when the mind is full of stuff, you can’t see the sheep to count them

I should be asleep.

I am unable to sleep, because I have “stuff” going through my brain that keeps me awake.

Normal Stuff:
write another list for Target (ie AA and AAA batteries)
get up early enough to make coffee
do we have milk?
I want some bacon, REAL bacon

Work Stuff:
When will someone hire me?
why do they not hire me because of my qualifications? I am over qualified, but I don’t want a career there, I want a job there – hire me already.
Will I have to buy new clothes. . .will i GET to buy new clothes??

Weight Stuff:
as per usual, I disappoint myself
i’ve looked into some dance studios and though I’d hate to be in the “Adult (ages 12 and up) group” I may just have to suck it up and go for my own sanity and well-being
I miss pilates and how I felt when I did it
I’ve never been long and lean, but i’d like to be

Friend Stuff:
I might get to see Adam-from-the-band-I-brought-home in a couple weeks, if not I visit him later this summer
I miss my friends
I miss playing, and drinking and singing and playing and drinking and singing, then eating and playing. . .
I miss coffee time with kitten

Personal Stuff:
I need to play my piano more
I have forgotten how to play songs I’ve written, but I know how they go, I just don’t know how to play them – now I have to relearn/rewrite/reteach myself
I should make lunch, instead of buying lunch tomorrow

Relationship stuff:
Cleveland leaves for Santa Rosa on the May 23rd. He’ll be gone for 7 weeks. We’ve been having “issues” lately so this will be well needed time apart and upon his return we have to reevaluate our relationship and if we are going the same direction and after the same things and can BE THERE for each other and support each other and DISCUSS BIG DECISIONS with eachother. Sometimes I find he misses his “bachelor” days. Not missing “the ladies” or “the parties” he wasn’t like that, but before me he could do whatever he wanted whenever, and now he has to consider that his decisions will effect me. Prime example, he told me sunday (may 11) he’ll be going to new york wednesday (tomorrow) and will go to the sound design seminar he wanted to go to and return monday….the last I heard of this conversation/decision was in March and he wasn’t going because we didn’t have the funds to send him. He asked his parents for help, but didn’t bother talking to me about it. He just – planned his trip and will be leaving and coming back, then…leaving again. I often find I miss my “single” days. They can’t be “bachelorette” days – that’s gay. 😉 I miss flirting and dancing with boys exchanging numbers and going on all of 2 dates before finding the flaws they have REALLY don’t interest me and its okay to say “hey i’ll just see you around, cool?” and everything is fine and fun again. I feel that I”ve given up who I am for Cleveland – which is no good and that I left everyone I know behind to follow him to a place I would never chose to live for myself because there’s nothing here for me. Then I find that I resent him for it, blame him for it and dump on him because of it. I know there has to be people out there going “but, you guys just got married, give it sometime” well, time is the part I jumped over so maybe I’m back tracing. we’ll see we’ll see.

I’m stuck between what I always envisioned for myself in a husband/mate/partner and what I have in a husband/mate/partner

John Stuff:
yes I’ve seen that he hung out with Jennifer Aniston, no I don’t think it will go very far. Yes I like Jen, but I don’t think they are right for eachother. It is my belief that when John is done living out his highschool fantasies and proving to the world that he is a prime example of the “ugly duckling” story that he will settle down with a girl-next-door type (and no not the playboy bunny girls-next-door) who isn’t an actor or a singer. . .but maybe a dancer and someone who can challenge his intelligence, he’s actually very educated, well spoken and able to speak a foreign language fluently. Which unfortunately, rules me out – I know…….sad huh?. =) But again, its just a theory – he could meet me, fall head over heels in love with me and follow me around til the day I die.

ps. I totally get to see him this July at the Fair. and maybe in Irvine too. maybe

maybe now i’ll be able to sleep

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 14, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I want some bacon too.

  2. *hugs*
    The first year of marriage is rough. Like REALLY rough. For everyone. I don’t care if they look at you with stars in their eyes and say, “We’re sooo happy. The honeymoon is still on.” They’re lying. Sorry. They are.
    It’s such a huge adjustment. First of all, for the first time EVER you (when I say “you”, I mean “people”) have someone else who is directly affected by your actions. This can be a huge adjustment. For some reason, it’s an especially difficult adjustment for men. You are totally justified in being upset. I’d be livid.
    Also, yeah…sometimes I miss the single days too – the freedom of it! But remember that when we were single, we were just looking for what we have now.
    I know you’re going to be fine. I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had similar conversations with married girlfriends. For the most part, everything worked out. 🙂

  3. love and supportive thoughts

    • Re: …
      thank you, i need all of the positive energy you can spare. thank you.

      • Re: …
        I recently took a class on problem solving. The first thing that we worked on was the importance of having a clear understanding of what the problem was that we want to address.
        I’m involved in a complex set of relationships. It took us a month of serious honest discussion (with the help of a friend of ours who’s an NVC – nonviolent communication – guru) before we even understood where our issues had their roots.
        However, once we could actually identify what was causing our dissatisfaction, we could begin to constructively discuss the problems when they came up and not just squabble about the little crap that we were using as an excuse to show our dissatisfaction. It’s hard being in a real, serious ‘for-keeps’ relationship. It will get easier, once you learn to trust each other, but it’s never easy. What you gain from an honest loving relationship is so amazingly worthwhile though. The sense of peace, the profound feeling of family, of love and confidence, I feel is totally worth the sweat, tears and hours of conversation required to get it.
        In your case, the first thing you should probably find out is whether or not you both have the same expectations of what married life entails.
        If there is dissatisfaction in both of you, or if you don’t feel like you can share the pertinent issues with your mate in a way he understands, then I encourage some sort of couples counseling. A good counselor can give you tools to begin addressing your relationships’ maintenance needs in a way that allows you both to feel good about the process.
        Anyway. Much love.

  4. *hugs*
    *slaps belly*

  5. Hey. As Tyler says, it’s not all puppies and light all the time. Hard times befall all relationships but you’ll be a better, wiser stronger lady for sticking around to figure it out.
    It takes an ungodly amount of communication sometimes (my Mom and Dad have a weekly “check-in” where they go over any outstanding issues, and Tyler and I do the same at irregular intervals).
    The more you communicate with each other, the better off you will be. I know there are small voices that say “well, he/she should know, they’re my partner!”
    But it doesn’t happen that way. Constant vigilance. Figure out what exactly is upsetting you and then try and have a calm and rational conversation about it. It takes practise. I threw loads of fits and tantrums before I figured it out. Still figuring it out, but getting better every day.
    Good luck to you both!

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