Change of Plans. Or….Hear that? It’s the winds of change. Or Change is good. Real Quick:

There is someone I’m thinking of that doesn’t live close to me, that I miss. Not a “friend friend” and you know who you are. Not a family member; I always miss you. This is a boy. I’m 100% sure he’s never read any of these entries and I guess that’s why it’s ok for me to say something about him here. Because it’s safe. You know? I’m not really sure I have a grip on how I feel about relationships, I know that boys are crazy and stupid and girls are overly sensitive and analyze everything. These aren’t necessarily bad things, they just …..are.

I understand long distance relationships can be difficult so I haven’t tried any. I don’t like the idea of them, and I can’t say who I’m thinking about would even want a relationship with me, but if I don’t just say it, I’ll keep thinking about it and I need to get on with other things. I suppose. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Quite frankly what it comes down to is sometimes yah I get a little lonely, sometimes I want a boyfriend sometimes I don’t sometimes I want someone to be cute to me and think of me and call me for no reason. But I have that with other people so why aren’t I satisfied with what I have? I guess we always want what we can’t have. I hate being a percentage of a cliché.

There I said it. Yes, I live in this world of “when I marry john” and “yes I miss john because he’s on tour AGAIN” and the such. And quite honestly that world and I get along just fine. I get up everyday and do what I’m supposed to do and think of John and smile and can’t wait to meet him and have him fall in love with me….so why bother with “real” relationships when my “relationship” with john is so wonderful……um…..I think you can all figure that one out…it’s getting it out of my brain right now that I’m fighting for. It’s not a big deal. I was just thinking about it, and wanted to get it out there. Yah, if Plantboy asked or wanted to be more than friends I’d try it, but right now, today…..

I miss Neil; I miss Sticker-Boy (hi brighteyes and seanah)

No, I’m not too sure what it is I miss. But he’ll call me with good news just because, and I think that’s precious. He’s in the middle of a HUGE transition in his life and I think maybe it’s just ok to him to have someone like me around to cheer him up, lift him up, or make him laugh. Maybe I miss something that isn’t there. Maybe “missing” isn’t the right word. But (hi roger rabbit) I don’t have a large vocabulary so perhaps this whole entry was a waste. Maybe I’ll delete it all and start over. But if I do, whatever I end up writing won’t be raw enough. It won’t be what’s really going on in my brain. But then again, I’m not even sure what’s going on in my brain. But, it’s been proven (via a conversation with roger rabbit) that if I get out everything that’s occupying my brain OUT, I’ll sleep tonight.

On the Brain:
-Evita (husband watching it in the background)
-went to the gym today again. feel good.
-Found Nemo with Commentary
-Call back was today for “States of Grace” it went well, but I won’t know if I got the part for a little while
-Mahroomah and packing her a Christmas box to send to NY.
-PG and Leonard in Denver for New years – got call hotels
-Mentor, haven’t seen him in almost a month
-Mr. Cunningham gave me “tips” on how to talk to him on the phone via the internet….haven’t talked to him on the phone since.
-New Job Position….New Animal in the Hotel industry…Crap I thought I was getting out of this (brighteyes will we EVER escape????)
-Muscles are sore
-piano
-guitar
-John
-new York
-Seanah moving
-Kaza coming home 12/19/03
-coffee, I’d like some
-I miss Medieval times
——I think that’s it——-

Good Night