One of the BEST comments I could ever recieve is “You make me smile” and though I may get it often, it always feels very fresh when I hear it again. The past few days have been rather trying. Not the computer, or money which is ALWAYS gonna be a problem apparently! hhahaha….but in an emotional rut. A place like quick sand, versus an actual hole. A hole seems to at least provide a bottom, where as lately I’ve just kept sinking into this quicksand of sadness. SO – after speaking of course with some of the main people in my life things seemed to at least clear and though I haven’t climed out of the quicksand – it’s not sucking me down anymore either……..having poured that out there; returning to my opening comment, it was nice to hear today that I made someone smile. It made me feel good and important.

I’ve begun the cleaning process. Normally left alone until Spring I have decided to look into address books (physical and via the internet), and phone numbers and begun perging them from my life. A part of it remains difficult because I don’t like to let go sometimes, but the other part of me echoes “it’s a brand new day” I’ve successfully deleted email addresses, phone numbers, and buddies from my instant messaging services and just trying to …be….with what I have / what I actually need. The take is the same as BrightEyes had early suggested to me that it goes both ways. You don’t call me, I don’t call you – erased. It’s just that simple. There needs to only by time for people that I MAKE time for, and those who make time for me, and then of course time for myself.

The new DOS’ first day today…….um……….yah…….no. thanks – she likes everyone else but me I can just feel it. The looks she gives me and the way she talks down to me – it TOTALLY stems from me being an “actress” and remember this is the lady that discouraged me from trying because “they’re all self absorbed” so I think she’s trying to feel me out and see if *I* am self absorbed. hhhmmmmm…..more to come on this particular subject.

Toy Talk; Today’s Toy – TWISTER
The game of people, colored dots and the one who tells the people what to do with the colored dots. hahahah. Let us say the colored dots represent the direction you decide to take in life. Obviously there are many colors; many directions – but it also seems sometimes everyone goes for the same thing – someone’s got to give eventually. I go thru moments of how I want to approach life. Where I don’t want to make a decision I just need someone to tell me – but what if that person directs me the wrong way? Is it my fault for doing it, or theres for making me take it and falling. No, it’s no one’s fault but mine if I make a wrong decision or try for a color when I’m clearly not grounded enough for it. And, since there’s others going for the same thing – why bother trying for it aswell? Why try when you may fall. Decisions will continue to baffle me and trying to decode the decisions I’ve made in addition to attempting making new ones seems over whelming. But as long as when I fall it’s funny and doesn’t hurt – I guess what’s the harm in trying…..even if someone else is going for the same things; afterall that could end up a good thing right? Just make sure you stay grounded as long as you can – afterall you win if you’re the last man standing!

I need sleep. Last night I didn’t fall asleep til 4:30am – and it feels early….like 7pm and it’s after 11pm. Hmm – well perhaps writing all this out helped, among getting other things off my chest.

Thanks.