

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