Dream 1:

We were at my mom’s house on Gaynfair Terrace.  It was nighttime and we were all in the living room when a grumbling sound occurred outside in the backyard.  We opened the back door and all walked out onto the lawn.  It was the half-dead crab-grass lawn, but the clothing lines that were there when it was Bubbu & Papa’s house were still there, to the left.  There were no trees or bushes or plants or flowers.  Just the grass, and the T-poles for the clothes.  There were seven of us standing on the lawn with our drinks (some of us coffee, like me, some of us cocktails) and rumbling happened again and the ground beneath the T-Poles collapsed into the earth.  None of us seemed shocked.  We just…watched the ground crumble into itself.  A hole big enough to build a pool in remained and began to fill with water from the bottom up.  Still, none of us seemed scared, or bothered–we just…watched this hole fill with water from no where.  When the water reached about a foot from the top, and it happened quickly, the water caught on fire.  The orange flames were tall and the heat was intense.  Although some of us retreated a bit from the flames, the fear only began to sink in when the flame started heading towards the fence where the end of the yard was, where our yard and the neighbors yards met.  None of us knew what to do.  Just then a gentleman, I’m going to call him Franklin, came running around the side of my mom’s house, shirtless with only jeans on and no shoes, and dove into the flamed water.  I know this gentleman.  I have not seen him in over ten years, but I know him and of recent we have been speaking again…All of us gasped and did nothing, but stare.  After a few moments the flames retarded back into the water, from which they arose, and were completely out leaving no heat or smoke behind.  Franklin’s hands resurfaced and were placed on the edge of the hole and he hoisted himself out of the water, effortlessly.  He walked towards me, with the other six people staring, and he was not drenched from the water.  He was dry.  Still, shirtless with only jeans on, he walked up to me with intent and put his hands on my face and kissed me.  Really hard, and really good. Then he whispered something in my ear…only I don’t know what he said.  When he kissed me, I was *in* my body in my dream.  When he whispered to me I was the sort of *camera* watching all the action.

Then I woke up. I woke up quickly and my heart was pounding. And as quickly as I had woken up, my eyes grew heavy and I fell back into a deep slumber.

Some definitions from dreammoods.com

Nighttime: To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.

Backyard: to dream about your backyard, represents your childhood memories or your unconscious. Alternatively, dreaming of your backyard, refers to the secrets you are keeping. There are some aspects of your life which you want to keep hidden and out of the view of others. The dream also represents some aspect of your life that you have taken for granted. Consider also the phrase “not in my backyard.” In other words, everything is okay as long as it does not happen to you or occur in your own home. The condition of the yard is also symbolic of how well you maintain and balance aspects of your life

Seven (people): Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality. The number seven may also refer to the seven deadly sins, the seven days of the week, or seven chakras. Alternatively, the number seven indicates uniqueness and eccentricity.

JANUARY: The turn of the year for 2010 was a difficult one. I finally had rid myself of the wretched mistake I had made, by calling the police on him. I was living with Boyfriend Jenn, who so graciously let me into her home, and cooked amazing food that I got to stuff in my face all the time. Her mister was in Pennsylvania and it worked out for both of us to have company, and it was awesome living with the lil Honeybear! I had auditioned in San Francisco for Marymount Manhattan College in New York and was working at Cory’s office as an Esthetician in AG. I had auditioned for a play called “The Mousetrap,” was cast, and was in rehearsal. It was the first play I had done in three years.

FEBRUARY: “The Mousetrap” was up and running–ran it’s course and we closed after four weeks of shows. Good times. After a hard scene near the end, I’d have a shot of Jameson backstage with the fellow actor in the scene with me. It was our thing. Living with Jenn & Sammy bear in AG, working in AG, I was reading more books, watching more TV shows that Jenn introduced me too. Mardi Gras was fun in Grover at Mongos where the drinkies and singies happened (although this would happen regardless of the festivities…) Amanda & Miranda and I had formed “Club” and watched Glee and were beginning the Sex and the City Marathon in preparation for the second movie release. I remember lots of wine, cheese, crackers, grapes, chips and other munchies.

MARCH: I had received my acceptance letter to Marymount Manhattan College in New York for their BA program for Theatre, with concentrations in Theatre Performance and Directing. The Guttersons (That’s Boyfriend Jenn and her mister, Josh–whom I affectionately call Mr. Gutter) moved from AG to Nipomo and graciously allowed me to accompany them. I hadn’t a place to call home for a few months now, their roof became my home and they humbled me over and over with talk of “this is what family does.” I stayed with them until I moved to NY. March also represented St. Patrick’s day and my immediate fall for a gentleman I’ve known for about ten years. It didn’t last long, but he was everything I wanted–I thought. I was in my third month with a counselor and loving it. My brother, Rik, was (still is) the front man for his band called “Tin Shack,” a Reggae band and they were already playing all over Pismo and Avila. The siblings, and other family, went out to Hoagies one night. They played to a packed pool party. It was pretty sweet.

APRIL: This month was when hugging people began to feel like the last time, for a while and it brought me joy to be moving on and out, but a great sadness to leave my dear and close friends and family behind me in CA. Not one person made me feel guilty or bad for leaving. Every. Single. Person. Hugged me and was proud of me and they let me know it. My sister semi-hosted a birthday/going away party for me and all the family was there. The siblings and parental units and the Guttersons and Honeybear. We had my favorite chicken! and corn! and Jenn made an amazing salad, and Maamm made the traditional Mersai birthday cake of yellow and chocolate swirl with chocolate icing. They sang For-she’s-a-jolly-good-fellow and I didn’t cry one tear, not in front of them… I shipped 15 boxes to NY, and stored another 10 or so to be sent at a later time.

MAY: I was on a plane to NY from Santa Barbara on May 3rd. My Maamm came and picked me up in Nipomo, from the Gutterson’s house, and we drove down to SB. Maamm cried, of course, and I didn’t (not then at least). I arrived and Antoan met me at the airport, and took me home, an hour + train ride later…I was met by Ro and Mattie. I walked into my new room and it was painted a deep shade of purple, I loved it. My boxes were also in my new room. I changed my clothes, and Antoan, Ro and I went to the Four Faced Liar for a drink. I was working at The Restaurant (the real name shall not be revealed) with Ro and getting settled in. All the walking, killed my feet for a while. I was trying to get used to the trains. Also, Daaaannaa visited her brother in NY, and we got to play for a while! I wrote To Be Determined, Chapter two and the gentleman I loved, broke my heart.

JUNE: I successfully left The Restaurant at the same time Ro did. She went on vacay to CA and I landed another job. I bought towels, and a shelf and assembled that shelf in the humid summer that was our living room. The humidity that is the summer in NY was like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was wretched, truly. I slept with a fan, but it wasn’t enough. I was getting more familiar with the trains, and the area, and the busses, and hopstop dot com became my best friend. Homesickness began to settle in. I managed to make myself leave the apartment and traveled to Bryant Park, and the big library, and get a library card and things. Antoan and I went to Pride. Mattie and I went to see Shakespeare in the Park. A score I only made because Ro was sick, I don’t wish her illness, but it was pretty sweet to go! Mattie got Moscato wine and we drank it and watched “The Winter’s Tale.” Ro and I got hammered a few times, coming home when the sun was rising etc. That was awesome. Also, Adam-from-the-band-I-brought-home had toured into NY and Ro and I caught them at Le Poisson Rouge. It was weird to see my friend of 8 years conduct an orchestra of 30 pieces and 5-8 vocalists, it was also fooking…amazing and I loved him all over again, you know–friendly love and stuff. That particular night, Ro and I also traipsed about and wandered into a park where a Michael Jackson tribute was taking place with a piano and percussion and an audience sing-a-long. I’ve heard “Only in New York” many times, this was proof though.

JULY: Tara visited from CA with her son Finn and we met up on the East Side and had pizza. I hadn’t been to the east side yet as of July, so I took my trusty site (hopstop.com) and my mini map of the trains for Manhattan. I only had to walk…a few…avenue size blocks…We had pizza! It WAS delicious. Ro hosted an amazing 4th of July party, complete with fun snackies and Strawberry Mojitos. We took to the roof for Fireworks watching. I had woken up early enough to stand in line at the Today Show to see John Mayer, yes–he’s/his music, is worth it. Get off me, and I even made it on TV for a flash or two. NOW, you’re jealous AREN’T YOU? My cousin, Leah, was visiting NY and she and I were able to meet up and hang out for a while. I had gelato for the first time, it was…divine. Ro and I got gym memberships to Planet Fitness and were hard core goers.

PIC 01

PIC 02

PIC 03

AUGUST: Receives a three-picture representation this year because much happened and I couldn’t decide on just one. Ro threw a super fun party for her birthday. A Studio 54 themed party, and we sported proper attire, as shown in Pic 01. Adam-from-the-band-I-brought-home toured into NY with another band: Jazz Mafia and I got see them AGAIN! I flew down to Florida to visit the newlyweds, The Guttersons, well…they’re really The Moffetts now or Josh n Jenn, but they’ll always be The Guttersons to me. My Maamm also flew out from CA at the same time, so it was family fun! My cousin Jorelle drove in from other parts of Florida and she and Honeybear are sporting their “Palauan Face” in Pic 02. Gelato was found at a store, I think there are only two in Crystal River, FL…and Jenn purchased chocolate Gelato and we ate some and watched a Bones marathon, as seen in Pic 03, followed by House marathon, followed by I don’t know what. There was pool time to be had, zoo time, movie time (Jenn and I saw Eat Pray love) and and and and and…

SEPTEMBER: Orientation, then school started. I had Stage Management I, Acting II, Intro to Logic, Voice & Speech II, and Writing 101. It took me an hour + to get to school from where we live, but I’d rather the trek, than live in a “dorm” like atmosphere with those kids..I love my housemates. I’m so grateful for them. My life was only work, school, and homework. I emailed my Logic Professor weekly with questions regarding formal logic. I didn’t get along with my Writing teacher, I was terrified of my Stage Mgmt class and I felt…old..in my other classes. A shrug here, and a shrug there I suppose. I was distracted by a crush, relieved when I let him know, then at a loss of what to do next.  Also, we had “Family Night Out” and the Housemates went to a comedy club, hence the pic of Antoan and I. We had drinkies and laughies. Although…some of those comics…were…not…funny…other’s were HILARIOUS.

OCTOBER: School. Work. Home..work. That was my life.  John turned 33, and I didn’t bake anything this year, sad panda. I was briefly side tracked by a gent I met whilst out and about with Ro-Bear for our Margarita madness evening. Tequila is POISON I tell you!!! We called him Minnesota, cause that’s where he was from. He and I went on a couple impromptu dates and maybe one “real” one, then he just disappeared. Shrug. I experienced my first “season change” and just baffled by it. Trees? Colors? Hmm?? I was acquainted with the trains and busses *I* took by now, enough so that I could give people directions. I felt like I was slowly becoming someone who “lived here” versus someone who “just moved here.” No Halloween party, and I was absolutely okay with that.

NOVEMBER: Midterms. Yikes. Nah, I was fine, at least I felt I did well enough to say “I was fine.” Some classes I had over 100%, others I seemed to struggle in still. Fear not, though–I made it through the semester. I was making strides in my acting class with vulnerability and fell in love with a song called “Stereo Love.” Ro went to CA for Thanksgiving, and Mattie, Antoan and I had a turkey dinner at home. I made mashed potatoes and attempted stuffing. The mashed potatoes were a win, the stuffing was…not..a win. It was my first go, so not all is lost. Also, had a brief encounter with a gent we call “The Russian” as I met him on the train and felt so comfortable with him, oddly enough, that I gave him my name and number and met up with him a couple times. Being around him felt like being around an old friend, even though we had just met. He wanted to kiss me all the time though, and I just wasn’t into that with him. So, he went away, and that was okay. Ro and I continued our Girls Night Out evenings, sometimes coming home when the sun came up, sometimes earlier. And I found out I lost 20 pounds since moving to NYC. Sweet Sauce.

PIC 01

PIC 02

DECEMBER: It’s my blog, I’ll post multiple shots if I want! December brought unfiltered ramblings and the closing to my first semester. Sacrifices were made via homework, I caught a cold that lasted 2 weeks, fever fluxed. Last day of class was December 22nd. I was unable to go home to CA. Ro hosted yet ANOTHER fabulous party full of delicious snacks and three holiday beverages: Peppermint Mudslides, Mulled Wine, and Spiced Rum & Cider. I took to three costume changes for the party, sporting dresses and heels and make up with fun hair. I remember not wanting to attend feeling terribly depressed about a few things, and Ro bought me a dress and shoes specifically for the party, immediately changing my mind. She’s such a great friend, and housemate. The Housemates spoiled me with presents, even with a special research project to find Whitmans chocolate, a holiday tradition in my home. My Auntie Barbs also played and sent me a Whitmans Chocolate Sampler to keep my tradition alive. Then I had Christmas via Group Video Chat with my family in CA, and my Auntie Barbs & Uncle Glenn in MO (pic 02). Ro got Antoan a kitten for Christmas…I don’t know what to do there…hahahahah

I ended this year at home, on the couch with a bottle of wine. Sporting a tank top, then a long sleeve shirt over it, and my new jammie pants my sister sent me. The red ones with the reindeer on them. The Housemates, awake, and chatting once in a while, made it feel homey. I cheers’d Ro and Mattie, hugged Antoan and gave him a little smooch and am now eating ramen, with an egg in it.  This year brought new, important, people in my life and I look forward to what else comes of everything.

I’m grateful for many, many people. Old and new friends.

My 2010 Goals were:

1) Be successful at Cory’s office doing Skin Care
2) Take better care of myself Mentally, Physically and Emotionally
3) Audition successfully for the colleges and be accepted…AND get money to pay for it either with grants, scholarships and student loans or from the lottery of some sort
4) Continue to read and exceed the amount of books I did in 2009, reading both educational and just for fun books

1) Achieved
2) Although I wouldn’t think to say “achieved,” compared to 2009, it’s a win. Mentally, Physically and Emotionally this has been an interesting and trying year, but a triumph nonetheless.
3) Win!
4) Oh Yay, I read:

Untamed (House of Night Series)
Tempted (House of Night Series)
Burned (House of Night Series)
Wicked: Witch
Wicked: Curse
How To Be Single
Wicca’s Charm
Wicked: Legacy
Wicked: Spellbound
Five Love Languages: Single’s Edition
Wicked: Resurrection
Eat Pray Love
Quicksand (for school, eh)
Passing (for school, eh)
The Aguero Sisters (for school, eh)
Rising Sign

I don’t count the Plays I’ve read, let’s only do a book count.

There are also books that I started…but did not finish, they will go on the 2011 list if I finish them, then.

2011 Goals:

1) Take heed in this advise “Be patient, and wait”
2) Continue to take care Mentally, Physically, and Emotionally. A new therapist is in store, perhaps.
3) Read more than in 2010 (oooOOOooo), this whole reading-on-purpose thing is hard…but I’m game!
4) Find a job better than the one I have currently.  No “real” complaints, but I could use the cash…
5) Write more

And…we’re off.

I had this idea to look back at the posts of Christmas pasts and was going to blog about where I was and how it got me to where I am – but it just got depressing. I can see all the happiness I kept trying for, just to fail. Is that what the holidays bring me? Memories of all my mistakes and failures? Such a shame. So many good memories in there, somewhere, but I didn’t feel like searching for them. I didn’t feel like remembering anything else from before.

I successfully completed the semester. Fifteen weeks of different kinds of anxiety, stress and torture. Fifteen weeks of reading, writing, editing, learning, writing, questioning, failing, succeeding, and after all of it I am unsure of how I actually feel about all of it. I met some people that are potential friends, and that’s nice. I met people I am glad to forget.

Now, Christmas approaches and I’ll be working all week, excluding Christmas–the building is closed. There is a tree, decorated and lit in what is currently called “The Christmas Room.” Ro did such a great job decorating. She does such a great job in general in making our apartment feel home-y, and less like an apartment with people just renting rooms in it. It’s nice having my friends so close to me. There are presents beneath the tree, none are from me. I didn’t even complete the presents for my siblings last year, that’s how poor and bah-humbug I was then, now I’m poor and a bit sad (vs. angry) because I don’t get to go home for Christmas. I thought my first Christmas away from home would be because I was on tour with a show, or in Europe with John or something fantastic like that. Reality has set in and told me, with no sugar coat, that I will not be with my family this year. The only saving grace, is I am with friends. These friends have been in my life for 20 years and in a very real way, are my family.

Music has been very important lately. The iPod Rik let me have, the radio, the songs on my iTunes. Some of the songs play out of no where and they trigger thoughts and memories, that’s what shuffle does right?. Some are sharp and stabbing when the first note begins, some are warm and comforting, the way mom n dadda’s bed was when I was a kid and sick. I miss playing my piano. I don’t know if I could play anything now, that I’ve written or learned, but I know my hands have a longing for the keys. I miss singing. Karaoke or not, live or not (live being live accompaniment), I’m sure I’m losing the ability to sing, which is a shame in my eyes.

I have good days and bad days about the kind of life I have now. I find myself comparing others and their lives to me. Their weddings, and marriages, their baby showers and kids birthdays. Their jobs, their careers (as they ARE different). I just feel so behind, or I feel like the loser who didn’t get her act together early on. I can only be where I am though, right? That seems like such an easy way out though, but…when i think about it – it’s not easy…at all.

I’m not dating anyone, still. I left CA attached to someone, and that was over less than a month after I landed in NY. It’s been a good thing, and a hard thing to feel the difference between alone and lonely. I don’t think it has to do with co-dependency “thing” but more about, the option to have someone to curl up to and read a book on the couch, or watch a movie, or sit in a coffee shop and just talk.

Time is such a _______ thing, isn’t it?

I am in no position to make objective decisions or choices. I am full of emptiness. I know logically that doesn’t make too much sense, but use your emotional side and read that sentence again. Perhaps saying, I feel empty is closer. There is little to nothing I feel like celebrating as the holidays approach, and right now I wouldn’t mind if I woke up and Christmas and New Years had passed and I just had to go to work. I feel like curling up in a ball in the corner of my bed willing myself to dream of that which makes me smile, and lately there is so little that does that I’m sure I’d just fall asleep trying without any real amount of success. It’s a combination of factors, I’m sure–but that doesn’t change the facts.

“And the fact is, I’m no position to do anything but say…”

Something’s Missing”

“Fantasizing means never getting hurt; hoping, is to take great risk. What are you hoping for?”

-an Ai original

Ugh. Day 4 of my cold. More severe than a “basic” cold, not as drastic as requiring a doctors visit…yet. I’ll give it until Friday, if I’m not even a liiitttlllee better I’ll head over to a clinic. Until then, water, staying bundled up, water, nyquil, sudafed, tylenol cold, tylenol cold pm, nyquil, sudafed, water, stuff, stuff, stuff…

I missed class tonight.

I don’t know anything of poetry, prose or structure. Regarding this, I know only what I see with my physical eyes, my hearts eyes, and my minds eye. They are the unfiltered versions.

real-life-dreams
I ran down the two flights to hide.
I sat and buried my face to the vinyl cushion and began to let them run down my face.
The beauty I painted on my face, smearing.
The gorgeous girl I drew on my eyes, my cheeks,
my mouth–
smudged, smeared and real.

I was still too revealed, so I went behind
closed doors
It was there I saw who I wanted to be, running
down my face.
It was there I heard your footsteps, changing my hearts pace,
and life.

I listened and timed my next move clearly.
The footsteps approaching, I am breathing–
breathing.
The door swings in and I meet your eyes
your stare pierces and I am terrified.

To my surprise you leaned into my space,
you took your hand, and then cradled my face.
The next breath we shared, the inhale was bright
your mouth against mine, like a dream–
paralyzing me.

at the release you stare again, then disappear–
again. As you always disappear,
in those real-life-dreams