past tense

I’m uncertain at the age I am if any dream of mine is worth going after.  I used to believe in god.  I used to believe in signs. I used to think I’d get married and have babies.  Then I didn’t want babies.  Then I didn’t want a marriage–but I totally wanted a wedding. So i totally had one, it was awesome, then came the marriage and that lasted for about a year. I used to believe in love and pretty things.  I believed in gentleman holding doors open, and using what I like to call “manners.”  Hell I even believed that ladies had manners.  And as I age, I realize more and more–I’m just getting old and bored, and boring.  I sing the same songs.  I carry the same weight.  I have the same opinions.  I have the same John Mayer t-shirts I bought from the first concert I saw him in–which was 10 years ago.  Oh yah, I used to think I’d marry John Mayer.  Some people still think I will, others have said not to because of the way he portrays himself now, and we’ll talk like this is an actual possibility–because it totally is–except, no…no it’s not.  

Possibility (throws head back against the recliner)

I used to dance, I used to stretch, I used to kick, I used to use weapons in karate class.  (big sigh) I used to keep popcorn and ice cream in the house no matter what.  Then I used to keep potatoes and bacon in the house, no matter what.  Now, as far as “no matter what” I sort of just aim to have a clean cup to drink my water in.  

I used to love reeses pieces butter cups.  The mini ones.  I liked to have them in the freezer and eat one right after I got home from school.  I’d suck on it to make it last longer. I used to keep werthers original butterscotch candy in my cars glove compartment.  I used to keep a plastic bag on the gear shift to use as a trash receptacle.  I used to drink 7&7’s like juice, I used to not cook.  I used to be called “the kissing bandit” I liked kissing.  I liked flirting.  I don’t really do that now.  I mean, right now someone is in my life so I’ll kiss him and be flirtatious with him, but who knows where that will go–I used to like making plans. I don’t make big plans anymore because I got tired of them getting ruined, or cancelled, or skewing away in a direction that someone else preferred.  

I used to live on ramen.  Can I get an amen?  My favorite flavor was (is?) Oriental.  Which is someone racist I’m sure, 1)because “we don’t say oriental anymore, we say asian-american”  (heh) and 2)who uses a “race” as a flavor? It’s up there with koolaid making falvors like “red” or “purple.”  Its a little scary thinking what might actually be IN the oriental season flavoring of my favorite go-to-ramen.  I also like it al dente.  And if I put an egg in it, I call it gourmet.  (Not used to, still do that one).  I used to act.  Used to like it even.  I still don’t know why I went the theatre route when I so desperately wanted to do TV/Film.  A part of me always thought entertaining was all of it, but I just never got on board with all of those musicals and playwrights. Sure, I know some musicals, some playwrights, but if you go to school for theatre, or you ever mention that you’re in it, took it, or like it, or used to do it–you better know your theatre history, and I just couldn’t be bothered.  I’m sure that came across as a bit snooty, but I don’t care.  Didn’t used to care, still don’t.  

I used to love drama.  My own drama, your drama, drama that had nothing to do with me.  Now I prefer to hear stories and guess the outcomes.  Being in the line of fire can be just as exhausting as retelling it, so I prefer to listen and give opinions.  I think my life experience has earned me some good observation skills and sometimes I can even articulate myself.  shrug.  rolls eyes. I have a bachelors degree from the College of Life.  thanks. 

I used to laugh.  A lot.  I used to get compliments on my energy and “vibe.”  

I used to cry, alone.  I don’t like it when people see me cry.  I used to think that was weakness.  I later found out its vulnerability, and THAT’s what I really didn’t like.  

As I get older, and I can recall the things I used to do, it not only reminds me of what I haven’t done or changed, but reminds me of how far I’ve come.  The unfortunate part of that is, I don’t look at it with a positive spin.  I sort of just…look at it.  I no longer think of myself as a failure, if I don’t get something.  Which is a nice sense of freedom.  

I guess, well, with age not only comes stories, and experiences, and lessons, but truths.  And based on those truths come the real choices.  Because once you know the truth, you can’t say “I didn’t know,” because–yes you did.  And with the truth, you can make the choice, or not, to create and/or follow a dream.  I know you’re not used to it

I used to be spontaneous.  

I used to make more sense

Possibilities.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on February 23, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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