I went to the gym today. First time in a few weeks. I get going, and then all of a sudden – I just stop. But today I went and they were doing Free Body Fat Testing. I have had this done before, a few different ways. Sometimes people are pulling at the unsightly chunk around my entire body, sometimes they give me an approximate by typing in other information, today I held what looked like a video game controller out infront of me and the guy his “start” and in less then 3 seconds there was a number flashing before my eyes.
Now. . .the LARGEST I’ve ever been is 221 pounds. I weighed this much upon my return from Burbank living with Antoan off of “groceries” from the 99 cent store and McDonalds milk, yogurt and granola for months. Even at my “largest” I rang in at 32% body fat. As I put my little algebra brain to work that comes out to roughly 70 pounds of body fat. And obviously when you actually begin working out you are not just losing fat, you are gaining muscle so my “ideal” weight was never really 151 pounds. My ultimate goal has always been around 165.
TODAY however I weighed myself before going to the gym and it was at 211. A mere 10 pounds less than my largest and 20 pounds heavier than when I graduated PCPA last may……LAST MAY. So here we are a year later. Almost the same weight as my largest and I ring in at (drumroll) 35% body fat. My mouth did not drop to the floor. i was expecting 30-32%, but even the extra 3% extra made me feel horrible all of a sudden and I began questioning everything from why I wear two sport bras to the kind of dressing i use on salads I only occasionally make.
I did have a great workout though, but it was still hard to see that number flashing before my eyes. This of course again would lead people to believe my ideal weight, standing at 5’9″ barefoot is 145 pounds. I have to keep in mind I am not designed to be a stick figure, and have never BEEN a stick figure. I have muscular legs – somewhere beneath my chunk and under the rolls and rolls on my bells I have abs that long to be used.
I am discouraged and motivated at the same time. I am discouraged because even at my non-largest I am at my FATTEST, which for my height and age by the way is OBESE (information I found via the world wide web). But I am somewhat motivated because I’d like to see how I can get it to change. I’ve made MANY posts about my weight over the years, and I’d like to think that each time I’ve learned something ELSE.
I know what good foods are, I have to chose them – been there, covered it.
I understand cardio, heartrate and how I should actually keep it lower and workout longer than jump into crazy cardio. however cardio is how everything in your body starts to speed up and burn off fat.
I understand I have good form when it comes to lifting weights and I understand lighter weight and more reps is for toning and heavier weights with less reps will help build muscle.
I know i’m not girly
I know I DO like taking classes, but i don’t
I know I DO like the gym once I’m there, but don’t find it in me to GET there
What I think I’m learning this time around is, there has to be a reason.
I’d love to say “oh well, my husband wants me HOT, so I have to go the gym” but he loves me just as I am, for some reason
I’d love to say ” I have to change my shape for a movie role” but I don’t have anything lined up, I don’t audition for TV/Film right now because I’m too far away
I’d love to say ” my agent got me this great job but I have to tone up”
I’d love to say “I have to be bikini ready by xx/xx/xxx” but i don’t
I’d love to say “oh I’m meeting my trainer, he kicks my ass in the best way” but I can’t afford a trainer
I’d love to say “I want to be healthier” but the truth is right now I don’t want anything, AND i want EVERYTHING. This time around I’ve learned there has to be a reason. Not just a “goal” a Reason. A reason for the Goal to even exist. This however, is also – where I am discouraged.
I miss dancing and moving
I miss being creative
i miss feeling good about my life in general. it really is quite depressing being in a place where you know maybe 3 people. I don’t feel motivated to do ANYTHING, but at the same time if I don’t do something about 35% of my body weight I could be on a track to worse things and I guess that could be my motivation.
I dont’ know, I’m not sure, but i know something has to change and I need to find a good reason to do it.