A few weeks ago I felt like I needed to cry.  I wasn’t and haven’t been sad, I just felt it.  I’ve been trying to trigger some kind of emotional response, or release, or find catharsis and it just hasn’t happened yet.  Friends have been offering their movies that make them cry in an attempt to help.  I’ve also been listening to songs that used to cause and emotional response, to no avail.  Shrug.  The feeling has subsided a bit though the past couple days.  I’m unsure if it’s just leaving me alone for a bit, or if I’m somehow finding ways to hide it or bury it, or finding a way to numb it? Not sure, but I don’t want to over-analyze it either.  I want to just be.  Be present, and keep moving forward.  Besides if I keep trying to make something happen, I won’t be able to just *let* it happen when it’s read…when I’m ready.

(sits back and crosses arms and stares at screen.  Over thinking begins. Waves hands around quickly to erase any images I attempt to bring up to cause an emotional response, then write about something else).

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty:

Fun.  Truly.  A fun use of visual effects, enough about the main characters for me to invest and I found myself laughing out loud constantly at the actual humor.  Not just because it was stupid-humor.  If that makes sense.  Sometimes movies are just funny because of who’s in it, sometimes it’s the writing and the great delivery of the actor.  Even Sean Penn (whom I normally see as a very serious kind of actor) had me chuckling a bit.  A good all-around feeling and escape, even.  I forgot I was in lower Manhattan a few blocks from Union Square.  I forgot I was even in NY.  Even though the movie takes place in NY, the guy ends up in Greenland briefly, then Iceland and the Himlayas.  It wasn’t until Walter said his sister was in the play Grease, but not on Broadway, just some church– that I was pulled back into my seat in a movie theatre in NY.  Ben Stiller is great, perfect even, in my opinion for this.  I was completely on board with his shy goofy behavior and all his “zoning out” moments where he wanted to say things like “beards are for guys like Dumbledore, not you” (something like that).  And I was completely on board when he started taking risks.  His risks were the kind people use as metaphors for *really* putting yourself out there.  I mean the guy jumped into freezing water and a shark tried to eat him.  Holy Eff Word.  Loved it.  Just….loved it.  Will own it when I can.  A sweet story.

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February is here.  The month I agreed (with myself) thatI’d start exercising with no end site, or goal, or promises.  Just good old fashioned “it’s good for me” attitude.  Every other time in my life when I “went back” to working out it was for a reason.  A wedding.  A show.  A  boy.  heh.  I know the good it is for me to exercise, I also know I don’t like to work hard.  I like being lazy! I work four days a week, I’m in class two days a week, I come home and watch my shows and I really REALLY like it.  I currently live a drama-free life.  A drama-free work environment.  Bosses that I like that care about me.  Co-workers that care about me and my passions and my well-being.  My family is doing well.  My flatmates are good people and living with them is also drama-free.  School is a place I actually enjoy being.  The information I enjoy learning.  The industry will be a good match for me.  So why not?  Why not exercise for my well being if I am finally emotionally, mentally, and physically able to do it?  What do I have to lose?  I mean, the gym membership is paid for through the entire year.  I have my pilates videos I really like, I’m even going to introduce karate back in to my life.  Remind my body of those basic.  Retrain my reflexes.  Change this almost 35 year old body from an “obese” lazy “doing okay” form to a healthy body.  One that can fight off the cold easier.  One that pumps blood better, carries oxygen better.  One that can recover better after giving blood.  One that infections would have to really fight for to win over.  Why NOT see what I’m capable of?  I absolutely thought I would be somewhere else, doing something else, and with someone else at my age.  And I don’t like that cliches of “everything happens for a reason” or “a time for everything, and everything in its time” I don’t like the “god has a plan” stuff.  I like to know the outcome then see how it unfolds.  The hard part here is: life will never be like those kinds of books that I like to read.  Or those movies that start with the ending.  So I’m finally agreeing.  I’m agreeing to “just be” and function, and follow through, and move forward.  And instead of being royally pissed that I thought I’d be doing something else, I’m realizing I don’t have it bad.  I remind myself of the kind of life I have.  The quality of it.  And in that, I agree to “lets see what happens” instead of “that’s not good enough.” I’m agreeing to take what I have somehow deemed “not good enough” and making my own choices and alterations based on what I DO have and seeing what ELSE I can make out of it.  Like my crockpot.  heh.  I’m going to throw some stuff in there, and see what happens.  And if I don’t like it–well, I’ll try again.  Because I can.  And…why not?Granted I will have my moments of being annoyed and pissed, but hopefully those will continue to fade.  Or not affect me as much as they used to.  And of course I’ll have my complaints, but again, the hope here is those will be their own small things that I can look beyond or just acknowledge and move on from.  Or, add something to it and change it’s outcome.  Why not?  Why accept things just as they are and allow them to affect me as poorly as they have before?  Time to see what else I can do.   The questions now are :What if? and Why not?

Here’s to february and all it’s current ingredients and my attempt at adding to, and changing it up.