bit of time
I leave for NY in 8 days 21 hours and 45 minutes. I believe that it is finally starting to sink in. Some hugs have been, for lack of better phrasing, “the last hug” because I don’t know when I’ll see them again. All of my friends are excited for me. Friends that I’m leaving behind, and friends that I am going to see when I get to New York, they’re all excited. And I’m so glad. No one has looked at me like I’m going to fail, no one has been negative, no one has said “well, when you don’t succeed you can always come back home” (which I have heard before, and although I’m sure they meant well, it hurt me). Everyone has been so supportive and happy for me, and encouraging. And it’s really starting to finally sink in. And I’m not sad to leave, but I’m sad that mom and dadda n terry won’t be a couple miles away. I know I don’t go see them a lot, but knowing I can is comfortable and stepping away from this comfort is beginning it’s quake within my core. It is a small rumble, right now smaller than an I’m-hungry-rumble, but a few days ago there was nothing and now…there is a small rumble. It is anxiety, when I’m home alone and packing and sealing the boxes and writing address labels. It is a few sleepless nights because I didn’t get to sleep next to him; my very important him, my him who has made me so happy this last few weeks. It is something I can’t seem to feed either. Ice cream does not fill it, mac n cheese with hot dogs (yes, don’t judge me) doesn’t fill it. It is so small right now though, that I sometimes confuse it for something else. Everything is just a liiiiiiitttle more important. Mr. Gutters spaghetti, Boyfriend Jenn’s salads, baby Sam running to me for my good morning hug and kiss, seeing Rik’s band, karaoke with Smurf, having dinner with sister and double-T, taking short drives with my mom, and I haven’t been good enough about seeing my dadda. Knowing I can just go over and curl up on the couch next to him and watch whatever, or eat whatever is the part of me as daddies-little girl that is going to have to be left behind for a bit. Not forever, I’m not going away forever. And I’m gonna come home and visit, this is HOME, my family is here. But they won’t be a short drive, they’ll be a bit of plane ride. And I’m so excited to go to school, and to live in NY. I knew I always would. I don’t know for how long, could be 2 years, could be 10 – I don’t know. But I know it’s time. So, the countdown continues and it’s a countdown to a bit of an end, and a bit of a beginning.
And, that’s all right now. That’s all that really exists. Time.