dedicated to the body of Aiyani Mersai
I have betrayed you and let you down. From the layers on my skin to the very insides that allow you to function, I have messed up.
I was running, I still am. I was hiding, I still am. I am in denile. I am rebelling.
You have been working overtime to heal yourself after I do my best to trash you with alcohol, then neglect to feed you or hydrate you, then I do not allow you to sleep.
A time to recover and allow you to do your thing because I had to go out and do mine. I keep pushing your limits, but not healthily. I keep torturing you. I am trying to make it all go away by making everything numb or blurred.
I have not fed your mind with anything educational or challening
I have not fed you any nutrients so that you will function properly, or heal properly and I am still lying to myself that it will all be fine. If I’m not careful I will keep falling and you will give up on me – I know.
I know what to do to make it stop
I know what I should do to put you back on track, and yet. . .
Not only are you suffocating, and drowning, and starving and begging for help, but no one is listening to you. I am no one, and I’m not ready to apologize. I am too busy ignoring it, and numbing it, even though I am allowing things to spiral down….even though you depend on me – a part of me is just giving up. I’m not wishing for death, but if you want or need to just shut down I won’t stop you, in fact if you do shut down chances are that will be a rock bottom from which I will begin to climb again – maybe. If you shut down then maybe when I wake up I’ll be able to see better, listen better and care better for you.
All I can do is be honest with you.
And honestly, right now, I care less about you then I do about myself right now and nothing seems to be snapping me out of it