Depression can drive you to (in no particular order):
anxiety attacks in the middle of the day
panic attacks in the middle of the night
moments of nostalgia followed by tears followed by yelling at….no one
somehow i’ve decided that this has become a….checklist
I live alone in Vista because my husband never comes home
I go homehome on the weekends because people there care
I go to a school where I am friendly with the other ladies but I don’t know if we are friends
I have coffee with kitten when I can
I have talks with my frienemy when he can
I see my family because I can
I drink when I can, accept when I’m in Vista alone – if I don’t make myself feel it I won’t heal from it
I wonder where he is and at the same time I don’t care
I stay awake sometimes days at a time because my mind is racing so quickly it won’t let me rest
I cry when I’m sad, which is almost immediately followed by crying because I’m angry followed by laughing because I’m stupid enough to cry
I don’t believe it when someone tells me I’m pretty
I don’t believe it when someone tells me it will be okay
I don’t believe it when someone says they’ll call – because they don’t and of course there’s ALWAYS a reason and I’m supposed to ALWAYS be okay with it
I watch my wedding DVD because its there and because it was a good day, I feel nothing
I look at pictures over the past 2 1/2 years and feel I’ve wasted time
I am pushing myself to see my friends because I know it will help but all I sometimes want to do is lay there. Lay still and just….i don’t know. breathe? yell? laugh? cry?
I love and hate at the same time, and that goes for more than one person
I follow a pill poppin’ routine of vitamins
I try to drink water
what can I do next? Exlax and water for a month? Take on an eating disorder.
There is no way out. I can’t find a way out. It doesn’t even FEEL like rock bottom so I can’t imagine nor do I want to find out what that may be.
The other day I saw pictures of my wifes’ wedding (caitlin) She looked beyond stunning. Her hair was perfect, her makeup flawless, her dress was breathtaking and it was all wonderful. I didn’t recognize myself. I was the token fat friend in any picture that included me. You can’t hide a fat person. I have become this fat person because the past few months have depressed me and all I’ve done is drink and eat myself into an oblivion.
I don’t know what is next. But right now I’ll take it if it will make me not feel depressed anymore. Not make me feel worthless and quiet and unheard. I’ll take it if it means healing is faster, and losing weight is something will just happen. I’ll take it if it means my self-esteem may be slightly restored as will my trust in….people. I’ll take it if it means when I open my mouth to talk about ME and what’s going on with ME because I FINALLY think I can, it means OTHERS LISTEN because they said they would – instead of start talking about themselves and their problems or adventures. I’ll take it if after every time I laugh I don’t feel sad about something else. I’ll take it if it means I can sleep without waking up every half hour and checking the couch. Ill take it if it helps me not stay so close to my phone in hopes that I hear a certain ring tone – and No, the ring tone is not Jeffrey’s tone….I’m longing to hear someone else call me, to check on me and talk to me. I’ll take it if it means my dreaming subsides to a more “normal” place.
Posted on September 6, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.
Awww sweetie. I wish I could make it better. I don’t know what to say, but suffice to say that I’m sending you big internet hugs and hopes that tomorrow will be a better day.
You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful. And I don’t just mean your face, as lovely as it is. I have always admired (and even envied) your beauty and your grace and your chutzpah.
Eventually, it will be mostly okay. It will probably never be totally okay… but it will be okay, mostly.
I’ve gone through some pretty rotten things in my life, and in a sort of a way I was lucky to have such rotten things happen to me when I was a kid and teenager. It has given me the perspective to be able to say, “This too shall pass. I’ve been through worse; I’ll get through this.” Maybe life is awful right now, almost unbearable. Maybe this is the nadir. Maybe this time in your life is the time you will look back on when you’re having a hard time five years from now, or ten, or twenty, and you’ll say to yourself, “if I got through that I can get through this.” And you will get through it, and it will make you stronger. It will be hard, and sometimes it will seem impossible, but you will survive and you will move on. It is going to take time, but as bad as it is, as hard as it is to keep going each day–this too shall pass. I promise.
If you can, listen to jedipussytricks and mand a lion. These are smart, strong, human women – just like you.
Never never never give up.
I am listening.
I am sad that you are sad.