10 days, 12 hours, 2 minutes until I’m on my plane for New York.
Nervous?: No, not yet
Scared?: No, don’t think it will be
Excited?: Yes, of course
My heart has started to realize when I hug people it is for the last time, for a while, and not knowing the next time I will hug that person is tugging a bit. Not in a way that makes me want to stay and live life here, forever, unsuccessfully, monetarily struggling or just because I know it here. But in a way that knows it I’m leaving my life “here” behind in order to experience something more and different. I know I will be able to keep in touch with these people via emails, and fb – whatever, but being able to just get a text from someone that says “hi, wanna come over for coffee” and saying “yep” I will miss. Spontaneous hang out sessions with my close friends and family.
My mind has not realized it yet. I think I’m going away for a a couple weeks maybe even a month but I’ll see everyone as soon as I get back. It’s logical for me to want to see people before heading out, but not logical for me get upset if I don’t get to see them. Logic is understanding that people have lives, they have work and families to tend too, they have clubs and classes, and meetings; and logic tells me they are busy and that *I* have been busy before and should understand time restraints, constraints and issues.
My gut is telling me nothing. Let me try that again. My gut is not telling me to be emotional or logical. I don’t feel any “wrong” feelings in my gut, nothing that tells me I’m not making the right decision. Nothing that tells me I may regret this or that, nothing that pulls me in any other direction than simply forward, as planned.
Although, K and I have been getting closer. Spending time together talking has been very rewarding. He works. Too much in my opinion, but I’m spoiled in that I control my schedule. His job is very demanding, and he’s very good at it, and I have even used the phrase “married to his work” to explain it to some people. So, understanding his time is limited is important. Waiting for when he has time for he is hard, but also important. He is wonderful to me. After his long days at work, if he invites me over he wants to make sure he pays attention to me and doesn’t just invite me over and ignore me. Sometimes we eat together, watch movies, talk, play music and dance around – seriously but wine is involved in that one has happened. Getting close to someone while preparing to move away is something I have never truly experienced. And I don’t recommend it. For the first three days of our new found friendship/relationship/whatevership (after being acquaintances for 10 years) I tried to just be friends. By the fourth day I had already felt I was falling, and fast. And after the last few weeks, and what a wonderful few weeks, I have fallen, and I’m still falling in other ways. I’m sure when the reality of me moving has settled in I will miss him terribly. Until then, I’m enjoying our time together. He makes me smile, he makes me happy, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel more everything, in the best way. And my mind tells me logically I can keep him as my friend like I will others. Via email, phone, text and fb etc. Emotionally, my heart tells me to remind him I love him, every day and let him know I miss when I do, and to let him tug at my heart because it makes me feel alive. My gut says everything will be just as it is supposed to.
And so it ends, and so it begins, and so it continues.
And so it is what it is, it will be what it should and it also will never be the same.