There are spoilers in this.

So, I saw a trailer for the Human Centipede and thought “eh looks like the same kind of ‘ew’ you’d get from the Saw movies” which I think are comedies–they’re just…SO…out there I can’t even look at the guy and say “You’re psycho and it freaks me out,” instead I say “wow.” and call it a day.  And I got some comments beneath the post comparing said centipede with tool-from-garage (ish) That’ it’s more disturbing.  The gore is less, but the idea is pychotic and what allows it to be grouped and ranked with horror flicks.

shrug.  Well–now I gotta see it (i think) said I.

Talk to my brother The Smurf, whom together we create “The Middle Child” and goes “oh sister…you don’t wanna see that–but you gotta.  You don’t want to, but you have to.”  I laughed and said “sure, okay”

Last night I did.  With Ro and Sam.  Ro saw it once before, by herself and was one of the people that said it disturbed even HER.  Which is apparently not easy.  I said well, I’ll make fun of it to lighten the mood. And I did comment a few bits here and there.  But you know what–It wasn’t as disturbing as the build up.  Oops.  Sorry.  It’s gross, for sure.  It’s a crazy idea, granted.  But the scenario  in which we land in this guys house makes me roll my eyes.  And there are the defenses “it’s not the girls, it’s the doctor! he’s CRAZY” yes, and he played it well enough to pull this movie into actual horror genre, without him they have a low-grade B movie.

It is a gross thought to surgically attach someone’s mouth to another persons anus.  I got it.  It IS worse than death by drowning or fire burn, I’m agreeing with all of you.  But what the hell were the stupid girls–who were established as airheads in the beginning while on their phones–doing going SO far off the highway, or path by civilization?  I’m not gonna badly perm my hair and forget my frizz ease by John Frida, pack on racoon eyeshadow, wear a jean skirt from 1984 from the kids section and take my rental out to the middle of no where.  I’m gonna stay where there are lights, and people.  How long did they stay driving in the middle of no where before they realized “oh, I guess we’re lost?”  And why don’t they know how to change a tire?  Isn’t that something we’re all supposed to know?  No?  Well, maybe it should come with drivers ed or something.  You don’t need mechanic school, you need to be able to get back to where you can get stuff fixed.  Pull the jack out of the trunk, use the tire iron/wrench thing to remove those big lug-nut-things (yah I don’t need a techinal term to know what to do with them).  When you have successfully removed said lug-nuts, jack that car up, pull the tire off and place your spare on it. Lower car and secure it and move on.  Even in the rain and mud in your heels.  NO?  You’re right: lets wander out FURTHER in the wilderness for an HOUR and complain to one another, blaming each other then go up to the house in the middle of no where…???  It’s 2011, haven’t we seen enough scary movies to know what you’re supposed to do in times like those? Like when that japanese guy at the front of the centipede-thing stabbed the Doctors foot and leg, he needed to keep stabbing, or better yet, take that stupid scalpul and make some significan slices.  Say, wrist to elbow? across the throat?  I mean, you don’t to just injure this guy, he cut a hole around your asshole and pieces of your flesh are now attached to some strange girls face behind you.  KILL THAT BASTARD.  Geez.

But, yes, I suppose if we didn’t follow the “rules” for films like this, they’d be short films based on “what if” stories.  Those girls would’ve turned around to the highway, or where ever they were before the forrest, found their club, had their cocktails made out with some foreign boys, gone back to their hotel room drunk and with coffee the next morning and makeup smeared across their face they could bust out they’re creative side and say “wow, what if we had gotten lost on our way to the club last night? What do you think might’ve happened?…” bla bla bla–I know, it’s boring and not movie worthy.

The problem I have with horror flicks are they don’t seem like they could actually happen. THAT is what scares me.  Like in 1998 when SCREAM came out–F WORD, that is plausible ( to an extent) two guys, stabbing people with knives–I mean…that could happen, and it does.  It’s the scenarios of these horror flicks that I don’t buy–but that also keeps me safe from scary dreams and anxiety attacks brought on by being disturbed.  It is these movies, however, that I think are scary to the likes of Ro (and her kind..hahah) because of the higher intellectual place the bad guy is coming from.  I think its disturbing because she thinks about how that guy is so creepy because he’s coming up with this idea.  He was considered the best at what he did (does?) for years, separating siamese twins.  He then, at some point which never gets explained–which could also count as creepy for Ro in my opinion, not enough background story of “why” he decided to do this to dogs, then try it on humans–decides to attempt the opposite of separating, but joining.  This guy was so in love with his masterpiece he kissed his reflection in the mirror.  I laughed at that, so did sam, Ro looked away I’m sure thinking something like “how did this doctor even BECOME this horrid psychotic??”  AND even if his “background story” was explained it would never be enough, am I right?  Which also plays into his craziness.  AND it could be MORE creepy that he HAS no reason, he just said he doesn’t like humans (and he does say that in the movie) so I’m gonna do crazy shit to them.  That’s enough to freak some people out.  We always want to know why, and when we do we never go “OH!  THAT’s what happened?? Well no wonder.  I mean, I would join humans together mouth to anus too if that happened to me.  No way.  Nothing would ever make it okay.  It’s gross no matter what.  Yep, psychotic and all of that crazy in the head stuff.

And apparently, there’s a part 2 out, or coming out soon (rolls eyes and sighs).  I guess the story line is that some guy became obsessed with the “first sequence” as it was called, and then tries to do it himself but he’s not a surgeon, so it’s grosser.  Which means most of the audience will be grossed out, but probably not nearly as disturbed because they will have accepted (go with me on this) that he’s psychotic BECAUSE he’s obsessed with the movie.  There’s your background story.  It doesn’t make it okay, it just tells you why.  And now that you know why, you can say it’s still not a good reason to try stapling people together–but you’ll probably be less disturbed and more grossed out exclaiming words like “ew” followed by laughter or “What the–??!”

I’m gonna see it though, I mean: I have to.  I saw the first one, can’t stop there.  Gotta see how it all unfolds, gotta have a conversation topic over Thanksgiving while asking someone to pass the cranberry sauce.

And someone tell me why the can of fruit cocktail. That was like… a Costco size can for crying out loud.

I’m gonna watch some Castle, or Weeds, or something and have some coffee.