when the mind is full of stuff, you can’t see the sheep to count them
I should be asleep.
I am unable to sleep, because I have “stuff” going through my brain that keeps me awake.
write another list for Target (ie AA and AAA batteries)
get up early enough to make coffee
do we have milk?
I want some bacon, REAL bacon
When will someone hire me?
why do they not hire me because of my qualifications? I am over qualified, but I don’t want a career there, I want a job there – hire me already.
Will I have to buy new clothes. . .will i GET to buy new clothes??
as per usual, I disappoint myself
i’ve looked into some dance studios and though I’d hate to be in the “Adult (ages 12 and up) group” I may just have to suck it up and go for my own sanity and well-being
I miss pilates and how I felt when I did it
I’ve never been long and lean, but i’d like to be
I might get to see Adam-from-the-band-I-brought-home in a couple weeks, if not I visit him later this summer
I miss my friends
I miss playing, and drinking and singing and playing and drinking and singing, then eating and playing. . .
I miss coffee time with kitten
I need to play my piano more
I have forgotten how to play songs I’ve written, but I know how they go, I just don’t know how to play them – now I have to relearn/rewrite/reteach myself
I should make lunch, instead of buying lunch tomorrow
Cleveland leaves for Santa Rosa on the May 23rd. He’ll be gone for 7 weeks. We’ve been having “issues” lately so this will be well needed time apart and upon his return we have to reevaluate our relationship and if we are going the same direction and after the same things and can BE THERE for each other and support each other and DISCUSS BIG DECISIONS with eachother. Sometimes I find he misses his “bachelor” days. Not missing “the ladies” or “the parties” he wasn’t like that, but before me he could do whatever he wanted whenever, and now he has to consider that his decisions will effect me. Prime example, he told me sunday (may 11) he’ll be going to new york wednesday (tomorrow) and will go to the sound design seminar he wanted to go to and return monday….the last I heard of this conversation/decision was in March and he wasn’t going because we didn’t have the funds to send him. He asked his parents for help, but didn’t bother talking to me about it. He just – planned his trip and will be leaving and coming back, then…leaving again. I often find I miss my “single” days. They can’t be “bachelorette” days – that’s gay. 😉 I miss flirting and dancing with boys exchanging numbers and going on all of 2 dates before finding the flaws they have REALLY don’t interest me and its okay to say “hey i’ll just see you around, cool?” and everything is fine and fun again. I feel that I”ve given up who I am for Cleveland – which is no good and that I left everyone I know behind to follow him to a place I would never chose to live for myself because there’s nothing here for me. Then I find that I resent him for it, blame him for it and dump on him because of it. I know there has to be people out there going “but, you guys just got married, give it sometime” well, time is the part I jumped over so maybe I’m back tracing. we’ll see we’ll see.
I’m stuck between what I always envisioned for myself in a husband/mate/partner and what I have in a husband/mate/partner
yes I’ve seen that he hung out with Jennifer Aniston, no I don’t think it will go very far. Yes I like Jen, but I don’t think they are right for eachother. It is my belief that when John is done living out his highschool fantasies and proving to the world that he is a prime example of the “ugly duckling” story that he will settle down with a girl-next-door type (and no not the playboy bunny girls-next-door) who isn’t an actor or a singer. . .but maybe a dancer and someone who can challenge his intelligence, he’s actually very educated, well spoken and able to speak a foreign language fluently. Which unfortunately, rules me out – I know…….sad huh?. =) But again, its just a theory – he could meet me, fall head over heels in love with me and follow me around til the day I die.
ps. I totally get to see him this July at the Fair. and maybe in Irvine too. maybe
maybe now i’ll be able to sleep