I went to the gym today. First time in a few weeks. I get going, and then all of a sudden – I just stop. But today I went and they were doing Free Body Fat Testing. I have had this done before, a few different ways. Sometimes people are pulling at the unsightly chunk around my entire body, sometimes they give me an approximate by typing in other information, today I held what looked like a video game controller out infront of me and the guy his “start” and in less then 3 seconds there was a number flashing before my eyes.

Now. . .the LARGEST I’ve ever been is 221 pounds. I weighed this much upon my return from Burbank living with Antoan off of “groceries” from the 99 cent store and McDonalds milk, yogurt and granola for months. Even at my “largest” I rang in at 32% body fat. As I put my little algebra brain to work that comes out to roughly 70 pounds of body fat. And obviously when you actually begin working out you are not just losing fat, you are gaining muscle so my “ideal” weight was never really 151 pounds. My ultimate goal has always been around 165.

TODAY however I weighed myself before going to the gym and it was at 211. A mere 10 pounds less than my largest and 20 pounds heavier than when I graduated PCPA last may……LAST MAY. So here we are a year later. Almost the same weight as my largest and I ring in at (drumroll) 35% body fat. My mouth did not drop to the floor. i was expecting 30-32%, but even the extra 3% extra made me feel horrible all of a sudden and I began questioning everything from why I wear two sport bras to the kind of dressing i use on salads I only occasionally make.

I did have a great workout though, but it was still hard to see that number flashing before my eyes. This of course again would lead people to believe my ideal weight, standing at 5’9″ barefoot is 145 pounds. I have to keep in mind I am not designed to be a stick figure, and have never BEEN a stick figure. I have muscular legs – somewhere beneath my chunk and under the rolls and rolls on my bells I have abs that long to be used.

I am discouraged and motivated at the same time. I am discouraged because even at my non-largest I am at my FATTEST, which for my height and age by the way is OBESE (information I found via the world wide web). But I am somewhat motivated because I’d like to see how I can get it to change. I’ve made MANY posts about my weight over the years, and I’d like to think that each time I’ve learned something ELSE.

I know what good foods are, I have to chose them – been there, covered it.

I understand cardio, heartrate and how I should actually keep it lower and workout longer than jump into crazy cardio. however cardio is how everything in your body starts to speed up and burn off fat.

I understand I have good form when it comes to lifting weights and I understand lighter weight and more reps is for toning and heavier weights with less reps will help build muscle.

I know i’m not girly

I know I DO like taking classes, but i don’t

I know I DO like the gym once I’m there, but don’t find it in me to GET there

What I think I’m learning this time around is, there has to be a reason.
I’d love to say “oh well, my husband wants me HOT, so I have to go the gym” but he loves me just as I am, for some reason
I’d love to say ” I have to change my shape for a movie role” but I don’t have anything lined up, I don’t audition for TV/Film right now because I’m too far away
I’d love to say ” my agent got me this great job but I have to tone up”
I’d love to say “I have to be bikini ready by xx/xx/xxx” but i don’t
I’d love to say “oh I’m meeting my trainer, he kicks my ass in the best way” but I can’t afford a trainer
I’d love to say “I want to be healthier” but the truth is right now I don’t want anything, AND i want EVERYTHING. This time around I’ve learned there has to be a reason. Not just a “goal” a Reason. A reason for the Goal to even exist. This however, is also – where I am discouraged.

I miss dancing and moving
I miss being creative
i miss feeling good about my life in general. it really is quite depressing being in a place where you know maybe 3 people. I don’t feel motivated to do ANYTHING, but at the same time if I don’t do something about 35% of my body weight I could be on a track to worse things and I guess that could be my motivation.

I dont’ know, I’m not sure, but i know something has to change and I need to find a good reason to do it.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 5, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I miss dancing and moving, too. Is there a dance studio you can go to nearby to pick up classes just for exercise? I find exercise is easiest when it’s something I want to do (e.g. Dance Dance Revolution).
    You might find some like-minded friends in dance class, as well. Or take up a hobby that will introduce you to others…?
    Also, I picked up a DVD from a class I went to ages ago called “yoga ballet fusion” and I do 3 of the exercise sections from that every single morning. Sometimes I don’t want to, but it’s there, right in my flat, and I _know_ I will feel better after I do it, so I make myself do it every morning. I don’t know how you work, but for me I need routine. If I make sure and do all my morning routine-bits, I feel better for the rest of the day.
    I think it’s a matter of doing what’s best for you and what makes you happy, which is really an excellent reason. If exercising and eating well make you happy in both the short and long run, then you should do it every day, right? =D
    Kind of cheeky, when people say “all you have to do is…” It’s not easy to keep at it, but it only takes 21 days to form a habit, so they say.
    Do you keep a journal of everything you eat? I know that when I am dieting, it helps to write down everything I eat in a day in a little notebook, then go over it at night and see where I could change things (am I eating because I’m bored, am I snacking on the wrong things, etc).
    It sounds a little manic but you’d be surprised at how easy it is to trick yourself into thinking you “haven’t eaten much” because you’ve been snacking. This from a self-confessed snackaholic.
    Best of luck to you, let us know how it goes. We’re rooting for you over here. =]

  2. Nani…
    I, too, am probably at my fattest right now. I’m frustrated and depressed and yet I’m not doing anything about it. I ate two dinners tonight and somehow I’m not ashamed. Unfortunately, I have a fitness program to look forward to this summer. Getting back with my old trainer, swimming hopefully, dancing definitely… And I also have a reason: The musical here next year is going to be a DANCE SHOW and our chief musical person casts based on type/look and dammit I want to be a dancer – not the fat, matronly old person. Please? For once?
    Anyway, I guess what I’m getting at is… wanna do it together?

  3. I know exactly what you are going through
    I am, EXACTLY 20 pounds heavier than what I weighed at graduation! It’s hard because we were in this little bubble with it’s own pressures and motivations and now we were thrown into the real world and we can’t possibly keep it up.
    I totally understand the depressed/ motivated feeling. Jeff and I have started running and getting ready for the tour, but I can’t help but feel guilty that I could have started a while ago.

  4. I know exactly how you feel.
    Hey Aiyani,
    Donno if you remember me, but this is Jeanie Mello from PCPA. I was a second year when you were a first and I worked in the prop shop during your second year. Anyway, sorry if I’m being nosey, but I ended up on your page on accident and found your latest entry to be very inspirational. Non neccesarally for it’s content, but the fact that perhaps you’re feeling very much like I am right now. I moved to Humboldt this past fall and as of yesterday I have met only two people that I could possibly call friends. It’s tough when you have no one to turn to when you start feeling kinda low about yourself. I only wish I could get further than wishing and was able to get my butt into the gym.
    This got a little long, I just wanted to let you know that you truely made me feel a little less low about myself and I wanted to thank you for sharing.

    • Re: I know exactly how you feel.
      i do remember you. =) Hello!, welcome to the world of aiyani dot com where you can find inspiration, complaints, venting, movie reviews, toy talk, relationship advice (is it good advice? probably not) and anything about me that I care to share. if it effects me, its here.
      welcome welcome welcome.

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