A quick nothing to say something
I’m unsure how it became November already. I hadn’t posted about my vacation in CA, when I got to see Bennett turn two, or sing at my friends wedding reception. I hadn’t posted about my mother coming to visit me here, in NY. I hadn’t posted about me dating. And I am unable to decide the nickname he will have here, in this place. Hadn’t posted about my painting the apartment, as if it were a complete overhaul–and it may still become such. I did not go out for halloween. My housemate and I stayed in and watched Hocus Pocus. I’m still at the boutique spa, and i LOVE it. I’m still in massage therapy education and I LOVE it. It’s just, now it’s been so long I don’t remember all the details. Which is why I like to post right away! Then, in the years to come and can come back and reflect and remember. I’ve dropped the ball. How do I drop the ball if I’m only handing it to myself? Am I that bad? That clumsy? Am I that busy? hmmm. Maybe I can start coming home and writing, like I did all those years ago. To get everything out of my brain. I mean, I have this smart phone–which operates extremely slow right now, and i’m told I have too many apps for the memory size. shrug. I have this smart phone, and I don’t use it. I have notepads, and I don’t use them. I have this here computer and I don’t use her. Although, she needs a new battery very badly. And a new charger. And a new CD drive, and a new harddrive… I get my hair colored and cut on a regular basis now. I just did the Benefit Peel from work. I don’t cook. I order out almost every night, or I heat up a can of soup. I have this great crock pot and I want to make stews! and soups and chili…but I don’t go to the store. Eating well, is a luxury I can’t afford right now. But it’s only for now. And that’s good. It’s nice to feel that I am starting to live here, not just survive it. Who knows, maybe I’ll even join a gym again, maybe I’ll start meditating again or doing yoga or pilates again. Maybe I’ll just sip this here red wine. Maybe I’ll do my nails, or read my book, or study for my channels and points class. Maybe I’ll color in my anatomy coloring book. If I do that and watch Bones simultaneously I seem to do better on my weekly quizzes, no joke. I have projects I want to start, projects I NEED to start, projects I wish I was able to do. But alas, still, I sip this wine and wonder. What else? I haven’t read many books this year, but that seems to be okay. I don’t think it’s bad. I still haven’t taken my archery lesson, I haven’t learned sign language, my dadda sent me some weapons and I haven’t played with them. I want to. I need to. They are RIGHT THERE. And I sip my wine and change how I’m sitting on my bed. I look up at my room and think of the different color curtains I can have in my old/new room. I’m currently in the Front Bedroom, and will be going back to the middle room (which I enjoy just the same) soon and I’m thinking of new ideas. Maybe even a new color of paint. I worked so hard to get it how it is, I fear I won’t get those shelves back up. And the paint still looks good. Have I just become obsessed with the instant change and gratification I receive from the paint once it’s gets slapped on–no slapped, I try do be meticulous and even in my wall painting. Sip my wine. Am I drinking too much? Too fast? Should I take off this bra and shirt and put my jammies on? I have so many things I want to do, so many things I need to do, so many things I should do–and yet…I do nothing. I take my eyes out and wash my face. I contemplate ordering food (as always) then remember I have a can of soup in the cupboard. A strange thing to have. Not the soup…anything…it’s strange to have…anything.. in the cupboard. The fridge may as well be unplugged as I don’t keep it stocked either. Shrug. Sip. It’s nothing really. It’s just a day in the life, a day in my life. Things I should do and don’t. Things I want to do and can’t. Things I need to do and choose otherwise. But you know what I’ve noticed, and this is nice–I don’t have much to complain about anymore. It’s a very nice feeling. A very calming feeling. There are no emergencies. There is no major stress, and it’s nice. It really, really is. As is, this wine.