My Complaints:
1.  The importance of pretending to be 18 with HUGE knockers is opening next friday. THANK GOD. Then it will close 3 weeks after that. WONDERFUL.  I was supposed to be off book last wednesday – didn’t happen.  Well i was a little but constantly used “line” for the beginning of almost EVERY line.  And quite frankly that’s ridiculous and a waste of EVERYONE’s time.  So I apologized.  Today, I called for it only once and everyone else is still calling for them left and right.  I suppose it will be an itneresting week here pretty soon.  We dont’ have all our props, the set is not finished, the furniture is non existant right now and I have the distinct feeling that I’m going to provide a whole bunch of my own stuff.  Little do they know…….I mean – I’ll provide it if I have it, practically all the silver stuff – trays plates whatever – will be mine from my “Gina Collection” but I’m NOT going to go out and buy a bracelet, a ring, a diary, an 1890 style PEN, whatever the hell THAT may look like, or SHOES.  I will NOT go out and just BUY these things.  I barely have money to make my car payment and other payments let alone buy something I will NEVER use again. They can just deal with it and have the prop master (oh, we dont’ have one) or the costumer get them.  I’m sorry if that sounds like I’m dumping responsibility but don’t they have a budget for this thing? I know I know, try a thrift store – hi. HI.  I’m NOT going to buy things I will NEVER use again, it’s such a waste.

2.  S.T.G.A.  I know some people want to go see THE play but I really, REALLY don’t want my co-workers there.  At least my friends and I could laugh at stuff.  I don’t get along royally with anyone there, infact almost every guy there has pissed me off at least once, to the point of me not wanting to go back.  And the girl …Ashley – talks WAY too much.  She just never shuts up and she flat out said she and the other girls are going to go and make fun of me and try to bring me out of character.  And yah – she’s the kind that just might do it to piss me off because SHE thought it would be funny.  And I WiLL NOT work there if they are mean to me about ANYTHING I do.  I will REFUSE to take THAT sort of behavior.  Some people just don’t get it you know?  And some things just aren’t worth it if they actually do it.  I mean……..I don’t get paid SEVEN dollars ($2.33 after taxes ish) to be talked to or made fun of or ANYTHING like that.  It’s not nice.  So there’s that.

Other Stuff:

I successfully downloaded “Defying Gravity” from the Tony’s this year.  Member that????? Member when I was on the phone with Michael then I got off the phone with him to WATCH it THEN I called kaza and said “i’ll get there as soon as I can”……..? member??? WELL THAT clip now lives on my computer.  I watched it twice before going to THE play and I cried with tears of excitement.    I haven’t been able to find the Avenue Q clip – it’s more difficult to find for some reason.

I haven’t been to they gym in a while – I know I know, I can’t complain about being fat if I have a gym membership and don’t use it.  In slight fairness I’m either s.t.g.a., at THE play, or trying to catch up on sleep if I’ve been deprived of it.  That really one takes care of maybe 3 or 4 days out of the week.  The other days – I don’t know.  There was also the problem of not having a sportsbra that FITS.  When you’re a 40 D and the only sports bras that exist are the one that fit when you were a 36 C.  it really DOES hurt.  It’s sort or like a small suffocation problem.  It didn’t enable me to breathe very well. BUT mommie bought me 2 at target so NOW I CAN go.  And I have shoes – and pants and t-shirts.  I lack motiviation.  You’d think that “I’m fat and want to lose weight” would be motivating enough.  And it was, it WAS for a while there. And I even started losing weight, then I just stopped.  I’m retarded. I know – AND I found the Winsor Pilates tapes my sister let me borrow – they were in storage.  Those are HOTCAKES and sell like crazy and are actually a little expensive and I have them for FREE – so why don’t I use them??? I DON’T KNOW – I’M RETARDED.

So there’s that.

All of a sudden today I started thinking about Christmas presents and what I would like to buy for people.  In reality – everyone will pretty much get what I got them last year, and that is nothing.  Really.  I will not have CC’s to use, I CERTAINLY don’t make enough money at t.g.a – besides I need to save money and go visit Husband and Mahroomah in december before she comes back out here for Christmas.  It’s just all going to happen so fast I think.  October will (hopefully for THE play reasons) be over soon, November will sort of float into my life and all of a sudden it’s going to be Christmas and new years and I will for the 4th time in my adult life say – this is the year that I actually change the way I look.  This is the year I try harder – and we’ll just have to see how that goes.  I know that next year I will be closer to 30 than 20, and 2 years after next year will be a 10 year reunion, and we can’t let all those people see me fat???!!!! no no no no noNONONONONOONONONONOOOOOOOOOOO.  I STILL need to succeed in this entertainment industry before I see these people – I still have to marry John mayer!!!!!……..so much to do and it’s all happening so fast!!!!!  One of the things my mommie always says to me is to not get distracted.  That my goals are attainable but I have to stay focused.  She’s right, she’s right, I know she’s right………..but I do – I DO get distraced, I AM distracted.  I NEED a personal trainer to get my ass going – I NEED someone to tell me what to eat and make sure I do it – i DO need a babysitter apparently.  I can’t seem to do AnYTHING on my own, i’m just sort of worthless that way……..and you know what I mean by that.  I’m just a big  ………..BIG baby. 

Hi, I dont’ want people to think they can talk to me they way they do.  I don’t want people to think they can touch me a certain way or look at me wierd – I’m OVER it.  There’s this thing called respect that apparently some of the people in this town lack, and it gets old. REAL fast.  And I know respect is supposed to be EARNED but I’m sorry I don’t know you and you smacked/grabbed my ass????? – I have like 3 people who will kick you ass RIGHT NOW.  And then there are people who think they have those privelages – well you DON”T, I barely know you too!!!! These people don’t even know this journal exists but YOU know what I mean and certainly understand I’m sure.  but why??? WhY WHY WHY???!!! DO SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S OK???!!! Stupid.

On the phone, please hold…………………(15 minutes later)….I’m back.

A bit sort of off set now, not to cry out “as if I don’t have enough on my mind” but it is always the little issues that seem to become problems, isn’t that wierd? I mean………..I don’t know – what’s an example at random…….lets say – lets say you are dating someone and they say well I’m gay I don’t want to be with you anymore. it’s like woah! big deal, but your okay with it. someone says I think I like someone else and you flip out don’t ya?? You compare yourself, you wan to know who they are where they met and  you wah wah wah about it – so here I am I’m wah wah wahing over something small. something *I* will have made big, and something that *I* will have to hear more about later.  something that I can’t let go and it’s SMALL.  Why do we…..why do I do this?? again, stupid. Probably because it subconsciously IS  a big deal to me. oh well I suppose. And though I dont’ make it a big deal verbally or get all physical and big with it – I guess sometimes the silence is louder.  You want to roll your eyes but at the “issue” at yourself and the person it’s with and just say “can we just drop it already?” (mimicks folding up a box and setting it aside)

I’ve decided frankly I haven’t any close friends that live here.  And it hurts me, it hurts my heart.  I’m sure I know you, I’m sure we are acquaintences on some level, I met you during a show, or after a show at a party or at the dunes even or maybe even on one of those friends sites.  But we are not close.  You don’t call me and I don’t call you.  We don’t hang out unless theres a bunch of people – and people dont’ come out if I say so but will if a close friend says so.  It’s nothing I’m boo hooing about mind you, just stating it.  My dearest closest friend lives in New York.  Kaza I miss you.  I miss living at the barn with you and entrusting EVERYTHING I am, do, breathe, see, and ANYTHING – to you.  I miss nahnnah of course, hi nahnnah.  I miss Ro…….hey ro…. but kaza – man (slight sigh) I get rather lonely here.  No one really understands all that I do or am or say, and you would – you do.  I love that you try to keep me informed with what’s going on – thank you free tix the other night to the yankees.  I love that we text secret messages like “send me an angel” and “oops”  I appreciate these other people and I’m glad I get to see them but we’re just not really close you know?  And the only time I go out is if Michael wants to go somewhere for dinner, or we sometimes go to hobees, and to skarieokie.  And that’s not the same either.  And I’m looked at wierd because of my energy and sillyness and they just don’t get it, or they say she’s drunk or high or all these things that I’m not, I’m just better with you around I guess kaza.  I’m safer, I’m funnier, and if there’s two of us they think we’re lesbians or we just put on a really great show and it’s great entertainment.  but I don’t have  that, or anything close to that with anyone else and it feels cold and empty sometimes.  And sometimes when I see these other people – when it’s nice it IS. and Judy fed me alcohol induced fruit again the other night and it was great, but then I left and that was that.  And sometimes I feel invited but not, sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to be the outcast the goofy one, so I am – but sometimes I just want nailpolish and ice cream with 2 spoons and the couch in the living room with mahroomah.  And I don’t get to have that.  and husband?  of course whom I adore – and we talk often and we have our moments so it’s like having a girl version and a boy version.  I’m so lucky – but neither of you are here.  (medium sigh)

Now that I’ve gone from complaining to calling myself names, to slight frustration and rolling my eyes to sadness I think I’ll go.  I AM rather hungry, my tummy is growling like crazy.  I wish I had some doritos right now, it’s a comfort food for me.  That and I’m craving either orange chicken from my local panda or my own pizza with stuffed crust.  Comfort food – it’s horrible for my figure just like everything else in this world.