What are these tears, oh wait–I know

I have myself convinced that crying is a sign of weakness, and so I try not to cry–ever.  What this has done, is in the event I DO cry I get very judgmental of myself and I get frustrated and angry.  Then anytime I get frustrated and angry and I feel there isn’t anything else I can do, I want to cry–but instead I hold it all back as best as I can, which blocks me emotionally in a few ways and causes anxiety.

Anxiety gets relieved, for me, when I can actually find breath.  So I used to do breathing exercises when I’d feel anxiety attacks creeping up on me.  Giving myself permission to breathe seemed to be a good and fair idea.  What I have found recently is that giving myself permission to cry, makes the air come easier.  The problem I have hear is I cry, too much.  I’m in my room just doing homework, or watching TV with Dory, or reading and I become instantly overwhelmed emotionally and I begin to cry.  Sometimes it lasts only a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes.  Sometimes I have to lock the world out for the rest of the day or night.

On my vacation I didn’t cry–well watching Biggest Loser made me cry…a little..but that’s all triumphant music and pain and loss and victorious etc–it’s not up there with anxiety crying.

That said, when my plane descended on saturday April 2, 2011 and the houses and streets and cars were close enough to look like a little model of New York, I began to cry.  I didn’t feel sad, or angry and I can’t think of what may have triggered the instant emotion. Sometimes I know why I get all emotional all of a sudden.  Sometimes it’s a person, or experience–nothing bad or sad, just a person or experience…and the issue I have with that discovery is now I don’t want to think about that person.  Ever.  But there’s nothing wrong with this person.  They haven’t caused me any grief, I just get emotional regarding that person.  I guess soon I’ll have to choose whether the emotions and crying for no reason are in direct relation to that person, and decide if it’s a good or bad thing, and if it’s all worth it or not.  It may be for the best that I don’t talk to that person anymore, it may be the biggest mistake in my life if I don’t talk to that person–who knows.



About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on April 6, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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