and zen zehr wuz fee-uh.
It’s happening very soon. And on thursday May 6, 2004 I’m loading up the Uhaul and moving my shtuff to a storge unit in Nipomo, and I’ll be staying in Grover Beach. I know during the week and almost every night I WISH I had internet access to download my thoughts and ANGER towards husband for being such a CHILD. But by the time I get to a computer, I don’t feel like writing it all out, or I just let it go. So, I guess just know it’s been a real pain in the ass babysitting him for a year, and it drug me down enough to where I have to move back and regroup. And though I know it’s all for the best in the long run, and all my family and friends are looking forward to playing and hanging out – I still feel like a loser. I still feel like a failure and a whimp. But I try to weigh out the difference between here and there. And though I could very easily go into a list right now – again, I just don’t feel like it. It’s like I lost myself down there, and even though moving back should assist in “finding” me again – It just feels like a waste. The only positive memories or moments I have from La La Land are my friend Bobby (who is SOOOO cool you guys and he said he’ll come and visit and play at skarieokie, and you guys will ALL LOVE HIM), my agent (though I know they don’t like that I’m moving away), the film I was in, the experience of auditioning for shtuff and shtuff and more shtuff, and well – and Panda Express. I’ll miss Elle and Twin from work but DEFinately not the leprechaun. I was closer to Mentor but still didn’t get to see him as often. I mean, there are more negative parts to the “experience” then there are positive, and I still feel like a loser.
I gained 30 friggin’ pounds while being down there – I know you all tell me I’m on crack or you can’t tell. but *I* can. And that’s what’s hard. I already thought I was big and now, I’m BIGGER. I feel ugly, fat, and completely lost in any sort of talented way. I don’t want to be in hotels all my life, I don’t want mope around SLOville anymore than I was moping around in Blur-Bank. It’s just all hard for me, and I hate it. It’s like I “really” am only “talented” in SLOville. And I’m not saying that’s not great, but if that’s where it stops? This is a small town – and we all know the “Farmers” out there are jerks and run us down. Rum me down. And I lose energy and self esteem.
I need a way out of my so called mysery. A way to clear my thoughts and a way to begin feeling better about who I am.
I DO have soooo much fun with all my friends, and I look forward to seeing my family ALL the time. Smurf is in ANGRY HOUSEWIVES at SLO Little Theatre, and Riki is the STAR of EVERY SINGLE SPORT he’s in. I’m so thankful I get to be apart of that – I AM.
Boys don’t like me, and the ones that do I don’t, or whatever – you know how that wheel turns? But I wouldn’t very well give the “cute boy” who would ever talk to me more than 5 minutes since I don’t like myself, why should he like me? right?
Oh the drama, I’m sorry I rambled on and on in this one. If you got this far you’re a trooper.
For Kaza: Theres gotta be something better than this, theres gotta be something better to do, and when I find me something better to do – I’m gonna get up I’m gonna get out, I’m gonna get up, get out and do it!
right? That’s what I’m supposed to say at least.
ALSO, I’ll be out of the internet loop for a bit, hopping into my mommies house once in a while but I’m gonna try to figure out if I can get my computer up and running at my Daddas. We’ll see. So if ya email me stuff – and I don’t respond, that’s why. And if you’re online, and I’m not – that’s why.
Transission in life is like the one in your car, so don’t blow it.
If you don’t get the subject title, ask me.