May 23 – Jeffrey left to work in Santa Rosa for 2 months
June 9 – the Day I got to the Central Coast for 2 months (took a leave of absence from school for 60 days)
July 10 – the day Jeffrey was driving from Santa Rosa to Vista and he decided he did not want to stop by and talk to me or see me
July 14 – our 2 year anniversary, the first time he told me this wasn’t working for him
August 8 – the day I returned to Vista and Jeffrey told me he missed me and he was sorry he didn’t stop by in July
August 11 – the day he said he actually didn’t miss me he only said that because he thought he had too, and the second time he said this wasn’t working, and he wants a divorce
August 16 – the day I tell my family the news and that I don’t know much more and I can’t seem to answer any questions because MY questions haven’t been answered either….because he NEVER comes home – he stays with his friend…Ashley, whom he has apparently known for years but I’ve never met her and most recently they’ve been “hanging out a lot”
August 18 – the day I told my close friends via email about his decision and what steps I am taking to care for myself.
August 28 – the filing of the joint petition for a summary dissolution for Jeffrey Warren and me.  Marking 2 years and  45 days.
August 28 – I look into the forms for an Uncontested Dissolution so I don’t have to wait 6 months before sending in another piece of paper that says “yah, we’re not together anymore – thanks” but in more legal terms.
August 28 – the day I kept packing and packing when I found receipts from what looks like a “date night” from the Wild Animal Park, to dinner at Pat & Oscars
August 28 – reality check
August 28 – refer to the previous post and try to stay focused
August 28 – make myself eat something

August 29 – ……

I will love you forever.

I don’t know what kind of love I have for you yet, but some kind of love will always exist in me, for you. I know that I’m willing to find out what kind it is. You could be my next best friend (in addition of course to the ones I have…), you could be one of those friends I see once in a while and feel as though time has not passed, you could be the love of my life.

I know that I will never lie to you and I could never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me and what you continue to do for me. I know that I feel more like a human when you are around me and that being in your home is the greatest escape from everything and anything that I feel is attacking me or breaking me down right now. You are always so at peace, you are so patient and willing to listen and I can only hope that with time some of that will rub off on me. I can only hope that with time…..well I can only REALLY hope that “time” is what you give me.

I know there is much that has happened in your life thus far. I know you’ve seen great love, I know you’ve seen tragedy and more so than seeing it, I know you have experienced it and felt it and I feel privileged that you have allowed me to listen; that you’ve allowed me into that small, quiet circle of puzzle pieces.

I know that you believe actions speak louder than words, and as someone who often turns to words; I’m often told that I lecture or my answers to questions seem like monologues longing to be edited…..but know its because for the longest time taking action was not a real option. And after not taking action for so long, you just realize that talking seems to be the way to go. I would like to extend my….fear….to you by also saying I long to take risks. That some people believe I AM a risk taker, but I am not. I really am “all talk.” And I would love that to be something I learn to grow from, not change – but grow from. I want to be able to tell people what I’m thinking and describe to them how I’m feeling, but I want to be able to show them as well; more specifically I want to be able to show you.

In acting school we are told to take risks, and as long as I am playing a character I feel I can do it, its “real life” that I tend to …..talk my way through. Granted I have had my moments of adrenaline or alcohol induced bravery, but its a show….I always have to be putting on a show. Something you brought to my attention – something that surprised me.

I know that I have baggage. I know that you have baggage. I know that I will never lie to you about what my baggage is, where it comes from and why sometimes I need someone to help me check it, and why sometimes I need to carry it all on my own. I know that I am not looking for someone to fix me, change me or remind me of my faults but that I am looking for someone who can be there for me as I do change, and someone who will be around regardless of my faults.

I am tired and I am lonely and I know I have to be careful with….everything….right now, and you know all the reasons why. I know that I cannot allow myself to transfer feelings to you, I know that I cannot allow myself to depend on you and I know I cannot take advantage of your kind, objective words. I know that I am a handful, and that when you met me your hands were already full and I know I cannot make you any promises other than this – I will love you forever…I don’t know yet what kind of love that is but it will exist in me – for you, forever.

When I’m with you, life is full of possibilities.

For those unaware of the web logs of Toy Talk, it is a series I write taking children toys and comparing them to life, as I know or as I see it. All archive entries are located on my livejournal on their original dates and in their entirety as a group on myspace at the February 13 2007 mark.

Chutes & Ladders a game. The object of the game is to spin the dial and move forward the amount of spaces specified. No more than 6 moves per spin, no more than one spin per move. The board goes to 100. 100 little boxes and some have ladders in them and if you land on the box then you consequently get to climb the ladder to a higher space thus making you closer to box 100 and winning! However there are also chutes; slides that when landing on a box with a chute you have to slide down to a lower numbered box making box 100 that much more farther away. There are up to 4 players allowed on the board per game. There are 2 girls and 2 boys – at least that’s how it was when I grew up.

Spin to see who goes first, the person with the highest number goes first followed by the next highest number.

It should be as simple as one, two, three. It….should be. Life feeds us numbers all the time. At the DMV, at restaurants, our cel numbers, our bills, and hell some of us even “crunch” numbers at work. We get up, go to school or work or wherever we need to be and we do it because we have to move forward. There is an ultimate goal in all of us – somewhere. Depending on the numbers on the clock, on the paycheck and in the bank we move up the ladder. This is what we grow up to do. We spin the wheel and see where the arrow points and we move forward without really knowing if its gonna advance us or put us back a few steps. And further more we don’t know that after we climb that ladder and move up in our life if the next spin, or step, is going to send us plummeting down this path allowing us an un-cushioned landing on our backside. But regardless, we always get up and keep moving forward. At least that’s what we should do, that’s what the rules of the game are. Through wind, rain, sleet…through the blazing sun, through the trials and tribulations, through the tests….the marriages the funerals, the unemployment, the birth of unexpected kids, the winning of the lottery….through unpacking and repacking, through ruining dinner when you’ve never cooked to getting your college degree – we climb and climb and climb, and so many of us fall and fall fall….well – slide. The thing that keeps us moving after the valley’s is we know there will be peaks ahead. The thing that makes us get up and brush ourselves off, is that THAT is what we have always done. Its what our parents told us to do when we fell, what our friends helped us do when the bully pushed us down, its what the tutor helped us do when we didn’t get the subject and failing the tests, it’s what our aunts and uncles and grandparents all wanted for us, its what our coaches always told us to do….so we did. We get up, we brush ourselves off, we take another spin and move forward again. We keep reaching for the top, the end, that ultimate place of contentment because you finished! And while we spin only once and pass it on we learn patience, that’s it’s not always our turn to move forward or up, or even backwards or down. We learn that whatever we do is actually in OUR hands, not someone elses. Its not a team game this Chutes and Ladders, its every man for himself and we all want the same things but it may take some of us longer to get there because some of the ladders are shorter than others, some of the chutes are longer than others…but you’ll get there. What’s great is that in a game like this, everyone would stick around until the last person finished. The game wasn’t over until all 4 people made it to the top. Sure there will be first places and second places, there will be presidents of the companies and vice presidents of the companies, then the managers and assistants then service representatives….

which one are you? which one are you trying to be? Does it matter to you how quickly you finish or get to the top. Is it fair to assume that once you reach the top you’re going to see how the others make it? Because often in this world we just keep moving forward and once we get to the top we keep going. The game wants you to encourage others to keep reaching. It wants you to know that you may finish first in this game but there will be other games and wouldn’t you want support while you’re still trying to get up and move forward? Do you remember to take turns in your life? Once you reach any point of success do you pass on the torch so others may try to also reach success?

When you spin, or take that step forward, and you see that you are going up or going down how fast do you make your move? And my advice to you is always proceed with caution, and enjoy the ups as you can appreciate the downs because even in spinning then stepping, it’s all for a reason. There’s always an end in site, there will always be a next step after you believe its over. Its just how the game is played, you just have to decide your approach in how you play it. Not much strategy is involved, just spin….and move forward – but as always…watch your step.

I’m back in Vista. It’s hot and lonely here. The upside is I did go to the gym today and it felt great. 30 minutes on the treadmill walking and running and 20 minutes on the bike. I have to look for a job this week, that’s always fun and I returned to school on saturday so tuesday will be my second day back. Its just as I left it. Like a play with the same choreography and direction but some of the ensemble has changed. It was nice to see 2 people there. One of my teachers and one girl that was in my class.

Life seems to be rolling just the same, but different. I’m different, he’s different and soon everything else will be different too.