kind of like Love
I will love you forever.
I don’t know what kind of love I have for you yet, but some kind of love will always exist in me, for you. I know that I’m willing to find out what kind it is. You could be my next best friend (in addition of course to the ones I have…), you could be one of those friends I see once in a while and feel as though time has not passed, you could be the love of my life.
I know that I will never lie to you and I could never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me and what you continue to do for me. I know that I feel more like a human when you are around me and that being in your home is the greatest escape from everything and anything that I feel is attacking me or breaking me down right now. You are always so at peace, you are so patient and willing to listen and I can only hope that with time some of that will rub off on me. I can only hope that with time…..well I can only REALLY hope that “time” is what you give me.
I know there is much that has happened in your life thus far. I know you’ve seen great love, I know you’ve seen tragedy and more so than seeing it, I know you have experienced it and felt it and I feel privileged that you have allowed me to listen; that you’ve allowed me into that small, quiet circle of puzzle pieces.
I know that you believe actions speak louder than words, and as someone who often turns to words; I’m often told that I lecture or my answers to questions seem like monologues longing to be edited…..but know its because for the longest time taking action was not a real option. And after not taking action for so long, you just realize that talking seems to be the way to go. I would like to extend my….fear….to you by also saying I long to take risks. That some people believe I AM a risk taker, but I am not. I really am “all talk.” And I would love that to be something I learn to grow from, not change – but grow from. I want to be able to tell people what I’m thinking and describe to them how I’m feeling, but I want to be able to show them as well; more specifically I want to be able to show you.
In acting school we are told to take risks, and as long as I am playing a character I feel I can do it, its “real life” that I tend to …..talk my way through. Granted I have had my moments of adrenaline or alcohol induced bravery, but its a show….I always have to be putting on a show. Something you brought to my attention – something that surprised me.
I know that I have baggage. I know that you have baggage. I know that I will never lie to you about what my baggage is, where it comes from and why sometimes I need someone to help me check it, and why sometimes I need to carry it all on my own. I know that I am not looking for someone to fix me, change me or remind me of my faults but that I am looking for someone who can be there for me as I do change, and someone who will be around regardless of my faults.
I am tired and I am lonely and I know I have to be careful with….everything….right now, and you know all the reasons why. I know that I cannot allow myself to transfer feelings to you, I know that I cannot allow myself to depend on you and I know I cannot take advantage of your kind, objective words. I know that I am a handful, and that when you met me your hands were already full and I know I cannot make you any promises other than this – I will love you forever…I don’t know yet what kind of love that is but it will exist in me – for you, forever.
When I’m with you, life is full of possibilities.