Matters of my so called heart.
I have about 106 things on my mind right now. Ranging from how tall my littlest brother is now, and the horrible person I am….YES HORRIBLE. Well only to some. I know I had my heart set on discussing what’s been on my mind or what’s been going on in my life. And quite frankly if I laser it for ya it would like something like this:
Had the talk with mommie about the slut thing – all that came of it was Life IS black and white, *I* live in the grey and that is wrong. End of discussion. We also decided we should work on how we communicate, like WHAT WORDS WE DECIDE TO USE.
I may not perform in Sapphire Moon – for a few reasons.
My body needs attention, needs better food – love the gym though.
No, I still don’t have a job and living off what was left over from the la la land adventure was fun – but soon will be over, and I won’t even have gas money.
I’m trying to figure out a way to go home with kaza to NY on 8/16. Think I need to start a fundraiser though. hahahahaha
Plantboy and I have been talking. Without killing it – we’ve had wonderful honest conversations. The kind you’d call a heart to heart. The kind where you remember why you wanted to be in someone’s life to begin with. It’s always ever so surprising when you hear something totally unexpected. And lately he’s full of them. In a good way, and a bad way – bad meaning, his timing is terrible. He knows it, I know it – doesn’t make it any easier on either one of us. For almost a year he’d been the pseudo boy, the one all the other boys are compared too. The one without claim but even flirting with another boy felt wierd, like I was cheating on him – we never played the boyfriend/girlfriend game….but I still ALWAYS felt like “I’m taken” or “I’m with someone” I went in and out of hating that he’d act like a jerk, and then be nice – these last few conversations have revealed someone else. It’s such a warm feeling, a comfortable feeling – the kind of comfy where sometimes you don’t even need to be talking to someone – just be in the same room, doing your own thing. The kind that always makes you think “what if” and for the longest time I wasn’t allowed to think “what if” and I feel like all of a sudden, I am. Like I’m allowed to think it, but I can’t act on it. The timing’s all wrong.
And then, there’s Michael. WHO’s MICHAEL everyone seems to say. He was in Sapphire Moon you geeks. Michael McKinney, he’s also in Angry Housewives. We’ve been dating for a lil bit. He’s wonderful – it’s sick, it’s great. He’s caring, and loving, and super cute, plays the guitar AMAZINGLY, and he’s fun to be with and be around. He and I can just sit on the couch and talk and laugh or watch movies and it’s fine. Everything was fine, and with the risk of revealing too much – and him maybe not wanting to have everyone know “our” business I made a choice, it was/is my choice to make and doing so receieved “I hope it was worth it, because it just cost you us.” A part of me felt relieved, but a bigger part was disappointed that I had become this person. This person who doesn’t think about consequences. This person capable of causing this sort of drama or mild disaster, this hurt. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I believe I am.
I gotta say though, not excusing my behavior or anything – but I’m totally confused. Confused about my feelings for Plantboy, and my feelings for Michael. I can’t believe I’m actually voicing this. I’m caught between crying about PB and laughing with Michael. It’s not supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to be hard like this. I’m not being forced to make a choice between them – it’s not that, it’s somehow MORE than that. Somehow more than just being fought over. I more than adore them both, I love them – separately and for different reasons each. And it kills me everyday to get up and have to deal with it.
This is one of those times where one of you always says “do a pro’s and con’s list” it’s MORE THAN THAT. I can’t just sit and write a list out. The fact of the matter is, I don’t even get a choice anymore. I dont’ know what I get – needless to say I also don’t know what I have.
When someone says “you know me better than anyone else” doesn’t it make you feel special? What if someone flat out said they’d been hiding their feelings but want so badly to make up for lost time. What if someone says they trust you, don’t you feel obligated to keep that trust. Dont’ you WANT to keep that trust. And so…you stay honest with them. You tell them what’s going on – even though it could hurt them, it’s better than lying.
What I really want? So badly to look at one man in particular and say “i’m in love with you” and I can’t.
Either direction, either way – no matter what I say or do as of now. I lose…..I lose so much more than I thought.
Please don’t ask me about this stuff in person, no time will be a good time right now.
Posted on July 1, 2004, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
I send you many hugs. This shit is HARD!!!
I hope you stay in Sapphire Moon because I love working with you and you make me happy.
what a bitch for eating your hamburger
~ i don’t know why~
your heart is GOOD. listen to it. and find QUIET, down time to do so. don’t fill your every moment with craziness which will keep you from internally sorting stuff out. i know we’ve had many a talk about how *confusion* is a convenient place to stay because you can remain inactive in making clear cut choices that you have to live with… forget the pro’s and kahn’s 🙂 just find quiet times throughout your day and see where it leads you.