Keep moving forward
One more weekend of shows left. A buy-out this coming thursday, open to public friday/saturday, and a buy out on sunday. It’s been a pretty good run. It has been a true test to where I am in my “art” or “craft” and it has felt good trusting my instincts while on stage (and off stage I suppose) It has been very hard, I take that back…it has been a very challenging role for me to get through, to understand and to portray. Miss Casewell takes such and arc and in the end nothing is at it seems. There is strength and vulnerability. At least, that is my intention and equally my hope that comes across.
The Sex and the City Marathon with Miranda is going well. She is watching episode after episode and when I can I pop by and watch 4-12 episodes with her. . .hahahahah
I had a terrible eating and working out week. I at such crap, I chalk it up to my period. If that’s too much information for you, I don’t care! Stop reading! hahaha. But NOW I just want the veggie soup I made from scratch (ish, it’s the Weight Watchers recipe) and water. I didn’t go to the gym because my shoes rub up against the new mark and would hurt. And the pilates and yoga classes were absolutely accessible, and I was just too lazy or drunk. woops. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time.
I know it’s almost March, but I’m not worried. I’m doing better in my head, and my heart doesn’t ache nearly as much as it used to. Even when I have flashbacks of Mark I don’t get sad or wish for time gone by, I actually don’t think of him much at all. Even though I feel lost sometimes and in the way, I’d rather be sleeping on a friends couch and reading or knitting for stephanie then fighting with a boy/man. I know as time goes on and my mind feels at rest and assured, my heart will follow and my physical self will also. What’s nice is even though I know I have a ways to go, I’m not worrying about it. I am heavier than I’ve been in the past, but right now it’s not at the top of my worry list. Yes, I need to take care of myself physically, being heavy and unhealthy leaves me prone to illness and diseases and diabetes and cancers, many things that run in my family anyway I have a higher risk of because I’m heavy, but I still don’t/won’t worry. I’m taking my time returning to myself. Getting my head on straight, letting my heart and soul heal are crucial to my healing physically. And I know that I will.
I haven’t heard from Marymount Manhattan yet. I hope to hear in April, but regardless if I get in I am moving to New York this year. It is an experience that is calling to me very strongly now and I am glad I have friends out there already ready and willing to house me and help me find jobs and show me around. This will be a great year as long as I stay focused, but free, positive yet realistic and strong yet vulnerable. I need to be able to know it’s okay to ask for help if I need it, and be thankful when people offer anything to me. A hug, a drink, a blanket, a movie, some cash – any of it. I will learn many lessons this year, and what’s important is that I stay open to learning them and keep moving forward.