Heavy In Your Arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet, my love’s an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I’m so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait,
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer
Who’s the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn’t make a sound

My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I’m so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I’m so heavy. Heavy. So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
“I love you” never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it’s a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I’m so heavy in your arms
(I’m so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I’m so heavy in your arms
(I’m so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I’m so heavy in your arms
(I’m so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I’m so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I’m so heavy
Heavy in your arms

Heavy. I’m so heavy in your arms

“it’s hard to accept that you had perfection and he didn’t.  if only we could change the way people think.  No one would ever split up.” – Cincinnati

I used to dream.

I don’t mean in the way of career or life – although that too…sigh.

I used to dream.

For a while I had the most random dreams and when I’d look them up, or the pieces I’d remembered, things made sense.  Things. . . had meaning, sort  of.  My dreams helped me understand my waking life and now – my sleep, is dreamless.  I guess the good part is that I’m finally sleeping again.  Heartbreak is hard.  I don’t know how people do it.  I hadn’t felt such an ache of suffering since I was 18, and that was to be expected since he was my first everything.  But this – why can’t I get over this.  Why can’t I just…stop counting how many days it’s been since he ended it?  Why can’t I just fall asleep without crying first.  Why can’t I wake up and feel rested even after realizing I slept for 8-10 hours.  I feel tired still, exhausted even.  And I have nothing to look forward to (right now).  I get up, I go to work; shlepping beverages for the caffeine deficient at a store that actually isn’t very busy, so I clean instead and chat with my co-worker, if there is one.  It’s not very busy again, so there’s just me and the shift supervisor and if they are off doing shift supervisory things I’m there alone.  To ring people up, get their pastries and make their drinks and clean.  It’s not difficult at all, it’s actually quite easy.  I do worry about making ends meet.  I will always be able to make rent, as that is a priority and I will set money aside for it.  Then there’s my phone, and utilities, and my train card, and food – I have to remember and be able to buy and eat food.

And then I have to try to sleep.  If I had to budget money for that, I’m afraid I’d give it up since it’s not really happening for me anyway.

School starts in September, providing I get approved for a student loan for the rest of my tuition, so once it begins I’ll have that to “look forward to” when I get up in the morning.  I already have my schedule and I should be able to work around it too.  And maybe I’ll be able to wear myself out enough from work, school, and homework to …earn…I guess sleep and perhaps after I have slept, I’ll also dream…

Last night Ro & Mattie were supposed to go see Shakespeare in the Park, A Winters Tale.  But Ro was not feeling well.  So *I* got to go.  It was awesome, amazing, fun, and hot outside, even at 10:30pm.  Even though I do not wish illness on Ro, I’m stoked I got to go.  Thanks Mattie.

Ro and I went out for a girls day.  Got mani/pedi’s and had lunch at Mama Mexico.  The BEST mango margarita I have ever had.  Blended to such a smooth perfection you’d think it was a smoothie, with lots of tequila.

They made guacamole fresh and in front of us as we waited for our meals

.

I ordered the three enchilada dish with one cheese, one beef, and one chicken enchilada

and Ro ordered a quesadilla

.  The decor was colorful and fun.

The space was big and had natural light everywhere

and a fountain against the wall.  

This particular day we also went to Michaels Crafts and walked about, just cause we could and Ro found fun stuff for the house for stenciling, part of her plan is painting the hallway and living room.  She’s fun like that.

We had a Housemate Dinner last sunday.  All four of us (Ro & Mattie, Me & Antoan) and Ro’s friend Andrew came over from Queens.  Andrew brought a lovely summer salad, I made Potato Salad and The Rice, Ro made a brown sugar and pineapple Ham and we polished 2 1/2 bottles of wine and watched True Blood.  It was a nice evening.

In the midst of my…repair…is it were I have neglected to share what I have done while here. Granted, it won’t be a long fun story, but it’s what I’ve done none the less. And I want to remember it, so I put it here, and some people even want to read it, so it’s here.

Last week on Concrete Jungle I, Princess Aiyani (and to the newbies it has become Empress Aiyani – sounds more cold and lonely and …separated than princess, which is where I am now…) wanted to find my own coffee mug. Yes. There is coffee in the house brewed every day. And when I’m here in the mornings, I like to have a cup with fun creamer. I left my fun mug in Nipomo where the Gutterson’s used to reside, (and for now they are in Florida and my maamm is there), so I needed one here. I googled Goodwill and found one about 15 blocks away. So I got on a bus and took a ride. When I got off the bus it looked and smelled like Mexico. Take that how you want to. The last time I went was in 2001 or something so that’s all I’m going off of. People on the streets selling stuff, it was hot, and smelled like alcohol and hot sauce and beans. I walked and found the “Super Goodwill” and immediately thought “oh good” its going to be a huge goodwill with all kinds of crap I can look at. I love crap. I walk in and the top floor is clothes. And I can see the back wall from the front door, it’s not big in here. hmmm.. I head down the stairs (as we have learned nothing in New York is big horizontally, everything goes up and down in a vertical matter) and see 1 shelf of books, dvds, cd and tape cassettes and vhs’ – yah. I see shoes and I see a huge aisle of toys and then the kitchen ware. There are three aisles, which is deceiving, because everything is spread out over them. There is a very slim selection and I do a walk through each aisle before committing. I find options such as….

Neither of which I actually enjoyed but got a good chuckle out of it.

I did however find something I would enjoy.  Something that I love, and made me smile.  And a bonus on this one.  It was marked $.99 and the guy charged me $.54