and zen zehr wuz fee-uh.

It’s happening very soon. And on thursday May 6, 2004 I’m loading up the Uhaul and moving my shtuff to a storge unit in Nipomo, and I’ll be staying in Grover Beach. I know during the week and almost every night I WISH I had internet access to download my thoughts and ANGER towards husband for being such a CHILD. But by the time I get to a computer, I don’t feel like writing it all out, or I just let it go. So, I guess just know it’s been a real pain in the ass babysitting him for a year, and it drug me down enough to where I have to move back and regroup. And though I know it’s all for the best in the long run, and all my family and friends are looking forward to playing and hanging out – I still feel like a loser. I still feel like a failure and a whimp. But I try to weigh out the difference between here and there. And though I could very easily go into a list right now – again, I just don’t feel like it. It’s like I lost myself down there, and even though moving back should assist in “finding” me again – It just feels like a waste. The only positive memories or moments I have from La La Land are my friend Bobby (who is SOOOO cool you guys and he said he’ll come and visit and play at skarieokie, and you guys will ALL LOVE HIM), my agent (though I know they don’t like that I’m moving away), the film I was in, the experience of auditioning for shtuff and shtuff and more shtuff, and well – and Panda Express. I’ll miss Elle and Twin from work but DEFinately not the leprechaun. I was closer to Mentor but still didn’t get to see him as often. I mean, there are more negative parts to the “experience” then there are positive, and I still feel like a loser.

I gained 30 friggin’ pounds while being down there – I know you all tell me I’m on crack or you can’t tell. but *I* can. And that’s what’s hard. I already thought I was big and now, I’m BIGGER. I feel ugly, fat, and completely lost in any sort of talented way. I don’t want to be in hotels all my life, I don’t want mope around SLOville anymore than I was moping around in Blur-Bank. It’s just all hard for me, and I hate it. It’s like I “really” am only “talented” in SLOville. And I’m not saying that’s not great, but if that’s where it stops? This is a small town – and we all know the “Farmers” out there are jerks and run us down. Rum me down. And I lose energy and self esteem.

I need a way out of my so called mysery. A way to clear my thoughts and a way to begin feeling better about who I am.

I DO have soooo much fun with all my friends, and I look forward to seeing my family ALL the time. Smurf is in ANGRY HOUSEWIVES at SLO Little Theatre, and Riki is the STAR of EVERY SINGLE SPORT he’s in. I’m so thankful I get to be apart of that – I AM.

Boys don’t like me, and the ones that do I don’t, or whatever – you know how that wheel turns? But I wouldn’t very well give the “cute boy” who would ever talk to me more than 5 minutes since I don’t like myself, why should he like me? right?

Oh the drama, I’m sorry I rambled on and on in this one. If you got this far you’re a trooper.

For Kaza: Theres gotta be something better than this, theres gotta be something better to do, and when I find me something better to do – I’m gonna get up I’m gonna get out, I’m gonna get up, get out and do it!

right? That’s what I’m supposed to say at least.

ALSO, I’ll be out of the internet loop for a bit, hopping into my mommies house once in a while but I’m gonna try to figure out if I can get my computer up and running at my Daddas. We’ll see. So if ya email me stuff – and I don’t respond, that’s why. And if you’re online, and I’m not – that’s why.

Transission in life is like the one in your car, so don’t blow it.

If you don’t get the subject title, ask me.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 2, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Thank You “Tummies like that by July 17th”
    Um, yeah and its gonna happen if it KILLS us. Thank you work out tapes and a big living room at my house 3+ nights a week, no ice cream, no fast food and many many bike rides and hikes.
    You are going to waltz back to LaLa and nobody will recognize you, or your fabulous new housemmate 🙂
    Yeah, this summer is going to be a “Heal the wounds and improve” summer… not to mention losing the farmer’s and finding the John’s.
    Yay Summer Mission!

  2. baby dream your dream
    farmers and *fat* don’t change the amazing you that you inherently are. i know it’s hard to feel or believe that. trust me…i could change just a few slight details in your lj and post it in mine and it would make perfect sense for my life, too. i’ve gained weight. i’m losing my sense of self because i’m so alone. and the confidence in my talent is fading fast since i haven’t done ANYTHING with it in over 6 months.
    BUT…what i do have faith in is my friends and their love and support for me no matter where i am, what i’m doing or how i look. and the same goes for you. so if you need to vent, vent. if you need a kick in the ass, i’ve got boots (lots of ’em), if you need to be left alone, i’m 3,000 miles away and can stay there. if you need me, i’m a 5 hour plane ride 🙂 and can show up at anytime, right!?
    there IS something better than this. and you’ll find it. just remember to BE and to BElieve that everything happens for a reason. look for the good and choose your attitude every day.
    th u pep talk.
    watched “notting hill” tonight and miss you so much. let’s make sure those boys aren’t getting too comfy in OUR barn.

  3. Sign me up…
    …for the Summer Mission to destroy the evil Thigh Fat Empire!!!! YES YES YES to hiking, etc! My 2 cents: Pismo Beach Athletic Club memberships for everyone! $40 a month includes swimming pool, hot tub (redundant for some, I know), weights, machines, dance class 2 times a week, more other classes than you can shake a yoga mat at, cool people, yummy nonfat yogurt machine in the lobby =) who needs ice cream? Now if they can only invent nonfat french fries hmmmm…
    I want to be with my friends this summer (post-Angry Housewives of course-runs ends July 3rd) and workout really hard and be tan and buff and superhot…I want us all to be happy and healthy and hang-up-free. Yow! I’m getting excited already. Also I will be back in AG…closer to the family, beach, the gym, skareoke…*bliss*

  4. Yeah….
    I may have lost some weight, but I have MUCH farther to go than any of you so let’s just get that inot perspective…shall we?
    I can’t really believe that Pete wants me, cause who would…I wouldn’t!
    I am starting to believe that i have no talent, cause i haven’t done a damn thing with it, and my voice just hurts and I hate it.
    So, I feel your pain…and I will see you soon, and we shall hike and walk and have a blast…I love you

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