Simply Closed the Door.
This morning I left my apartment in Vista on time. 7:30am. I made it to my favorite coffee shop. “The old california coffee house” where they have over 20 dessert drinks of which I have tried most of them. My favorite, the Crème Brulee Latte. But on this particular day I was offered an egg nog latte, so I took it. At school I had a morning appointment for a microderm, then nothing at the 10am slot, then another microderm at 12:30pm, then I was done for the day. I have 5 more clock hours to accrue then I’m done with school. I’ll be at Janet’s house for the next few nights, she and her family were kind enough to offer their home to me. I’m at the Coffee House right now, which is why I have Internet. But once I leave, then I’ll “really go dark.”
Let me start this again:
Yesterday was Halloween; people at school dressed up and everything. I did not, I have nothing here; everything is at my mommies house of boyfriends house (boyfriend = Jenn…smurfs ex-wife) School School School then I went home and loaded up my car with as much stuff as I could leaving my toiletries and a couple bags out. (Later the pile became bigger from small things I gathered in to boxes and left overs from the drawers. At that same moment I had to figure out where everything was going to go, because the only room I had left was in the front seat, and there was 5 bags, 2 boxes, a vacuum, its parts and a blue cowboy hat. . . I know whatever). At any rate after I packed up my car, I took a shower and started talking to Mr. Man on skype.
Then, Jeffrey came home and started loading up his moving truck. Fine. Fabulous. Then his brother, Daniel, came over and helped him load up some furniture. Mid move, I got hungry and went to the kitchen. I asked him if there was a fork, he said “No” then found one for me. Then I grabbed my food turned to the microwave, only it wasn’t there anymore, so I turned to him and said “nevermind, you took the microwave away already.” I went to pour myself some milk, only there no glasses. So I went into the bathroom changed my clothes and walked out of my dorm to drove to Brooke’s house
Brooke is a classmate, she was having a Halloween open house thing and I had been invited. I waltzed in, got a few hugs and introduced to some people and she showed me to the bar. I made a chocolate martini. Stoli Vodka, Godiva and Frangelico – no milk, no cream…didn’t want to cut my alcohol with anything. It was about 6:30pm by now. We were talking, the people, all of us people – party and I finished my cocktail then made a caramel appltini, dual ‘tini’s; there was enough for two glasses so I poured another glass and stood there with my drinks. We had tacos, yum and snacks and good talks. Later, Brooke and Lisa (another classmate) got in the Jacuzzi and I dangled me feet in, it was lovely. I was invited to stay the night, but knew I needed to pack up the rest of my stuff in the morning and knew Jeffrey would be there packing up stuff and didn’t want him to add to my pile just because he thought he could. I took what I wanted a long time ago. I left Brooke’s house full and with snacks in tow, she gave me some yogurt and an apple and some granola for the morning, she knew Jeffrey had probably taken or thrown out all of the food at this point – that was kind of her. And she also sent me home with her air mattress. I thought I wouldn’t need it, turns out she was right.
I got to my dorm and 10:30pm and it was empty. Jeffrey didn’t just pack up furniture, he packed up everything else too and left it void of everything but my few bags. He, of course, added to my pile and left me with no bag for garbage, no toilet paper no lamp, no pillows, no blankets. I thought he would have, I was wrong – something I have often been when regarding him as of late. I moved my stuff out of the empty bedroom to the empty dining room because the ceiling fan with light worked. I pumped up the air mattress, plugged in Miranda (computer) and called Mr. Man. Moments later he was on skype with me, listening to me and looking at me looking at the emptiness that was my dorm. The walls were blank and only holes from nails remained. All of my pictures had been down for weeks, all my movies had been packed away already, but this was…different. The last time I saw the apartment this empty was when we toured it to see if we wanted to move in there. The last time I saw it this way, I was excited to decorate it and make it my own, make it “our” own. It seemed smaller this time, in the beginning…as always, there seemed to be more possibilities. The walls seemed more like an eager canvas vs a stripped wall. They had seemed more prepared to become something vs prepared for demolishing. The last time I saw it this bare, I was happily married and my husband was in the room with me, smiling.
I was alone. And more than that I was lonely. It was so quiet. I had got used to the curtains over the blinds and the massiveness of the entertainment center with all its electronics carefully placed to coincide with everything else. I had got used to the wall of DVD’s featuring over 1,100 DVD movies and a separate shelf for TVD’s (T.V series on DVD….I totally made it up a few weeks ago, and should copyright it, party). I had got used to the mounted shelves with toys on them from our childhood. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and my collection of “Toy Story” characters were all long gone. I had been used to a counter with a blender, and toaster and vodka and knives on it. I was used to the microwave and the George Foreman Grill and the busy face of the refrigerator with all its magnets. I was used to the well used book shelves full of books neither one of us read. And…seeing it REALLY all gone was….sad. I had fallen to this place of mild relapse depression. To be perfectly honest I was surprised I felt that way. And all the while looking around my dorm, this apartment, I was on skype with Mr. Man – and there is a “best part” to this. I was prepared, slightly, for him to hear me tell him I was lonely there and wished he was there and whatever and responds with something along the lines of “well,….why are you sad? Isn’t it a good things its over and done with? You’re moving on, it will be fine – stop being sad, its dumb” I was semi-prepared for him to say that. And he did not. Instead, as he always has when I think he might let me down, he picks me up. He said something along the lines of: “I know what you’re feeling right now. It’s hard. You moved there with someone starting a new life and then everything changed. It’s okay to be sad, it’s the end of something.”
I appreciated him even more after that. He’s said the best things to me lately. And when I get “fussy” as it were or moody he doesn’t get offended, he gets genuinely curious and concerned that he may have done something wrong, and wants me so badly to communicate it to him. It’s a great feeling when you know someone cares. When you…KNOW, they care. It’s a great humbling feeling when you admit your worries and doubts when you know the reasons are silly but still mean something to you…and the person you admit these too does not put those feelings down. It’s a great feeling of being accepted and heard and appreciated and cared for. I love him for these reasons, truly.
Then all of a sudden it was 12:30am and my alarm was set to go off at 6am. He said more wonderful things, as per usual and we hung our respective video phone connections. I took out my contacts, brushed my teeth, put on two pairs of jammie pants, zipped up my sweatshirt grabbed my travel pillows and my robe as my blanket and fell asleep on the mattress Brooke let me borrow.
At 6am my alarm went off, then at 6:10am, and 6:20am and 6:30am. I got up, got dressed deflated the air mattress and packed up the remaining baggage (that’s a dual action word you can read into if you’d like) left the keys on the counter, walked out of my dorm and closed the door behind me. The door didn’t slam, as I believe it would have 2 months ago, and I didn’t almost close it, then open it just in case, as I could have done months ago. I knew I had everything with me and in all senses and moments in regards to my dorm, that apartment, that chapter. The door simply, closed – and I got in my car.
Now you can refer to that top paragraph again.
Going Dark. ( a multitude of possible meanings, but all in all – know that I am well)
Posted on November 1, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.
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