At 10pm tonight I lost sight of Kaza at LAX by American Airlines.
We had dinner at her brothers house 2 hours prior. She, Scott (affectionately known as the weatherman……….as in he used to do the weather at KSBY), her mommie, her brother and his wife, and I sat and had sushi and champagne. Soon it was time to go to the airport. Kaza and Scott went in my car with me and the others went in Chris’ car. It was the shortest and longest drive of my life……of my life! But I didn’t want to break down and cry because I wanted to be strong for her. This is SO good for her and such a great adventure will come of this. But, one of my best friends / soul mate, if you will, was leaving to move across the United States. Of course I was/am sad. I had John playing in the car, not good for the emotions, so I turned him down. There wasn’t alot of talk just this emotional tension. We parked and met up with the others by the terminal. Everyone got checked in okay and I took some pictures. Kaza in tears, still feels like she’s just on a vacation though. We had to wait for Chris to come back from parking his car in long term parking so that bought us more time. It was nice. Then, he was there and were walking down the hall and up some stairs and came to this point. This point said “have your ID and boarding pass out.” This meant I could not go any further with her. Still holding it together, I was pulled aside by her and she just looked me in the eyes with “happy” tears. ——–You ever just been so close with someone you know what they’re thinking? You finish their sentences and thoughts, you have your own language and sayings? Well, this moment would be no different. I just smiled at her. We hugged and she told me she loved me and that she was proud to be my friend (eyes watered but I held them back). I told her I loved her and that she was so strong and I was so proud of her. We looked at eachother again with a thousand and one words flying but not past our mouths, just through our eyes. It was like having air sucked out of me, it was like I was drowning, but I wouldn’t cry, I had to be strong. She said her goodbye’s to Scott and I gave Chris & KC and Barb (brother, sister-in-law, mommie) a hug and said to have a safe trip. (They are going with her for a few days til she settles in). Then Scott and I stood at the stopping point and watched her go thru the line and get her bags checked. We just waited. We watched her walk and walk until – we couldn’t see her anymore. When I turned and started to walk to my car I was still fine. Scott and I discussed how great this would be for her and all these wonderful things would happen to her. Then I dropped him off at his car and got on the 10 East. Still fine, I turned the music back up, Still John, and this is where I was:
Heavier Things; Track 10; Wheel
“Airports, see it all the time. Where someone’s last goodbye, blends in with someone’s sigh. Cause someone’s comin’ home. In hand a single rose. And that’s the way this wheel keeps workin’ now. That’s the way this wheel keeps workin’ now. And I won’t be the last, no I won’t be the last….to love her.
I lost it.
Trying to stay with it amidst the 6 lanes and merging on to the 110 my phone rang a special ring……kaza had text me. They were boarding at 10:28pm. I laughed and cried harder – did she just KNOW that I was crying??? I drove only a little further before picking up my phone and calling Joshua (Roger Rabbit). I needed a friendly, comfy, caring voice to get me home. I don’t remember everything I said I know that I kept saying things about kaza though. Things like she is one of my best friends, and she won’t be home in SLO when I come home this weekend. He just kept saying “I know” and thru the line I could see his facial expressions and him wanting to comfort me – and just THAT was helpful.
She text me again at 10:42 – “here I go”
I made it home, parked my car walked up the stairs and got off the phone with Roger Rabbit. Set my bag down, placed my keys on the key holder and changed my clothes. Then I sat down next to Antoan and started to cry again. Told him about the whole evening. Then told him I needed to get online to write in my journal before I went to bed – or I would never get to sleep.
Now I’m here. Sitting at my computer and it’s one thing to not see someone but know they’re only 3 hours drive away, and another thing to know that your time difference now is she’s 3 hours ahead of California. And as I stare at this screen I feel more and more sad but happy for her at the same time. No more “that’s my roommate” at Sunset Dunes. No more chair dances to Cabaret. No more musicals together, no more house movies to watch together, no more retail therapy together, no more getting dressed up to go to Mission Grill for a Sizzling Cookie. No more roomah language.
Though I know some of you over the months/years learned how to interpret or at least understand what we were saying others just were found lost in laughter because we were so off the wall.
This is one of my hardest moments. This is one of my hardest days. This is the stuff songs are made out of. You ever wonder why when you’re depressed you listen to depressing music, or if you’re in love …Love songs sound so much better?? I have figured that it’s because you can relate. It’s because if you listen, maybe you can come to the conclusion you’re not the only one that’s ever felt like this. Maybe that song was written for you for that moment. And maybe if others have felt this way, you’re not alone in feeling it right now.
One thing I do know for sure. The saying “this is not the end, it’s not even the beginning of the end, but it is the end of the beginning.” means something different to me now and so do some songs but what will not change is my love for her.
Ladies and Gentleman………Karen Elizabeth Kahn, My other half, Mahroomah, My dearest most precious friend………..has moved to New York.