For fear of having another one
I have to write out what my bad dreams were about.
I’ve had 3 in three nights. I dont’ remember the first one, I did when I first woke up then it just went away. For that I am thankful.
The second one
I was at Michaels house, The Establishment and I wasn’t sleepy so I opened his door to the hallway and it didn’t look like it normally does…it was a dream. And at the end of the hallway was a flickering light, like a TV was on. So I walked over there and sure enough a big screen TV and some people in sleeping bags all crashed out. I saw this girl I stga with named Evelyn, only I called her Caitlin, and she answered. I asked what was going on and what she was doing awake and we chatted for a bit. Then my left arm started throbbing. THROBBING. and I looked at my sleeve and in the dim light of the television I lifted my sleeve up (it was long) and revealed all these scratches, gashes and scrapes. “Caitlin” (really evelyn) just said “wow, you should go rinse that off” and I just stared at it. I started to get more scared when I realized my entire arm was covered in blood and all the wounds were still bleeding. She pointed to me where the “shower room” was. And it was like this HUGE door to a bathroom and then you walked in on the tiny tile like a handycapped shower and I turned the water on and pulled the short width curtain over. Getting my clothes soaked I took them off and just put them on the floor (yah, I know…that didn’t help keep them dry) and the water was perfect temperature without me having to adjust and every time I rinsed off the blood and pulled my arm away….it would start bleeding again. Then all of a sudden the door slung open and Sean…this random guy i know from skarieokie (kevin….big annoying sean that used to shadow randy)…came walking in asking if i was ok. I started shouting that he had to get out and wasn’t listening he just kept walking towards me. I grabbed the light yello curtain and wrapped it around me as best I could and said again “Sean!, Sean you have to leave” and he said he wanted to see it…i didn’t know what he meant and he wasn’t talkign to me like in that perverted sortof way….just like he didn’t realize I was in the shower and wanted to see my cuts. it was wierd. But I told him one more time, and he said ok and left. Without a towel to dry off with and fear of someone else barging in I put my entirely soaked clothes on and headed towards Michaels room. In the TV room “Caitlin” said Michael came looking for me and she told him I was in the shower but that was over 2 hours ago. And I just said “WHAT???” How was I in there for 2 hours????” She just shrugged and continued to roll up her sleeping bag. I began panicking….i don’t know why but I just did and I started to run to Michaels room and before I made it there I decided to hang a hard right and head for the side door. I don’t know where I was going but Michael stopped me. He just yelled “hey!” and came flying out of his room and grabbed my arm, my left one. In utter agony but for some reason absolutely petrified to let out a cry of pain or help I just looked back and he said “get in here” and pulled me into his room and through me onto the living room floor. Confused, bleeding and scared I still didn’t scream. I couldn’t – He said something about why I was running away or why I was gone for so long but he sounded like he was so far away when he was talking that I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Finally I heard him say “I’ll do it again.” And *I* didn’t understand, but the me in the dream did. And almost like I was a second voice to this frightened aiyani in a dream I told me what to say and all i could get out was “do what again?” and Michael got SOOO mad and he started throwing things and grabbed this whip/rope thing then pulled up my sleeve and said THIS and right before he swung the whip I woke up.
A huge headache and a slight anxiety feeling in my chest I looked over at Michael sound asleep, and went back to sleep. This dream came from nothing, it came from no where. Not a scary movie, not anything REMOTELY close to our relationship in real life, not a story I read…nothing. And there is nothing Michael would ever do to me. EVER. I hate bad dreams.
The Third One
I was in a store. I walked in, in almost slow motion and I couldn’t make out what I was looking at but I walked by my dad and he was talking to this guy. Tall, shaved head but dark hair comming in. A blue collared shirt and a tan what looked to be a suede jacked, blue jeans. I just watched them talk, unable to hear them and I pretended to be looking at what I really could not see or make out. And with a quick glance up and again moving in slow motion I saw them get into a fight and what I thought was a punch to my dadda’s stomach was infact a hand with knife at the end of it. I remember yelling and it being muffled. I remember running as fast as I could and though he was only feet from me it took an eternity. I heard my dad say “no don’t stab me again” and I got there and the guy pointed the knife at me and ran off. I almost went after, not knowing how I alone could make everything right, but in the corner of my eye saw my dad start to fall backwards. He landed what looked to be a very hard landing, but made no sound. He didn’t cryout, he didn’t look, he didn’t say anything. he just looked at me. I saw him bleeding and went to put both hands on his cut and then he let out a cry of pain. I kept saying I’m sorry I’m sorry! and i couldn’t get it to stop. It was so real…I could feel the his warm blood flowing out of him all over my hands and I was crying out for help and NO one noticed. People kept walking by but I was invisible to him. I took one of my dads hands and said press here and made him press on his own wound while I went for my phone in my bag I dropped a few feet from him. I got out my phone, only it wasn’t mine now – it was this old red one – and I dialed 9-1-1. And I remember saying help me like 15 times before anyone on the other line could hear me. They finally did and just said “where are you” I kept trying to tell them what happened but they kept interrupting me with ” where are you” Trying to be helpful I looked up out the front door and windows. My eyes were so teary everything was so blurry and I kept looking and I said ” I don’ t know, I’m in Santa Maria and I see a Payless” There were other buildings too. It was a complex with a whole bunch of stores” and they asked if I was by the walmart, I have no idea – I had no idea. “I don’t know I don’t see the sign, I see payless I see a sandwich place” and they said “stay there” and the phone call was released. They hung up on me?? More panicking more panicking and more blood I kept pressing and looking for something that resembled cloth to help and there was nothing. There was nothing around, there was no one around listening to me, and no one even looked at me. I was helpless I kept looking at my dad saying “just wait dad, just wait – someone is going to help us” and he just layed there. He wasn’t dying, he didn’t die and in the dream it never felt like it was going to be that way, but he was so calm and I was so upset and so scared. I cried out, I just kept crying out and I remember yelling “no, NO, wake up, wake up , WAKE UP!” and I finally did.
I was in the inbetween waking up fully and trying to see what was happening in my dream. It all faded away and I saw my clock reading 8am and I heard my brother and dadda talking to get him off to school and I couldnt’ get up. I just kept looking at the clock, like I was still asleep and by the time I was aware of where I was and that it was all a dream my dadda left for the day for work and I was home alone. Slowly, I got out of bed. Nervous and lost for words. I got ready for work and eventually go there. I called my dad at 12 and left him a message that I really needed to talk to him, that I needed to hear his voice and know he was ok and around 3 he left me a message saying he saw that I called, but he either didn’t listen to my message, or he didn’t get it. And I wasn’t going to be home til 10pm either. i waited. It was one of the longest days of my life, and when I got home he was in his room, in his jammies and on his bed watching TV. And like a child I said “daddy” and I layed down next to him and just told him about my dream. He laughed a little, in a sort of …awww its ok way. it made me feel better to hear him laugh and to hug him saved me from thinking about it even for a split second.
I’ve cried while writing this out, but if i don’t get it out it stays with me. It will eat at me and it will haunt me. My dreams were so real that the other night I woke up and my left arm WAS in pain but not a scratch on it. And this morning waking up and getting through the day was the hardest thing, but my dad was here and he was just fine, ……….he was just fine. (nods to self as reassurance and wipes eyes)
Tonight, I’m scared to sleep but I’m SOOO tired.
Please……please God – please let me sleep peacefully and soundly, and safely.