A year ago I was chased.
A man pursued me like “nobody’s business.” He charmed me, and said wonderful beautiful things to me. He’d send me messages in foreign languages for me to decipher while he was gone. He’d talk to me every night, and text me with “good morning miss mersai” every morning. He cared for me, he held me. He flew out to see me. He took me to dinners and breakfasts and lunches. We rode horses and shot guns and went to see plays and layed in bed all day. We watched movies and the Sex and The City series. He encouraged my business as an Esthetician. He celebrated the holidays with me, and met my family and I met his family. He played his guitar for me, and I played the piano for him. He touched me and lusted after me. He loved the way I looked and the idea of having me on his arm. He told me someday he wanted to marry me, and once said “forgive me for telling you I want you to have my children before you’re sure you want your own.” He celebrated birthdays and events with me. Then we moved in together.
And during all that time of fun and nonsense and cherish and wonderment, we fought. A lot. we fought about the way you talk to someone. how you speak to a stranger sometimes nicer than to your loved ones – supposedly and that That wasn’t okay. We butted heads, all the time. We could never agree on anything. He wanted respect, I wanted love. he wanted approval and I wanted attention. We could never satisfy the other or be satisfied.
Then it got worse than that.
Then with everything he could, in a chat on yahoo he left the caps lock on and told me everything he REALLY thought of me.
And it ended. it ended the way it always seems too. the way I somehow always knew it would ever since he fought with me about “propriety” over BBQ sauce in Vista during a weekend visit. It ended with harsh words and his guarantee that men will always end up hating me.
That one stuck, and it probably always will.
When a man demoralizes you – you stop believing
When a man puts you down – you lose your self confidence
When a man swears at you over and over with furosity and contentment – you shut down
When a man demands your respect, but doesn’t earn it – you do not respond
when a man talks over you, as if you don’t exist or what you have to say doesn’t matter – you stop caring about his words
when a man stomps on you, while trying to stretch you to his own expectation – you feel defeated.
when a man makes you cry – your stomach hurts and so do your eyes
when a man refuses to follow through even with the simplest of tasks – you don’t believe his word
when a man makes a guarantee and it doesn’t happen – you are disappointed
when a man calls you a selfish brat – you want to be
when a man says he won’t leave – you have to find a way out yourself, and you begin the search
when a man ultimately wants you to be someone else, you cut the strings, pick up all the pieces that broke off…and my guess is, you start all over again – but its just a guess.
I saw a shooting star tonight, and I surprised myself with what I wished for.