I still go back and forth with wanting to needing to and having to move back to SLOville, well AG at least. There’s no room really at mommies place right now. No place for my clothes – of course everything ELSE will go in storage, but clothes….I’ll need. Spoke with my dadda, I may live there for a bit. I guess I just feel like not only am I having to rewind for reasons in and out of my control, but now I won’t have things around me…that make me ..ME. All my pictures, furniture, everything will be put away for awhile. SO, I decided where ever I go I need certain things with me. Things that will represent who I am. So far I have an old ashtray (not for smoking!!!) that has the Moulin Rouge on it, My John Mayer purse, a FAB picture of me and mahroomah in our matching white pj’s eating dessert (we had rehearsal on a SATURDAY so we had arrived in our jammies complete with pillows. And of course the frame it’s in says “perfect” (kaza – i love us. But i AM putting all the tiara’s in a box – I know I know, but I’m thinking space and what I NEED to get me through even 1 day, not what I WANT to get me through. I don’t really have any full family pictures that are current, so I won’t have that – but I always have a pic of my siblings around me so it’s just a matter of deciding which one to keep out.

I guess change is ok, I’m accepting it, I know it’s for the better for the long run. And I may not like it now, but I didn’t like any of 2003 so a few more months won’t kill me.

Moving dates have been altered though. I will more than likely been in town in SLOville 5/1 and leave 5/3. But I’ll be looking for a storage place and talking with mommie and randy, dadda n terry about living situations. THEN coming back to Burbank and renting a moving truck for 5/6. Husbands birthday is 5/5, I know he’ll want me around. He’s going to be going back to Utah. He’s ok with it, and looking forward to it actually. And that’s good for him AND me. SO The aim for a move date has moved, and if it can’t happen on the 6th, maybe that weekend will suffice. I did give notice, we are to be out by the 12th. Then they will look at it to see what needs to be cleand bla bla bla and hopefully I’ll get most of the deposit back.

I think other mini problems I’m running into are there are people in SLOville that I HATE. And I don’t hate people, and I HATE someone. Its amazing what kind of powers someone you hate can still have over you. It makes my stomach turn to even see or hear some people.

But besides that, I think maybe how I view myself, what’s that called…..my self image is totally shot by now. I’ve gained 30 pounds in one year, hopefully I can lose it more quickly though. THAT will be a work in process. I need to find a good gym to join whence I’ve returned. Suggestions are appreciated and encouraged. And I know I’ve ALWAYS been like “are you saying i’m fat” yah yah yah, I think subconciously though – I feel I need to say it first so if someone else says it, it won’t hurt me because I beat them to the punch. Just work with me on this one k and be patient with me. Don’t tell me I’m hot, because I’m not – don’t say (kaza this is for you) you’re so disgustingly beautiful, because I’m not. But be my friends still ok? ok.

I’m pretty sure my lack of self esteem is linked to the small depression of not having a boy, but then again I’m pretty sure the moment one says he’s interested I’ll run – because he shouldn’t be interested in me. It’s that whole love yourself before anyone else can love you. Again – work in progress

I still love John though! – and I WILL look good by the time I meet him.

hhmm….I suppose thats it. I can’t wait to see Saphire Moon tomorrow.